Forgiveness is strange. We either vow to forgive somebody someday or we forgive quietly without even realising.
I reached out to a former friend this week to say something that I needed to. I kept it brief and didn’t ask how they were specifically because I didn’t want to know. I wanted to say my thing and get nothing back. Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way. At first, I was annoyed that I didn’t get a response immediately.
It takes me forever to reply to my own emails.
I later realised that sometimes I expect too much from people who have their own shit going on. I look at the silence and blame them instead of wondering why the lack of response bothers me. I mean, let’s face it, my lazy ass won’t respond right away anyway so why should they?
I can be irrational at times.
With that in mind, when the reply came (still faster than my own replies are), I was ready to activate grudge mode. It was full of an update of the past year and I read it like Christian Slater listening to Tom Hiddlestone reveal that he’s a self-centered moron.
I asked myself why I should care about the details divulged in the email. I didn’t ask for them. I haven’t spoken to this person for months and I’m not interested in yearly updates or even friendship, I’m just done.
I went through everything in my mind and I realised that maybe they just needed to vent and I happened to be the random ear that popped up. I’m not fully okay with that, but I needed a random ear last week and it never came. So if I happened to be in the right place for someone else then…I’m sort of okay with that.
It was really weird. It would be easy to make it about me but I’m not the same person I was when we fell out. I’m not that girl who desperately needs to cling onto something that isn’t there.
I’m just over it.
I realised that I was tired of being angry or well…upset maybe. The anger subsided a long time ago, but I still felt some kind of way about everything. Regret, maybe. Shame? I have no clue. All I know is that I felt like my feelings weren’t being taken into consideration but I now see that I was being selfish. And that’s maybe not right but in that moment I needed to be.
I needed to be selfish for myself.
However, I can only do that for so long before it turns into something bad. And after considering myself for so long, today I considered my former friend. They have other things going on that will always be bigger than I am. Kids. Work. Family. The things that matter. That doesn’t mean that I’m less than somehow or not enough, it just means that they have other shit to deal with. Like I’ve had stuff to deal with.
We all have our problems.
With my soul searching all done, I realised that I forgave my friend. It was such a ridiculous thought that I had to look it up. I had to Google that shit. I was all like, WHAT DOES FORGIVENESS MEAN? HOW DOES IT WORK? I don’t forgive people. I am the kind of person that doesn’t hold onto things for too long. I can be mad. Or annoyed, but I will still talk to that person. However, in this instance, the forgiveness is for me. It’s the gate and I’m the gatekeeper.
It’s time to shut this shit down.
My friend will never truly know how much hurt they caused and maybe that’s a good thing. They don’t need to know but I do. Their apology wasn’t enough the first time. I doubt that more apologies would make a difference. The best thing for me to do is to acknowledge my own feelings and then get over it. I don’t have to be their friend, and I don’t even have to reply to them*, but I do need to finally leave the past in the past.
So that’s what I’m doing.
*Of course people that don’t reply are one of my biggest pet peeves (it’s possible that I’m a huge hypocrite) so I will try my best to reply. And also because it’s the right thing to do.
This post doubles as a response to the daily prompt.