If Job Applications Were Honest…

1. Why do you want to work here?

I need the money for shoes and stuff. Also rent and whatnot. Oh and it’s the social norm to have a job even if you completely hate it so, I applied to this on a whim. Do I really want to work here, no. But hey, at least I’m somewhat qualified.

2. What qualifications do you have?

Let’s see, a degree that hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Prehistoric school qualifications that I can barely remember now. A bunch of online degrees that don’t mean shit. Volunteering that I did to make myself look good on paper. Oh and I write a lot. Not things that would necessarily help me with this job but, whatever.

3. What are your strengths and weaknesses?

Strengths: ability to eat chocolate at an alarming rate. Uh. Sleeping. Or rather not sleeping. So, you can overwork and underpay me but hey, I’ll never sleep on the job. Also writing. Fiction, primarily, but you know what I kick ass at non-fiction. Hell, I kick ass at EVERYTHING because…

Weaknesses: I am cranky without coffee and also not a morning person so all of the bullshit I write about my great communication will only apply after 12pm. Sorry. I also crumble under pressure sometimes because I’m not a fucking robot. 

4. Give an example of your willingness to work with others.

My restraint during rush hour at the train station and on the train is the best example. I want to punch people but I don’t. I assume that many other people feel that way. But we all work together to not to violence to each other. I will approach this job in the same way, with the exception of the multiple passive aggressive bitching that I will do with friends via text and email. 

It’s a good thing that I know how to embellish. 

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