A friend and I were discussing anxiety this week and I realised that I kind of hate discussing it in public. I always think that people with either think less of me or that I should just shut up because everyone has problems.
But, I am doing the ‘Abandon Your Comfort Zone‘ challenge as listed here. I’m going to share a few things that have been on my mind regarding anxiety.
I think we can all agree that anxiety sucks. It’s the fucking worst thing. One minute you’re thinking about pizza and the next you’re wondering why you’re so awful. You’re wondering if people are judging you, if you’ve made the right choices in life. You’re wondering, period.
My anxiety tends to manifest in a few different ways. I tend to shut myself away when I get stuck in a rut. I won’t text back because I physically can’t. To function means putting on a huge act and that’s very draining. People ask me how I am and I say tired. The thing is that I’ve been tired for the last five years. Waking up is the easy part. Getting up is the battle. A lot has changed for me in the past few months but sometimes, I kind of find myself just wanting to stay in bed all day, reading sports articles and hearing about other people living their lives. I have to disconnect myself from my own reality in order to make some of the tension bleed away.
However, I know that doesn’t make me feel good either. There’s nothing worse than finally getting up and looking at the clock. It’s late but I have to push myself to do something. Anything but sleep. Sleep means that I’ve done nothing with my time and that’s not okay.
I hate feeling like I’ve wasted time but all I do is waste time.
Even blogging sometimes makes me feel like I’m wasting time.
And then the more I think about how I’m fucking up, the more anxious I become. It’s like tying a dog to a tree and then placing a bone out of reach. The dog would go fucking nuts. That’s kind of what anxiety is like for me. My brain goes on and on and and builds up into this sugar induced hyperactivity and suddenly, everything is too much.
I think anxiety is normal but, fucking hell, I think I’d rather just be a damn cucumber. At least they’re always cool.
Normal snark service will be resumed later!