It hit me the other day at work. I am constantly complaining of tiredness. That day, I found myself thinking that I was tired when it reality I was just mentally drained. Physically, I felt good. I felt alert and energized but something in me was tired. If I trace that feeling back, it’s been ingrained in me for years. The reason why is obvious, not enough sleep, too many disruptions and so on. Mentally, I’m like that TV show that should have been cancelled three seasons ago. Stale. Lifeless. Repetitive. I seem to have made an occupation out of doing nothing even though I am doing something.
I think that not having much to look forward to contributes to this feeling. I’m a social hermit, I’m awkward, I lack confidence. This can be traced to my upbringing. You know how it is, strict parents, sheltered life. Either we end up hoe-ing our issues away or we end up closing ourselves off even more (I’m joking about the former, but the latter is definitely my reality).
Before I started my job, I only spoke to family members and shop assistants. Now I talk to tens of people every day. That’s another layer of energy. Every time I think I have the balance right, something goes wrong. I get hit by a low mood wherein I don’t want to talk to anyone. Or do anything. And that is the most exhausting thing. Being tired of being tired. It’s a never ending cycle.
I drink a ton of water and it does is make me pee a lot. I take two cups of coffee a day but that only makes me human enough to realise that I’m tired. I eat fruit, but it turns out that I’m fucking allergic to half of them. I eat chocolate but…well, fine, nobody said chocolate was the cure for tiredness but still. Nothing works.
Perhaps I should release my inner extrovert (if the bish exists!) Or get out more at least.
The trouble is, I don’t have the energy for any of that. It might be time to stock up on some Vitamin B.
Written for Day 5//E of the A-Z challenge.