The snark is strong with this one, but I’m irritated, so.
The internet is awash with information about how to be a good parent, but let’s be clear, the bad ones aren’t reading it, are they? So for all shitty parent out there, this is for you*.
1. Always Be Negative
You gotta always be negative. Forget about always be closing, you’ve got to always be negative. Seriously. I cannot stress this enough. Calling your child stupid, useless, worthless and other choice names will have you well on your way to being a bad parent. It will instil low confidence and low self-esteem. It’s easy.
2. Always Pass Judgement
Judge. The. Heck. Outta. Your. Kids. Seriously, they will thank you for it. That one mistake they make will always remind them that they’re a fuck up, especially if you keep bringing it up. Offer bad advice and tell them that it’s their fault. Always say I told you so, because that’s helpful. Always remind them of the past, always compare them to other people’s kids.
3. Always Rewrite History
This is my favourite. This is the part where you state that you correctly predicted that something would go wrong. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t say anything of the kind, all it matters is that your child has to listen to you say all of this bullshit because you’re always right. You’re never wrong.
4. Always Take Credit For The Good
Even though you’ve belittled your child, judged them, called them names, made them feel like shit for most of their lives, you can always count on there being some good times. And this is down to you. Yes, through the power of negative reinforcement, you’ve managed to shape your child into a reasonable human being. Give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it.
5. Always Smother Them, Never Relinquish Control
Look, I’m not saying that you have to not give your child space, I’m just saying that you need to micromanage them. Tell them what to do, how to do it, when to do it, and always, always make sure they know that they will never do it as perfectly as you can.
6. Always Wonder What Went Wrong
In the unlikely event that your child manages to escape from you**, you may find yourself wondering what went wrong.
Keep wondering. Never acknowledge your own weaknesses. They don’t exist.
*This is tongue in cheek. I’m not a parent. Parenting is hard. Kids are hard work. Bad parenting is even worse. Just saying.
**I will write one about bratty children just to be fair.