Look, I’ll be honest, I’m not a good superhero. And I’m not just saying that because I had to call the NYPD to rescue me after a rather dangerous mission.
“Excuse me, I was a superhero for ten whole minutes,” I protest weakly when they all but drag me into interrogation.
The old burly detective sneers at me.
“And in that time you called us, and we had to come and rescue you.”
My moment of greatness lasted for ten minutes. I swung across town, jumped across a building and…I got stuck. My cape got caught on a loose roof tile.
See, Superhero College was a lot like actual college. Theoretical situation after theoretical situation. Everything was like a Marvel movie. We used VR to practise our combat and wrote essays on how badass Batman is. At no point was I really prepared for what it would be like to actually launch myself off a rooftop.
All I want to do is help people. That’s it. I want to save old ladies from purse snatchers. I want to swoop in and be the dashing hero to the damsel in distress. I want Peter Parker to snap a picture of me doing Superman’s ballerina pose.
I want everything that I’ve seen the movies.
Instead, I was tasked with rescuing my own car from my own damn roof. See, Fluffy (what, I never said I was imaginative) is a super cat. She can parkour better than Green Arrow himself. However, she’s scared of heights so one rooftop is her limit. I know I wasn’t supposed to be on rooftop duty yet, but she was mewling. I had to save her.
The cops laugh and say I could have called the fire department.
I tell that them that it can’t be considered a good use of the budget expenses, and they laugh even more.
Eventually, they let me go, but only after taking multiple pictures of me so that they can add me to their ‘Dumbass Not-So-Super Superheroes’ book. When I point out that it’s an unnecessarily long title, they throw me out on my ear.
I sigh to myself, because being a superhero isn’t really worth the ridicule.
Hell, I only got into this because I wanted to help people.
Fuck it, I should have studied law.