[the statement: The only friend I need is myself
the admission: actually, other friends would be kinda nice]
I got a message from a friend a few days ago. It was out of the blue really, although, I’d just been thinking about her. It’s strange to me. I’m the kind of person that’s always kept up with people, but I have a habit of befriending people who can’t be bothered. Or they’re too busy to make time. The list goes on. And on.
At the end of the day, I am one person and just having three or four friends like that is a lot. All of my friends being like that was too much. So I have zero. Yes, I’m friendless for the most part. I mean, I have friends, but only a few people that I’d feel obligated to get in touch with after say a couple of weeks of not talking. I’m done with all of that for now.
Friends kind of suck.
Or maybe I am the friend that sucks.
It doesn’t matter. I always swear I am done with it. I’ll admit that I do sometimes wake up and think is this normal but you know what? Fuck it. I’m happy to be the disposable friend. Y’all can say hi and I’ll say hi back and wait for you to initiate our next period of silence. Is that cool?
I have a friend that I went to school with. The second we weren’t in classes together anymore, it was crickets. I can’t even get a Twitter reply from her these days. Someone I know in real life. The audacity of it all. I don’t have better luck online to be honest. I attract certain people. Or I’m too nice. Probably a combination. I’m reliable S, always there when someone needs something or has an issue. I will always reply when I’m able to because I know what it’s like to not get replies. These days it doesn’t bother me much. I’ve conditioned myself to see responses as a bonus, and I have enough anxiety that sometimes silence isn’t the worst thing.
Anyway, why am I suddenly ranting about this? Well, the loves of my life (seriously, I’d marry any of the unmarried members if they were interested. I can relocate to Canada!) Billy Talent have a song on their album called ‘Leave Them All Behind‘ which I adore. It’s an inspirational song that sort of makes me want to run away? Not in a bad way.
Obviously, I can’t due to lack of funds, but seriously, I want to leave everyone behind and just do my own thing away from continuous disappointment.
Sometimes, a girl’s gotta do what she’s gotta do.
Written as a response to Linda G. Hill’s SOCS prompt!