Forever – and ever
the scars will remain
I always like to think that I’m this closed book, but lately I’ve figured out that I’m not. I’m sort of the goofy, quirky, hapless girl who’s always laughing. However, I’m not always laughing on the inside. I’m barely laughing on the inside. In fact most of the time I’m in a constant state of despair on the inside.
Usually, when I’m in a downward spiral, I get the usual signs. Increased blogging. Check. Lack of constant writing. Check. Low motivation. Check. Low mood. Check. Fatigue. Check. Procrastination. Double check. Fixation (some of y’all can attest to this one). In some ways, the signs make it easy for to figure out why I feel the way I do, but in another sense, it’s bullshit.
By the time I’ve overcome that, I say to myself, let’s take time to just be. Less sad, of tired, whatever. By the time I’ve done that, the cycle starts all over again.
Anyway, I think all of this kind of bleeds out in my personality. The snark, the cynicism, the sarcasm, dry wit, the fact that I turn everything into a joke. I am probably the epitome of old man yells at cloud, but it’s how I deal.
Anyway, if there was a sign I’d use to represent myself, it’s the caution sign.
For several reasons.
- Not everyone can handle my sense of humour. Often, I’m being facetious when I speak but maybe it’s too deadpan. People take offence and it doesn’t end well.
- I’m an idiot (no really I am) and thus makes me annoying at times.
- It’s unlikely that you’ll ever fully know the real me.
To expand on three, I’m at the point where I’m not going to tell certain people candid details about my life. If that makes me fake or whatever, so be it. Often people who seek this knowledge don’t have your best interests at heart. They store it and use it whenever they want to get one over you. Suddenly, that insecurity you shared is being used to make you feel even more insecure and it works. That kind of thing stays with you, or it’s stayed with me.
Like the lyrics at the start of the post state, forever and ever, the scars will remain, but, you know what? Fuck anyone who isn’t happy with the way I am.
Unfortunately for them, I’m non-refundable and I don’t do exchanges. 😎
This is my entry for this weeks #SOCS, details of which can be found here!
Lyrics are from Give Me A Sign by Breaking Benjamin. It’s worth a listen if you haven’t heard it already!