my eyes are shady | Random Thoughts #35

9th August 

I start work in four hours and I’ve slept for about three hours. I’ve been up doing…God knows what for three hours. Reading. Reading stuff I’ve read many times before. I’m nuts. I don’t know what I was doing. 

Anyway, I have a raging headache and need to nap so obviously, I turned to Bob and his brand of boredom. 

  1. “It’s good to be back in the car that you’re comfortable in,” he says, after informing us that he got a lollipop while picking it up from the shop. I snorted and rolled my eyes. Receiving a lollipop is an Instamoment now. Go figure.
  2. He’s talking about how it’s a beautiful day and he’s driving but..I have no idea why he’s not focusing on the road. It’s this kind of nonsense that keeps me off the road. I’ll say more on this below. 
  3. Before clicking on the third video I thought, ‘Dear God, put your hat back on,’ but you know, I’m the Queen of Messy Hair ™ so I take it back. I can’t hear what he’s saying because he has music playing. While posting to Insta. Dude. Get your life together, please. Or turn it down. #GrandmaAtHeart
  4. Bob with a cute kitty. I was too busy awwing to have a snarky thought, but my eye is watering randomly, so there’s that. My eyes are shaaaady. 
  5. His animal baby talk leaves a lot to be desired, he really should just mute it. I felt queasy listening to it. The cat is super cute, though. 

Fucked up shit that I read about this week:

  • Psychotic jogger who pushed a woman into the path of a bus
  • Live stream murder – the 18 year old who killed her sister after crashing her car while livestreaming. She continued to live stream the aftermath and broadcasted her dead sister for all to see.

– Joggers are fucking nuts. The worst ones are those that insist on jogging on a crowded street and then get pissed off when people have the audacity to walk. Go somewhere else. 

– Posting videos while driving is something I don’t get. Bob used to do it a lot, and I was even commending him in my head for stopping (although, I don’t watch half of his videos so….), when I saw these ones and I was like… oh. I guess so long as the phone is in a holder and the driver isn’t impaired it’s not going to be a big issue but a second is all it takes. If I got into a car and saw someone doing that, I wouldn’t go anywhere with them. 

Anyway, never got around to that nap. Fuck everything. It’s now 03:28 and I’m trying to work on my job application (see previous post). I fell asleep for about an hour or so. I look awful. My eyes are red. I look like a zombie. My head. Oh, my head. 

Imma close out with some Daria (I’m on a 90s TV show kick right now! I will do a post on the other blog about it). 

This is so frustrating | Unplugged #3

Thing I’m doing: job application

Written 9th August

Okay, so, the last time I actually applied for a job was a while ago. Shortly before that disgusting slump I went (and am still going) through – that I spoke about here

Anyway, I found a job that sounds good and it doesn’t even have annoying questions. I just need to write a statement and I don’t think there’s any word count or anything. However, the job description is very detailed. Luckily, I have a really good template for the skills section and that’s done. However, the qualifications and experience is where I need to do the real work. 

Now, it’s due on Friday at 5pm and I’m nowhere near done. I put it off for a long time. I was supposed to complete it over the weekend, but that didn’t happen. Given that I’m miserable at my current job, I should be eager to complete it but… physically and mentally, it’s like I’m still recovering from everything. There’s this weird haziness that I’ve had over the past two weeks. Not even fatigue but haziness. Basically, if I don’t take a Vitamin B complex pill, I can barely function. 

Right now I work part-time, so it’s okay. I wonder if some part of me is just reluctant to go from a job where I’m more or less afforded the flexibility to manage how bad I feel to one where I’m doing 40+ hours. I wonder because whenever I sit down to work on this, I last five minutes before my brain becomes so foggy that I can’t think. It’s like someone has shoved cement marshmallows in my head and I’m trying to claw past them. It feels like shit and I’m slowly running out of ideas. Out of all of the issues I’ve had in life, this is the most awful one. My back condition, I can manage, the low moods and anxiety, I can manage, but not feeling like I can think straight, I can’t manage. 

It’s really irritating. It’s maddening. I would be angry if I could manage it. Instead I feel… like I’m wading in water. Ugh. I know I ought to go to the doctor, but the thought of going through tests and everything is so exhausting that I don’t bother. 

Anyone got any tips? I don’t think this is a mental thing anymore. It started off that way, but that’s a post for another time. Now it’s physical. I’m not tired but I’m always in pain, there’s always something. A few weeks ago I had a panic attack (I think I blogged about that? Idk) and while I blamed it on work, I discovered that it was probably the pain medication that caused that meltdown. 

I didn’t take a sinking pill afterwards until Tuesday when I was like, fuck it. It worked wonders, but halfway through getting my words mixed up I realised that codeine on an empty stomach isn’t the best idea. I was all over the place and not in a good way. Now it’s faded and I can’t tell if this heaviness in my brain is the drowsiness side effect or just regular scheduled programming. Probably both. 

Ah, anyway, today’s unplugged was my job application and it didn’t quite work out but I’m determined to get back on this horse. Wish me luck. 🙂