This is so frustrating | Unplugged #3

Thing I’m doing: job application

Written 9th August

Okay, so, the last time I actually applied for a job was a while ago. Shortly before that disgusting slump I went (and am still going) through – that I spoke about here

Anyway, I found a job that sounds good and it doesn’t even have annoying questions. I just need to write a statement and I don’t think there’s any word count or anything. However, the job description is very detailed. Luckily, I have a really good template for the skills section and that’s done. However, the qualifications and experience is where I need to do the real work. 

Now, it’s due on Friday at 5pm and I’m nowhere near done. I put it off for a long time. I was supposed to complete it over the weekend, but that didn’t happen. Given that I’m miserable at my current job, I should be eager to complete it but… physically and mentally, it’s like I’m still recovering from everything. There’s this weird haziness that I’ve had over the past two weeks. Not even fatigue but haziness. Basically, if I don’t take a Vitamin B complex pill, I can barely function. 

Right now I work part-time, so it’s okay. I wonder if some part of me is just reluctant to go from a job where I’m more or less afforded the flexibility to manage how bad I feel to one where I’m doing 40+ hours. I wonder because whenever I sit down to work on this, I last five minutes before my brain becomes so foggy that I can’t think. It’s like someone has shoved cement marshmallows in my head and I’m trying to claw past them. It feels like shit and I’m slowly running out of ideas. Out of all of the issues I’ve had in life, this is the most awful one. My back condition, I can manage, the low moods and anxiety, I can manage, but not feeling like I can think straight, I can’t manage. 

It’s really irritating. It’s maddening. I would be angry if I could manage it. Instead I feel… like I’m wading in water. Ugh. I know I ought to go to the doctor, but the thought of going through tests and everything is so exhausting that I don’t bother. 

Anyone got any tips? I don’t think this is a mental thing anymore. It started off that way, but that’s a post for another time. Now it’s physical. I’m not tired but I’m always in pain, there’s always something. A few weeks ago I had a panic attack (I think I blogged about that? Idk) and while I blamed it on work, I discovered that it was probably the pain medication that caused that meltdown. 

I didn’t take a sinking pill afterwards until Tuesday when I was like, fuck it. It worked wonders, but halfway through getting my words mixed up I realised that codeine on an empty stomach isn’t the best idea. I was all over the place and not in a good way. Now it’s faded and I can’t tell if this heaviness in my brain is the drowsiness side effect or just regular scheduled programming. Probably both. 

Ah, anyway, today’s unplugged was my job application and it didn’t quite work out but I’m determined to get back on this horse. Wish me luck. 🙂

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