story of my life

Last week was all about how That Guy was ignoring me.

This week he was (apparently) paying attention to me again.

I should note that this week I was looking on point (well my version of it, so crazy clown make up, but that’s a post for another time). Hmm. 

I can’t even begin to explain all of the nonsense to you guys, but I am super confused at the moment. I know I should remember how shitty he made me feel but my brain is receiving attention and processing it as YAY instead of ‘Oh, haaaaaitch no’ when the latter is needed.

I need to friendzone this guy yesterday. Last fucking millennium. Not even friendzone but acquaintance zone. He was so annoying this week, but somehow I feel like he fucking charmed me with his fuckery. Considering he made me cry last week, something is wrong with this picture.

I’m suddenly realising just how flippant my relationship advice has been over the years. I have counseled many people despite my perpetual singledom.

Just forget about him. 

Easier said than done. Especially when I see him occasionally. Not by choice either.

Ignore him. 

Only works if he’s ignoring me and that’s not very pleasant. On the other hand, him paying attention comes with its downsides.

Tell him to fuck off. 

Well that’s not nice. Although, I feel like I’m heading towards that point.

Fuck him. 

No, that’s what we want to avoid!

You don’t want someone like that. 

True, but unfortunately, it’s not as black and white as that. I don’t necessarily want him at all, I just don’t want any awkwardness.

I said in a previous post that the window of opportunity wasn’t necessarily shut on my side, but it’s closing. CLOSING.

Closed.

I might not have great self-esteem, but I’m listening to what this guy is telling me. He’s rude, disrespectful and doesn’t care about my feelings. I’m listening. It might be taking me a while to process it all, but I am hearing him loud and clear.

L & C.

I wrote up everything that happened this week but is it even worth posting? Meh. Expect the details in three weeks, lol. 😂

You know, what I might as well put the make up part here, lol.

This week was about trying to feel good about myself without anyone else’s input and I think I managed it. Like I said, I was wearing make up, I made an effort. Mostly because I’ve been poorly for most of the year. I was feeling better this week so I said why not throw a little make up on? I got many compliments over the course of the week and some unwanted staring, but eh, life.

The only thing is that eventually with makeup, I start to feel like a fraud. I don’t even wear that much. I’m not one of those people who watches YouTube tutorials and whatnot. I go with the standard concealer, eyeliner or shadow, lipstick, and mascara. Occasionally, I fill in my eyebrows but most of the time I can’t be bothered.

I don’t know, there’s just something uncomfortable about it. On one hand, I like looking nice, on the other I feel… uncomfortable? I’m not checking my reflection every five minutes, but I just feel weird. It’s not as bad as before when my face would break out into a greasy mess. Now it’s just a little shine (which a certain someone used to compliment me on, ugh) which looks kind of nice. I’ve gotten better at applying it, but I’m always taken back to that year I bought my first foundation.

I would cake my face in it every day and not feel comfortable with myself unless I had it on. It got to the point where I was waking up at 5.30 to have time to do it. Eventually, I snapped out of it and felt comfortable with my bare face again but I will never forget that anxiety I got without the make up.

Anyway, yeah. Weird. Uncomfortable. I wipe it off and I think ew. I’ve noticed that this happens more after my period. Usually, I breakout so I try to cover it up. Or I’m tired and I hate my face. So, it might be a weird emotional thing. I begin to hate my bare face and then the make up just makes me feel even more self-conscious.

I think the real issue is that I’m not very confident in my application skills? I have never really learnt how to apply it, I just throw it on. I also don’t have a specific look. I like variety, so it’s different lipstick, a eyeshadow, liner, etc every day. My lipsticks are all very bright (in my mind) bar a few matte shades which makes me feel like a clown half of the time.

I know it’s all in my head, but my self-esteem takes a simultaneous rise and fall with make up. I got many compliments on my make up this week, but in my head I just thought you look terrible and they pity you.

Ah. Story of my life.

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