I seem to have a love hate relationship with make-up. For the past few weeks I’ve really stepped up my look and while I’ve gotten compliments, I can sense that I’m on a dark path. I try to mix it up. Concealer only one day, full face the next, rinse, repeat.
I still feel like I’m heading down a miserable path.
This time, I know it’s directly linked to my self-esteem, but at the same time, I tried to spin it into a positive. However, I think I’m just deluding myself at this point. The amount of time I spend stressing over my make up is not good for me.
First, I apply foundation. And then I spend ten years sloppily drawing on my eyebrows. Powder. Cry about how it’s too light. Concealer. Blush because I feel like I look like Casper.
The worry is never ending.
Half of the time, I’m convinced I look terrible anyway. So, I figure that I’ll be honest with myself. Regular readers of my blog will know that I have an ongoing situation with some guy. He’s seen me without makeup tons of times. I was sick earlier on in the year and I didn’t wear any for a looooong time. We were seemingly cool. I did eventually start wearing it again shortly before everything went left.
In addition to that, the person he told me he likes is the kind of girl that wears make-up all the time and is naturally pretty and everything that I’m not. I don’t think I’m ugly per se, but I struggle with my looks a lot of the time. I hate my nose. I hate my cheeks. I hate everything. Sometimes, I think that I’m actually kind of adorable. Other times… ew. It all depends on my mood.
Anyway, after all of that drama, I have rarely been seen without makeup. I spent a good week obsessing over foundation and figuring out which one to buy, just so that I could buy it and show this guy that I don’t give a shit about him. I have started actually following tutorials instead of just playing around with what I have.
It’s messed up, but I tried to spin it. I told myself that it was an investment. I’ve only ever owned two foundations in my life prior to the two I bought last month. So, I needed some. I got the second one free, so it was meant to be. I figured that there was no harm in experimenting with my makeup. And it’s been fun. When I’m not overthinking it and trying to determine if my nose is too shiny.
I love my multicoloured eyeshadow and eyeliner. I wear those all the time anyway. It’s the full face make up look that really isn’t me. It’s not me at all. Maybe occasionally if I need a pick me up, but every day? It’s too much. It’s overwhelming.
Plus, if my goal was to look good enough that I had that guy in a tizzy, it worked. Tizzy status activated. Rebooting friendzone.
That doesn’t make me feel any better. Actually, I feel worse. I can’t believe that I’ve allowed some idiot to make me feel that badly about myself.
All I feel is panic at the thought of letting my face air out. Which means that I definitely have to let it all go. No foundation. No concealer. Even lipstick. I say this as someone who used to confidently rock lipstick and a bare face. I miss those days when I just didn’t give a fuck. I’m teetering on whether or not lip gloss is allowed. Maybe.
Moral of the story: never alter your appearance for a guy. Ain’t worth it.
I wasn’t going to post this but, hey, maybe it’ll help someone.