I seem to have a love hate relationship with make-up. For the past few weeks I’ve really stepped up my look and while I’ve gotten compliments, I can sense that I’m on a dark path. I try to mix it up. Concealer only one day, full face the next, rinse, repeat. 

I still feel like I’m heading down a miserable path. 

This time, I know it’s directly linked to my self-esteem, but at the same time, I tried to spin it into a positive. However, I think I’m just deluding myself at this point. The amount of time I spend stressing over my make up is not good for me. 

First, I apply foundation. And then I spend ten years sloppily drawing on my eyebrows. Powder. Cry about how it’s too light. Concealer. Blush because I feel like I look like Casper. 

The worry is never ending. 

Half of the time, I’m convinced I look terrible anyway. So, I figure that I’ll be honest with myself. Regular readers of my blog will know that I have an ongoing situation with some guy. He’s seen me without makeup tons of times. I was sick earlier on in the year and I didn’t wear any for a looooong time. We were seemingly cool. I did eventually start wearing it again shortly before everything went left. 

In addition to that, the person he told me he likes is the kind of girl that wears make-up all the time and is naturally pretty and everything that I’m not. I don’t think I’m ugly per se, but I struggle with my looks a lot of the time. I hate my nose. I hate my cheeks. I hate everything. Sometimes, I think that I’m actually kind of adorable. Other times… ew. It all depends on my mood.

Anyway, after all of that drama, I have rarely been seen without makeup. I spent a good week obsessing over foundation and figuring out which one to buy, just so that I could buy it and show this guy that I don’t give a shit about him. I have started actually following tutorials instead of just playing around with what I have. 

I wish my set up was this neat

It’s messed up, but I tried to spin it. I told myself that it was an investment. I’ve only ever owned two foundations in my life prior to the two I bought last month. So, I needed some. I got the second one free, so it was meant to be. I figured that there was no harm in experimenting with my makeup. And it’s been fun. When I’m not overthinking it and trying to determine if my nose is too shiny. 

I love my multicoloured eyeshadow and eyeliner. I wear those all the time anyway. It’s the full face make up look that really isn’t me. It’s not me at all. Maybe occasionally if I need a pick me up, but every day? It’s too much. It’s overwhelming. 

Plus, if my goal was to look good enough that I had that guy in a tizzy, it worked. Tizzy status activated. Rebooting friendzone. 

That doesn’t make me feel any better. Actually, I feel worse. I can’t believe that I’ve allowed some idiot to make me feel that badly about myself. 

All I feel is panic at the thought of letting my face air out. Which means that I definitely have to let it all go. No foundation. No concealer. Even lipstick. I say this as someone who used to confidently rock lipstick and a bare face. I miss those days when I just didn’t give a fuck. I’m teetering on whether or not lip gloss is allowed. Maybe. 


Moral of the story: never alter your appearance for a guy. Ain’t worth it. 

I wasn’t going to post this but, hey, maybe it’ll help someone. 



5 thoughts on “insecure

  1. You know what? I used to wear makeup in high school. It was the thing to do. In college, I hardly used any. After, I would occasionally use a little something to even out my skin tone and maybe lipstick, but that’s it. Now… I *might* occasionally wear lipstick. That’s it. Mom says eye makeup would look amazing on me but at this point, I have no clue what I’m doing. Yeah… I don’t even know how to do makeup anymore. Sure, I could sit around watching youtube videos but mostly, I think… why bother? My husband doesn’t notice shit. I don’t even have a job. My kids will think I look weird. The check-out girl at the grocery store isn’t going to care. If I did it, it would only be for me. I don’t really think it’s worth it… I don’t think it will make me suddenly confident. And I’d have to deal with my daughter asking me why I look so weird.

    Not that this really has anything to do with altering my appearance for a guy, but…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t deal with those YouTube videos, but I like the picture guides on Pinterest. That’s where I finally learnt that you’re supposed to conceal under your eyebrows!
      Yeah, same here. In school, I wore mascara and lipgloss to fit in. During university, I wore silver eyeliner mostly. There was one year where I caked my face in foundation every day. Welp.

      You should mess around with eye makeup if you have time. I always find that a little bit of colour can give you a nice pick me up. Usually I wear makeup because I look in the mirror and I’m like ‘ew, why do I look so damn tired’. Haha. That being said, it’s sort of fun to play with when I’m not over thinking it.

      Anyway, I’m off to search for an eyeshadow palette that I probably can’t afford. πŸ˜‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I always look tired. Always. I hate that… I should look into doing “something*, I guess.

        Have fun shopping… πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Best trick I’ve found for looking tired is – coconut oil/vitamin e overnight. I also use a charcoal face scrub and a tea tree oil scrub. Occasionally I use a rose water/glycerin mix (I would say start with this – super easy to make yourself). LOL. I use a lot of things. Ironically, I got really into it because I found these fine lines on my face and I was scared of looking old, but then someone told me I looked like I’m 17 y/o this week. I’m still riding along that confidence boost. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

        At the very least, you can pretend there’s a difference, lol. For the day time, under eye concealer and a decent primer do wonders. I sometimes just use eyeliner or eyeshadow to draw attention away from my under eye area etc. That area is the worst ugh.

        I will. Gotta look pretty for Chris! πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’m older than you… and I have some… fine lines. But no one ever guesses my age correctly. They are always 10 – 15 years under the actual number… so that’s good. πŸ™‚

        Damn, at this point, I know so little about beauty products it’s sad. I have a good cleanser and moisturizer… and I have a few other things… but I’m mostly lost on this… so thanks for the info! πŸ™‚

        I’m sure Chris will be pleased. πŸ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

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