Life

my own little world

It was around 23:40 and my feet were starting to hurt. Home was maybe a few minutes away and it was either keep going or stop. Keep going to the mad house or sit in the dark and have some peace. I chose the latter and it was so nice. I took some I’ll advised selfies (why?!) and flicked through my phone aimlessly, and eventually I put on my music. I sat there and thought about nothing. I wanted nothing more than to just remain there. It was warm outside, but there was a cool breeze that soothed my frazzled nerves. A few people passed by but it was like I was in my own little world. It was awesome and sort of depressing at the same time. I wonder what I must have looked like. 

The lonely girl sitting outside at night doing nothing. 

Hopefully, I was invisible. That’s what I was going for. 
It hit me earlier that day that I don’t have any peace. There’s always something. Mornings are hectic, afternoons are hectic, evenings are hectic. There’s never any solitude, not even when I’m sleeping because I sure as hell haven’t slept well for a long time now. Someone might call that ironic, but there’s a reason why I’m so tired all the time. I’ve grown tired of saying that I’m tired. It’s not even a physical tiredness but mental tiredness. I wake up each day and I just think, ‘here we fucking go again‘. 

The noise. Oh, the noise, and the fact that I feel like a slice of bread just before it pops out of the toaster. Hot and ready to explode. It’s the same shit every day and I am sick of it. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of saying that I’m going to do something and just failing miserably. I’m tired of failing but it’s all I seem to know how to do. There’s always an excuse, and that excuse is almost always tiredness. I’m to tired to go there. I’m too tired to do this. I don’t have the energy. I never have the energy. I’m tired of having to navigate around someone and micromanage every action just to avoid the complaints that will come anyway. I’m tired of wasting what little energy I have on other people who don’t appreciate it. 

I’m just fucking tired. 

That’s not normal, I don’t think. Not that I aspire to be normal but something is fundamentally wrong when I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t tired and I don’t know what it is. Everything is wrong and I have no idea how to get out of it. 

What I do know is that I need to find more moments of peace for myself. 

hiptobesnark.

technology

Today’s generation


My phone is always telling me that Insta needs to be updated, but I ignore it. Today I was like, let me see what they’ve added to warrant the update and from the reviews I got:

  • More Snapchat like filters
  • See above
  • See above

I dived into the reviews to see if people have some of the same issues I do like the front page not being chronological? It’s just a mess of posts and really confusing. I can’t fathom why enough people haven’t complained about that. 

Anyway, I came across this:

Yoooooo, I guess money falls on trees for this person! I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to expect an app to work on their current phone. Why would anyone buy a new phone just so they can have a better experience on Instagram or Facebook, whatever? It’s needless. So long as the phone can receive messages and has functional internet, that’s it. 

Mind you, it seems like all the young kids have the latest flashiest handsets. That’s nice for them. I’m happy that I was brought up with more respect for how mu parents would pay for the phones or gadgets. I’ve had many awful phones, but they got the job done. 

I’ve never had an iPhone, or an iPad. I have a Kindle Fire HD 7. I got it in 2012 and I still use it to this day. There are people who have upgraded their tablets at least four times since I got it. I could get something pricier, but I don’t see why. If it works, why replace it?

It never fails to amaze me just how eager people are to line the pockets of people and companies who have enough money to solve world poverty in a blink of an eye. 

Awkward Situations, Life, Random Thoughts

i’m trying | Random Thoughts #28

Mood

See this post
Shit that happened

So I was at the butchers and I gave my order and made sure to avoid eye contact because they are always creepy. I looked up around the time that it should have been ready and I saw the guy serving me blowing kisses through the mirror. I was wondering what the fuck he was doing when I realised that he was blowing kisses at me. I just smiled awkwardly because it’s not like I was about to leave without my goods. There was also another guy Who was just STARING at me so much that the one blowing kisses asked if I knew him. 

My life is so exciting. 

Shortly after that, the bag split. I also realised that my backpack was open the entire time that I was at the ATM, and my phone was in there. To make things worse, I kept leaving my bag open multiple times. At one point someone actually pointed it out to me. I definitely needed a chaperone that day. 

What else has been going? Too much chocolate that’s for sure. I’ve lost a lot of weight over the past few months but not enough. And not where it counts!

Bob

I am concerned about Bob. 

First he posted a picture of some guy relieving himself by a tree in broad daylight. Yeah, it’s a douche move but taking a picture just proves that you have too much time on your hands. I haven’t actually seen any of his videos because I can’t be bothered. I have a few saved but I see that he was at a concert of some sort and I was just like, nope. I’ll save what I have for the next RT. It’s almost like I’ve conducted my own intervention but really I’ve been a foul mood all week and I need to be in my right mind to view Bob’s narcissism and all around shallowness. Did I mention that he posted a picture of lemonade? How 2016. 

ETA: Still haven’t watched any of his videos. Right now there are none up either so I’m taking it as a sign. I did like the picture (accompanied by stupid caption as per usual) he posted. 

You know, I don’t think my captions are any better. I have one saved in drafts that reads ‘the cupcake of chip-ions’. 

It’s a picture of my homemade chocolate chip cupcakes. 

I’m a hypocrite aren’t I? Does this mean that I owe Bob an apology for mocking him? 

Nah. Sorry, Bob! Wait…

Anyway, Bob appears to be at some wine tasting with Mrs Bob. I tend to avoid videos with her in them because there’s no need I bring someone else into my ridicule and also she sort of ruins the whole eye candy thing for me. Is that weird? Am I being weird? Lol. Redundant question. I’ll add them to the growing pile of videos.

Intervention progress level: 50%

Saturday

I went shopping. Oh my God. So I’m pretty sure I’m reacting to medication or work. Today I went to the area where I work and I was shopping and I just felt sick the entire time. I’m talking heart racing, nausea, dizziness, feeling hot. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I hate shopping so much. Too many people, too much anxiety and too much hell no. Oh and too much money spent. I can just do that online, lol. It was so awful. I won’t be doing it again.

I’m trying

Again, I worry that I’m disappearing but people can reach out, right? I’ll reply eventually. Most of the time. I might need a nudge or two these days. I’m not really okay, but it feels like a competition these days. I’m in pain, you’re in pain too. I’m sad, you’re sad too. I’m lonely, you’re lonely too. I’m sure I’m guilty of it too, more so than others, but I can’t deal with other people sometimes. 

However, I’m trying. 

Chester

You know, when I heard that Chester Bennington died, I felt bad for not keeping up with Linkin Park of late. I have no idea why. I’m not going to pretend that he changed my life or anything, just acknowledge that they were a huge part of my music library library for many years. What was interesting to me was how many people kind of made his death about them? We call it ‘paying tribute’, but is it really? Why do people have to die for us to acknowledge what they’ve done? It’s kind of sad. It’s sad that people have turned death into a weird social media bragging contest about how much so and so meant to them. I don’t get it. 

Is suicide selfish?

What do you guys think? You know how you think your stance is dead set on something, but then you realise that it isn’t? Yeah, that. We’re a complicated species. 

Creative shit

I’m making earrings now.  It’s much harder than it looks! Fuuuuuck. I think this is the most scattered post yet. 

💜

Angry Thoughts

i’m like a slow cooker | Angry Thoughts #1

Yes, I’m doing angry thoughts now because there’s so much in this world that irritates me. 
I am like a slow cooker. My anger simmers beneath the surface until it grows and in some rare cases, boils over. 

Eventually, I calm down. 

This week, the two managers at work are the two that I truly cannot stand. 

This meant that my anger blew up on Monday. Ding ding ding.

We have Squeaky who thinks it’s appropriate to call my name every five minutes to tell me to do the same thing. It’s to the point where I get random people saying ‘oh, so you’re snark, I always hear your name!’. I don’t like to be known like that. In an ideal world I’d get on with my work on peace. Squeaky finally got on my last nerves on Monday. It was bordering on harassment. I was so angry by the end of the shift that I was visibly agitated. Now, I was already annoyed before I go there, but still. 

I’m kind of weird in that if you’re on my bad side you get nothing from me. I’m serious. No smile, no conversation, just silence. The idea is that they get the hint and leave me the fuck alone. I guess that’s hard to do at work but I don’t give a fuck. I am not talking to you. Go. Away. Stop pestering me. Let me get on with the work. Stop calling me repeatedly. I’m not a dog. I think Squeaky has detected my disdain for them. I’d like to think that they have good observational skills, but you never know. Maybe they’re the idiot that I think they are. 

I will be ignoring them until I leave this job. 

Now onto the other manager, Damp Squib. DS was really nice when I first started. He let you get on with it and I always did a good job. That all changed a few months ago. He would get agitated and panicked and then pass that onto us. Still, he was okay. 
Until he wasn’t. 

I am probably an easy target. I don’t say much, I do whatever I’m asked and I’m not a favourite. They can all pick on me with no problem. DS is always on my case. I finally reached my limit last Friday when he was like, “I’m giving you two options – the hard way or the easy way’

Excuse me? Im not your child. 

Fuck you and your options. 

Like I said, I’m quiet and I don’t really speak to managers. Not because I’m uppity, but because I’m not stupid. The managers do the most gossiping. They and the fucking staff members who kiss ass and make friends with them. 

I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to make money.

To go back to Squeaky, there was an awkward situation where they were more or less laughing at me along with someone else. I can’t prove it, but I’m 99% sure. I’m not mad over it, but since then I’ve paid Squeaky dust. Whenever they try to speak to me I just look on blankly. Squeaky doesn’t care, which works well for me. 

Damp Squib on the other hand… he tried to smile at me and I just walked past him like I didn’t see. I don’t think so, buddy. I’m not wasting my energy fake smiling at you. He also asked me for a favour (very rudely) and then tried to thank me after. I was just like, whatever. I don’t have time for him. The first, second, third time, I let it go. After that, no. I don’t think so. 

I am so done with all of them. If I didn’t need money, I’d just never turn up again. I have never encountered such a situation where I feel like I’m being treated like an animal. I think animals are treated better than we are. 

Our new HBIC has installed a ‘no talking’ policy, just so we know that he’s a dick, I guess. Noted. Fuck you too, I’m not going to say a word to any of you. I am not doing you favours. I am not smiling at you. If I didn’t need my vacation time approved, I’d never voluntarily speak to any of them again. 

They can all fuck off. 

In the meantime, I’m gonna go dust of my resume. 

It’s time to escape this hell. 

snark, out (hopefully soon!)

Awkward Situations, Life

the worst part about crying

I have a new category called Angry Thoughts. It was just a matter of time. First post will be on its way. Random Thoughts is emptyyyy. I’ve been saving Bob’s stories to watch them over the weekend. Luckily, I’ve either missed some or he’s been quiet. Which is good because I think he was running out of things to post. 

Onto the worst part about crying. 

For me it’s not the act itself, but what comes with it and how it comes. 

  • Raging headache

Need I say more?

  • Puffy red eyes 

We can’t all cry prettily like they do on TV.

  • Cuts under my nose

Usually from toilet paper (damn, does it hurt!). I had to rub Vaseline on it. 

  • Crying in public

It was ridiculous and I’m not sure what happened. I started having these chest pains and I was like, ‘I DON’T NEED THIS’ because my heart was pounding really fast and I’m pretty sure my feet were swollen and I have something wrong with my leg and just, I think it was probably a panic attack. 

I know exactly why I had one, but it was awful. The worst part is that I walked past several people and they didn’t even notice. I’m invisible. Tell me something I don’t know. Eventually someone did spot that I was upset and they spoke to me and helped me calm down. That was super nice of them and I’m very grateful. 

I also spoke to my friend about it and she was helpful. I’m so used to bottling every thing up all the time that I was so discombobulated and all over the place. I work really hard at controlling my outer appearance, if you like. I’ve been told by so many people that I’m hard to read or I’m “so quiet” and that’s for a reason. If I think you’re worth talking to, then that’s it. We’re cool. If I don’t, I won’t say a word to you. Life is too short to waste energy on people who don’t deserve it. 

To cut a long story short, I woke up the next day and I was like fuck this and I blasted out New Kids On The Block while I was in the shower. It helped a lot. Boybands are my therapy. Lol!

Bitchin', Life, Social Media

Hiding away from the world

You know, I used to be that girl who talked to everyone all the time, everywhere before I got burned out. I was trying to be too many things to too many people and in the end, I ran. I ran like someone just told me that they’d seen stacks of cash in the near distance. 

I felt like I was a magnet, constantly attracting non-magnetic objects. I was friends with people, but they weren’t friends with me. I was always there for people, but they were never there for me. I was the shoulder to cry on, but all I got was elbows to the face. 

After that, the best decision was to get the fuck away. Anyone who wanted to talk to me would find a way. 

Boy, were my eyes opened.

My newfound solitude was lonely at first, but eventually, I got used to it and here I am.

Occasionally, I fall into the habit. I disappear and when I emerge I realise that so much has happened. Life changes so quickly and these days, you’ve got social media to help you keep up but on those days when I’m like fuck this there is no social media, no news, no nothing. Quite what I do on those days is a mystery to me. It’s like a vacuum in my mind where everything vanishes and I wake up three days later and I’m like, damn, where did the time go. 

I think a lot of this is down to how much we are encouraged to share about ourselves. I used to be that girl that shared every single damn thought in my head. I was an open book until I realised that the more you share of yourself, the less you have to yourself. If that makes sense. 

However, I often find myself looking at my life and I’m like, my gosh I’m boring. Eventually, I ask myself relative to who? We don’t tell people about the mundane shit we do. Like shopping, eating, drinking. Oh, wait, we do. Apparently that’s the interesting part. 

Not for me.

Even with that in mind I still find myself comparing myself to other people. That person looks so put together and I look like shit. I went to school with her and she’s got her life together while I can barely dredge up an ounce of motivation. She’s really pretty and I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backward. He’s got tons of money and I struggle to buy food.

It’s hard not to look anywhere and find some kind of way in which you’re a failure. 

Most days, I can deal with that. Life isn’t supposed to be easy. If it was it would be legal to sucker punch the next asshole who shoves past me at the train station. 

Most days, I roll my eyes and tell myself that a picture doesn’t mean shit. An article is just a snapshot. Everything is just a tiny piece of a complicated puzzle. 

Some days, though, I have to jump ship before I can drown. You know those days when a stupid picture of a Starbucks cup has you think I can’t remember the last place I even went anyway and suddenly I’m wasting my life, I’m not worthwhile, I don’t do anything for anyone, blah, blah, blah. Some days I have to avoid that and I just disappear. 

I can’t tell you what I do on those days because time tends to fly by without stopping long enough for me to take a breath. 

I haven’t worked out if that’s a good or bad thing.