Awkward Situations, Life, Random Thoughts

i’m trying | Random Thoughts #28

Mood

See this post
Shit that happened

So I was at the butchers and I gave my order and made sure to avoid eye contact because they are always creepy. I looked up around the time that it should have been ready and I saw the guy serving me blowing kisses through the mirror. I was wondering what the fuck he was doing when I realised that he was blowing kisses at me. I just smiled awkwardly because it’s not like I was about to leave without my goods. There was also another guy Who was just STARING at me so much that the one blowing kisses asked if I knew him. 

My life is so exciting. 

Shortly after that, the bag split. I also realised that my backpack was open the entire time that I was at the ATM, and my phone was in there. To make things worse, I kept leaving my bag open multiple times. At one point someone actually pointed it out to me. I definitely needed a chaperone that day. 

What else has been going? Too much chocolate that’s for sure. I’ve lost a lot of weight over the past few months but not enough. And not where it counts!

Bob

I am concerned about Bob. 

First he posted a picture of some guy relieving himself by a tree in broad daylight. Yeah, it’s a douche move but taking a picture just proves that you have too much time on your hands. I haven’t actually seen any of his videos because I can’t be bothered. I have a few saved but I see that he was at a concert of some sort and I was just like, nope. I’ll save what I have for the next RT. It’s almost like I’ve conducted my own intervention but really I’ve been a foul mood all week and I need to be in my right mind to view Bob’s narcissism and all around shallowness. Did I mention that he posted a picture of lemonade? How 2016. 

ETA: Still haven’t watched any of his videos. Right now there are none up either so I’m taking it as a sign. I did like the picture (accompanied by stupid caption as per usual) he posted. 

You know, I don’t think my captions are any better. I have one saved in drafts that reads ‘the cupcake of chip-ions’. 

It’s a picture of my homemade chocolate chip cupcakes. 

I’m a hypocrite aren’t I? Does this mean that I owe Bob an apology for mocking him? 

Nah. Sorry, Bob! Wait…

Anyway, Bob appears to be at some wine tasting with Mrs Bob. I tend to avoid videos with her in them because there’s no need I bring someone else into my ridicule and also she sort of ruins the whole eye candy thing for me. Is that weird? Am I being weird? Lol. Redundant question. I’ll add them to the growing pile of videos.

Intervention progress level: 50%

Saturday

I went shopping. Oh my God. So I’m pretty sure I’m reacting to medication or work. Today I went to the area where I work and I was shopping and I just felt sick the entire time. I’m talking heart racing, nausea, dizziness, feeling hot. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I hate shopping so much. Too many people, too much anxiety and too much hell no. Oh and too much money spent. I can just do that online, lol. It was so awful. I won’t be doing it again.

I’m trying

Again, I worry that I’m disappearing but people can reach out, right? I’ll reply eventually. Most of the time. I might need a nudge or two these days. I’m not really okay, but it feels like a competition these days. I’m in pain, you’re in pain too. I’m sad, you’re sad too. I’m lonely, you’re lonely too. I’m sure I’m guilty of it too, more so than others, but I can’t deal with other people sometimes. 

However, I’m trying. 

Chester

You know, when I heard that Chester Bennington died, I felt bad for not keeping up with Linkin Park of late. I have no idea why. I’m not going to pretend that he changed my life or anything, just acknowledge that they were a huge part of my music library library for many years. What was interesting to me was how many people kind of made his death about them? We call it ‘paying tribute’, but is it really? Why do people have to die for us to acknowledge what they’ve done? It’s kind of sad. It’s sad that people have turned death into a weird social media bragging contest about how much so and so meant to them. I don’t get it. 

Is suicide selfish?

What do you guys think? You know how you think your stance is dead set on something, but then you realise that it isn’t? Yeah, that. We’re a complicated species. 

Creative shit

I’m making earrings now.  It’s much harder than it looks! Fuuuuuck. I think this is the most scattered post yet. 

💜

Awkward Situations, Life

the worst part about crying

I have a new category called Angry Thoughts. It was just a matter of time. First post will be on its way. Random Thoughts is emptyyyy. I’ve been saving Bob’s stories to watch them over the weekend. Luckily, I’ve either missed some or he’s been quiet. Which is good because I think he was running out of things to post. 

Onto the worst part about crying. 

For me it’s not the act itself, but what comes with it and how it comes. 

  • Raging headache

Need I say more?

  • Puffy red eyes 

We can’t all cry prettily like they do on TV.

  • Cuts under my nose

Usually from toilet paper (damn, does it hurt!). I had to rub Vaseline on it. 

  • Crying in public

It was ridiculous and I’m not sure what happened. I started having these chest pains and I was like, ‘I DON’T NEED THIS’ because my heart was pounding really fast and I’m pretty sure my feet were swollen and I have something wrong with my leg and just, I think it was probably a panic attack. 

I know exactly why I had one, but it was awful. The worst part is that I walked past several people and they didn’t even notice. I’m invisible. Tell me something I don’t know. Eventually someone did spot that I was upset and they spoke to me and helped me calm down. That was super nice of them and I’m very grateful. 

I also spoke to my friend about it and she was helpful. I’m so used to bottling every thing up all the time that I was so discombobulated and all over the place. I work really hard at controlling my outer appearance, if you like. I’ve been told by so many people that I’m hard to read or I’m “so quiet” and that’s for a reason. If I think you’re worth talking to, then that’s it. We’re cool. If I don’t, I won’t say a word to you. Life is too short to waste energy on people who don’t deserve it. 

To cut a long story short, I woke up the next day and I was like fuck this and I blasted out New Kids On The Block while I was in the shower. It helped a lot. Boybands are my therapy. Lol!

Awkward Situations, Random Thoughts

shut up and drink your tea | Random Thoughts #27

Our first (not so random) thought is:

He has problems

Obviously this was my response to Bob this week. He posted some clip from movie with Jason Isaacs, who had some kind of drill attached to some dude’s mouth and I don’t even know. There was blood involved and I had to turn my phone away. I guess it was a horror movie [looked it up, it was A Cure For Wellness] of some sort.

In the next clip, Bob is sarcastically (at least that’s how I took it) saying that the movie had ‘fucking amazing cinematography’ and that he hoped we enjoyed that. I had to turn my phone away, bro. Fuck you. I seemed to move on though, because next he had a picture of his shoes which were cool. I would screenshot them, but yeah, Bob shall remain anonymous. Sort of anonymous. I would feel bad if he ever knew that I have dedicated multiple posts to mocking him. LOL. 

It would be hilarious, though. I’m mean that way. 😝

That bird is definitely about to poop on someone

This bird flew over me and made a nose that souned like an evil cackle. I kid you not. I was just laughing to myself. It sounded way too pleased with itself. I could just tell it was about to wreak havoc on someone. I’m glad that it wasn’t me. 

Pain, pain, go away

Everything hurts. Legs. Back. Arms. Wrists. Everything. I think it’s a result of going back to work after nine days off (woo!). This is how I used to feel the day after PE class but ten times worse. I’m guessing I have muscle sprains and strains. I am finally taking meds for it. Last week Aunt Flo was in town and I don’t like taking medication for that. This week… bleh. I need a new job. 

What the fuck do I do with it?

I have no idea what this thought was about but I’m sure I ask this question at least ten times a day. 

Obviously you do care!

Bob again. I was waiting for the kettle to boil so I checked out his story. 

Bob started off by saying that this is what his mornings look like. There was some serious bedhead, but the artfully tousled kind and not my kind where my hair is a bush and there’s crust on my eyes (but, hey, I’m sexy too! Just ask my postman). Anyway, after that he drinks his tea and he says that during this time he likes to look at his Instafeed. Okaaaay.

What he said next had me like….

He goes into this rant about how he has noticed that companies and certain people buy likes and followers which is stupid and wrong. He says that companies would probably deny it if asked but ‘he doesn’t care’ it’s up to them to do what they want. And THEN, he was like ‘it’s kind of narcissistic. It’s narcissism.’

I was LAUGHING SO HARD. 

Bob, you’re straight done. 

1. Huge difference between narcissism and deception. Buying followers and likes isn’t narcissism, it’s just dishonest and designed to deceive. 

2. Bob, brother, if we’re talking about actual narcissism, you’re part of the problem. Every picture on your feed is of YOURSELF! 

3. Shut up and drink your tea, Bob.

Anyway, I guess halfway through he decided to ‘act’ and jokingly tell someone to shut the fuck up because his story is way more important than theirs. By that point, I was convinced that the whole thing was some kind of spoof. I’m still not sure that I didn’t imagine it all. 

Either way, thanks for the laugh, Bob!

His cute friend made an appearance today…He was doing ‘curls for the girls’ as Bob put it. I think I’d probably punch Bob in the face if we were friends. I was contemplating following him [Bob’s cute friend], but I got thinking about how much room for stupidity I have left in my life. Work takes up most of the quota. Bob takes up a fair amount also. Hard pass. 

Also, they were at the gym which really annoys me. Part of why I’m too afraid (okay, so maybe I’m lazy) to go to the gym is all of this Snapchat and live video nonsense. Is nothing and nowhere sacred anymore?? I ended up in a Twitter video today, smh. Nothing special but still. Can you not?

Complete and utter madness

Everyone at my job is incompetent bar a few people. That’s all. 

I’m officially doing too much

Can someone PLEASE schedule my Bob intervention? Some of the bullshit he posts just makes my head hurt. I’ve also figured out how to save people’s stories (why? Every second I miss from Bob is a blessing!). 

I need help, guys. Please help me. 

Awkward Situations, Life

Gone Dark

Written on 4th July

Random Thoughts has gone dark. As of writing, my internet is DOWN!

It’s a travesty.

Anyway, I’m back at work this week and Aunt Flo literally came to town as I arrived. She made her presence known. I’m talking full blown cramps that would have me rolling on the floor if I hadn’t been dealing with this nonsense since I was a young’un. It’s funny because every time Aunt Flo comes along it’s like I’m doing this shit for the first time. The level of irritation and horror is always different. It’s never the same. It’s like being visited by a genuine family member who’s always in some kind of trouble. 

However, this visit was a lot more stable than the last two.

Or three? As far back as April. Whenever I started going on about Bob (model/actor/writer/narcissist/rampantly shirtless/terrible caption writer/provider of secondhand embarrassment that I follow on Instagram). My whole Bob fixation/obsession/casual observation began at the beginning of that period (no pun intended) so we can blame that on Aunt Flo.

At the time, it was more feeling low and depressed than anything else but I didn’t realise what was in store. Nine weeks of horror. I get that this is TMI, but who else am I going to tell this to? My diary? Actually. That might be better but I’ve started it now.

Anyway, I will admit that I’m not one of those girls who keeps track with Aunt Flo. I’ve never gotten into the habit of writing it down because usually, I knew she was coming when I felt the sharp, stabbing cramps. That system worked very well until last year.

Last year Aunt Flo went crazy. Now, she was already crazy, but I didn’t realise how bad it was until I was living away from home and I didn’t need to do anything for anyone but myself. Oh, boy. I’m talking fatigue, not being able to function, cramps, just all around uselessness. The worst thing was that this usually came after Aunt Flo packed her bags. So, I would have one week to anticipate her arrival, three days of her wonderful company and then one week of feeling like I’d been hit by a truck, one week of recovering and then…Aunt Flo would be back! It was like being strapped to a rollercoaster. 

I put that down to stress because three weeks between her visits is not enough time. Like. Seriously. No. Never. I need a 28 day cycle please. 

Anyway, going back to this April, the same shit happened again. I had three visits in about two months (just over – nine weeks). It was horrendous. I reached a point where I was just tired. I’d wake up tired. Go to bed tired. Wake up tired. Go to bed tired. Everything tired. Around the same time, I ended up with a ganglion on my wrist and some other issue in my other wrist and I couldn’t lean on them. I could barely type but I did anyway, because what else was I going to do? Sit here and feel sorry for myself? Nah.

The pain is on and off now in my wrist. I’m not sure what really triggers it (I’m lying – everything does). I have worn some form of brace on a near enough daily basis since it became very bad and that seems to be helping. 

So, yeah. If I hadn’t taken a week off work, I have no idea how I’d be feeling now. I am not looking forward to next week*. Something has got to give.

For now, I’m looking into taking vitamins and supplements – I definitely think my iron is low after all of that. Hopefully, I can get a regular routine and slowly return back to the land of the living because the last thing any of us needs is Bob 2.0.

That would be the real travesty. 

(*The following week was awful as predicted. God help me.)

Awkward Situations, Life

Girl, can you shut up

Hello, snarklings!

You know I didn’t realise that I’d taken a blogging break until over the weekend? Sometimes I get lost in my own head and don’t realise it, but I’m back! 

Last week was relatively uneventful but this happened…


I was on my way home when I sort of crossed the road in a dodgy manner. I noticed these two guys stumbling outside of park and I was like, let me try and walk past unnoticed. 
Didn’t work. 

They gestured for me to take my headphones out (sigh…), asked me if I was alright (sigh…), asked me where I was from (sigh…). Tried to make me guess where one of them was from (final answer was ‘question mark’). 

This was all after midnight, so I’m tired, have a headache and want to go home. I’m hoping that they will go in one direction while I go in mine. 

My hope was unfulfilled. 

They say that they’ll walk me home because it’s late (oh, thank you? Where were they when I was walking home an hour later every day way back in December?).

Anyway, we start walking and one guy, the chatty one, asks me a lot of questions. The other one is quiet…bizarrely enough, he wanted my number but didn’t give me his when I said that I’d take it instead, but his friend gave me his number – but not his name? He told me to save it as Jack of Jill so I went with Rando. I think Rando said that the other guy doesn’t have a phone which explains the number malarkey. 

The number he gave me is an extra digit long as well but the upside is that there is someone out there with a picture of young!Arnold Schwarzenegger as their profile photo on WhatsApp and it’s hilarious. I have no idea if it’s one of these guys or not and I didn’t bother to find out.

Back to the story…

Oddly enough, little old quiet me wasn’t quiet for once. Oh, no, I was snarky, chatty, and I actually let them partially walk me home. The usual me would have doubled back and taken a different route just to make sure that they were gone. The usual me would not have said a word. 

However, my aversion to people tends to temporarily malfunction when I’m tired, irritated and have a headache. I was/had all three and talking to these guys actually distracted me from that. I, of course, had a bright yellow bag with me which I’m never taking out again. Clearly it will attract all sorts, lol. 

At one point, they were almost jogging to keep up with me and they continued to try and guess where I worked. The funny guy asked me why I was in a rush. Fam, it’s after midnight and I’m on my way home from work, I’m not really going to be taking my time. I’m not that big of an idiot.

Anyway, me being the introverted social anxiety sufferer that I am, I’ve now replayed it a million times in my head. The running theme of the conversation was where I worked (they would guess, I would say no). That was because I told them I was on my way back from work and also sort of mentioned the area that I worked in before I finally had a brainwave and I was like, girl can you shut up. 

How do I go from saying nothing to blabbing uncontrollably? I don’t babble at strangers. Ever. 

So I played it coy from that point on. It was nice to have someone to partially walk me home and we did have a funny conversation – I asked if they were chilling and they were like LOL NO AT THIS TIME? I just said, ‘well, you both look pretty comfortable that’s why I’m asking [as you stumbled out of the park at this unsociable hour].’ 

Maybe you had to be there, but still, it was interesting. One of them freely admitted that he was high and not making sense and I was just thinking…that explains a lot. 

However, like I said to my friend, I hope I never see them again…

  1. I am probably older than both of them.
  2. …. I’m not sure if approaching a female who’s on her own after midnight is a good thing? Is this a thing that people do outside of club areas? This was a residential area and there was no one else around. 
  3. For my own safety. My friend asked me if I was scared and I genuinely wasn’t. Maybe I should have been? LOL. 

      If you’re wondering why these guys were even interested in me at all, you’re not the only one. I looked absolutely awful.  I wasn’t wearing a single lick of make up. My hair was a mess, my face was greasy because it’s so hot. I was sweaty. I didn’t look hideous but I didn’t look special either. . 

      I guess it was just the perfect day for two strangers to show up and walk me home. 

      Awkward Situations, Bitchin'

      Dear Former Friend…

      Dear Former Friend,

      Or rather, what’s up bitch?

      Yeah, it’s kind of like that. It’s been over a year since we first got into an argument over something that actually matters for once.

      It’s been over a year since we more or less stopped speaking.

      That’s a shame.

      No, really, it is. I still think you’re an idiot for saying what you did. I think you’re ignorant, self-centred and too lazy to look up basic information. I think you’re naive, misinformed and not interested in changing that about yourself.

      These are the reasons why I stopped talking to you.

      I suppose I expected you to re-evaluate yourself and actually get back to me. I expected you to Google your shit.

      It’s safe to say that I expected too much.

      Anyway, our friendship is done and I guess I’m okay with it.

      I still have various reminders of you, the gifts you sent, the way I always kept the packaging and how I randomly found your address within my stuff the other day.

      I still have one more gift that I never sent to you, but I have no idea where it is.

      Much like you, it’s vanished without a trace.

      And I can’t say that I didn’t try. I gave you the perfect opening to try and amend things but clearly you’re not interested.

      That means that I’m not interested.

      I’m sorry for not being the kind of friend that doesn’t call you out on your shit, but not sorry for calling you out.

      Hopefully you’ve learnt how to think before you speak.

      Lots of love lost,

      Me.

      P.S. I found the gift. It’s probably going to go to someone else. Too bad.

      ~

      Damn, y’all. It’s been quiet here too. Usually I’m chatty on one blog or the other. I guess I’ll update you all soon. I have a whole bunch of things saved – so I was writing but not posting. Weird but not weird at the same time. Lol!

      More later!

      Awkward Situations, Life

      I’m fun at parties

      It’s your lucky day, people, you get to find out ten things about me, lol. 

      1. What is your best childhood memory?

      I just thought long and hard about this and I don’t have one. Or if I do, I don’t remember it. I tend to remember bad things. If you asked me what my worst memory is, I’d be able to tell you immediately. 

      I’m fun at parties. 

      My best adult memory is seeing Backstreet Boys and New Kids On The Block. NKOTBSB, forever, baby! 

      2. If you had a chance for a “do-over” in life, what would you do differently?

      I would go back and never watch Supernatural. I feel like that show turned me into an alien for five years. I’d also try and be more… confident and put my foot down over certain things. When people make your decisions for you, there’s a lot of shit you want to to do-over.

      I’d also go back and go and see Billy Talent play live before I realised that crowds and I don’t get along. At all. 

      And I’d end some friendships a lot earlier than I did, ’cause life is too short for all of the mental gymnastics I’ve done over certain people. I would eradicate all of the dilly dallying and just hit them with the silent treatment forever. 

      I would also go back and do over every single phone purchase I’ve made. I’m always buying obscure phones that I spend half of my time fixing. It’s good because I learn stuff, but damn, Gina, I just need things to work. That’s it. I need them to function as described. 

      3. How do you spend your free time?

      Reading about current affairs, man. I’m always reading the news or Wikipedia articles. I’m boring but I’d be a kick ass partner during trivia night. Also, add blogging and observing a semi semi-famous person, writing and keeping up with sports to that list. Like I said, boring

      4. What are you most afraid of?

      I could jokingly answer this with bugs. Or I could be serious and say being left alone. I don’t mind being alone, but to be alone forever is a scary thought. That’s too much time to think or impulse buy chocolate. I need a sidekick of some sort so that we could impulse buy other shit. Lol. 

      5. What was your most embarrassing moment?

      I have several. Too many to mention. The most embarrassing is probably the time I walked into a glass door when in pursuit of this guy. I may or may not have been following him and he was aware and running towards freedom. My social cues were nonexistent then, so I followed an thwack

      Apparently you have to open doors first, even if they’re see-through. 

      Certainly got his attention that day. 

      6. What do you think about when you’re by yourself?

      Absolute rubbish. Nonsense. Sometimes I cast my self in Daydream Motion Pictures and pretend that I’m somewhere else. Usually I’m obsessing over any interaction I’ve had in the past hour. Or week. My brain is a scary place at times. 

      7. Did you ever write a journal?

      This is my current one

      All the time. When I was younger I was known for being the girl who was always writing in books, lol. I used to let people read my ramblings as well. Kinda like a real time blog with IRL likes. I’ve always been ahead of my time, people. 

      8. Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

      Introvert. Talking exhausts me. I then replay conversations thousands of times and convince myself that whatever I said was stupid. I don’t do well with people that I don’t know. Eye contact is… You’re lucky if you get it from me. Phone calls? Not likely. Hanging out? In person? Probably not in this life time, bud, sorry. I think being an introvert is like having an allergic reaction to people. 

      9. What’s the one thing you would like to change about yourself?

      See number 8. A confidence transplant would be nice, lol. 

      10. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

      Finally, an easy question! 

      Right now I’m watching Hit The Floor again. I have a LONG post coming up for it on the other blog. This crazy ass show cracks me up.

      I’m also sort of watching House and The Wire but I am struggling at the moment in terms of paying attention to things so I’ve put them on pause.

      ~

      That’s all for now. Like I said, I’m fun at parties! LOL!