Bitchin', Life, Social Media

Hiding away from the world

You know, I used to be that girl who talked to everyone all the time, everywhere before I got burned out. I was trying to be too many things to too many people and in the end, I ran. I ran like someone just told me that they’d seen stacks of cash in the near distance. 

I felt like I was a magnet, constantly attracting non-magnetic objects. I was friends with people, but they weren’t friends with me. I was always there for people, but they were never there for me. I was the shoulder to cry on, but all I got was elbows to the face. 

After that, the best decision was to get the fuck away. Anyone who wanted to talk to me would find a way. 

Boy, were my eyes opened.

My newfound solitude was lonely at first, but eventually, I got used to it and here I am.

Occasionally, I fall into the habit. I disappear and when I emerge I realise that so much has happened. Life changes so quickly and these days, you’ve got social media to help you keep up but on those days when I’m like fuck this there is no social media, no news, no nothing. Quite what I do on those days is a mystery to me. It’s like a vacuum in my mind where everything vanishes and I wake up three days later and I’m like, damn, where did the time go. 

I think a lot of this is down to how much we are encouraged to share about ourselves. I used to be that girl that shared every single damn thought in my head. I was an open book until I realised that the more you share of yourself, the less you have to yourself. If that makes sense. 

However, I often find myself looking at my life and I’m like, my gosh I’m boring. Eventually, I ask myself relative to who? We don’t tell people about the mundane shit we do. Like shopping, eating, drinking. Oh, wait, we do. Apparently that’s the interesting part. 

Not for me.

Even with that in mind I still find myself comparing myself to other people. That person looks so put together and I look like shit. I went to school with her and she’s got her life together while I can barely dredge up an ounce of motivation. She’s really pretty and I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backward. He’s got tons of money and I struggle to buy food.

It’s hard not to look anywhere and find some kind of way in which you’re a failure. 

Most days, I can deal with that. Life isn’t supposed to be easy. If it was it would be legal to sucker punch the next asshole who shoves past me at the train station. 

Most days, I roll my eyes and tell myself that a picture doesn’t mean shit. An article is just a snapshot. Everything is just a tiny piece of a complicated puzzle. 

Some days, though, I have to jump ship before I can drown. You know those days when a stupid picture of a Starbucks cup has you think I can’t remember the last place I even went anyway and suddenly I’m wasting my life, I’m not worthwhile, I don’t do anything for anyone, blah, blah, blah. Some days I have to avoid that and I just disappear. 

I can’t tell you what I do on those days because time tends to fly by without stopping long enough for me to take a breath. 

I haven’t worked out if that’s a good or bad thing. 

Awkward Situations, Bitchin'

Dear Former Friend…

Dear Former Friend,

Or rather, what’s up bitch?

Yeah, it’s kind of like that. It’s been over a year since we first got into an argument over something that actually matters for once.

It’s been over a year since we more or less stopped speaking.

That’s a shame.

No, really, it is. I still think you’re an idiot for saying what you did. I think you’re ignorant, self-centred and too lazy to look up basic information. I think you’re naive, misinformed and not interested in changing that about yourself.

These are the reasons why I stopped talking to you.

I suppose I expected you to re-evaluate yourself and actually get back to me. I expected you to Google your shit.

It’s safe to say that I expected too much.

Anyway, our friendship is done and I guess I’m okay with it.

I still have various reminders of you, the gifts you sent, the way I always kept the packaging and how I randomly found your address within my stuff the other day.

I still have one more gift that I never sent to you, but I have no idea where it is.

Much like you, it’s vanished without a trace.

And I can’t say that I didn’t try. I gave you the perfect opening to try and amend things but clearly you’re not interested.

That means that I’m not interested.

I’m sorry for not being the kind of friend that doesn’t call you out on your shit, but not sorry for calling you out.

Hopefully you’ve learnt how to think before you speak.

Lots of love lost,

Me.

P.S. I found the gift. It’s probably going to go to someone else. Too bad.

~

Damn, y’all. It’s been quiet here too. Usually I’m chatty on one blog or the other. I guess I’ll update you all soon. I have a whole bunch of things saved – so I was writing but not posting. Weird but not weird at the same time. Lol!

More later!

Bitchin', Random Thoughts

I’m happy that you haven’t accidentally killed your cat| Random Thoughts #24

You know how sometimes you know something is bad for you but you do it anyway? That’s me with Instagram. Like I’ve said many times, my Insta is dead. Some old grandpa followed and unfollowed me. That’s how dead it is. 
I was flicking through it today and I had an interesting thought. 

This is making me feel bad 

It’s not even that people don’t like my pictures or anything like that, it’s just weird. People I used to speak to more or less ignore me when I try to be nice. By people I mean two of them, but whatever. What the fuck is this? High school? Imma unfollow them later. I’m petty like that.

Anyway, it kind of feels like I’m in the middle of the desert screaming at people. Snark doesn’t work well on Instagram, it really doesn’t. At least not my snark. I’m just writing witty comments for the sake of it. 

I kind of hate it all. 

There’s Bob and his picture perfect life but that’s just funny to me because of the random nonsense on his stories. Perfect pictures and complete and utter secondhand embarrassment in the stories. It’s like constant entertainment when I have time to watch it. I haven’t for about a week now due to some drama and a crazy week but I think that’s for the best. He was the reason I rejoined in the first place. Yes, it’s true. I wanted to like his pictures or comment with, “Dude, what are you doing?” and I have the app on my phone anyway, so I was like, ‘why not?’

I was laughing at peach yogurt yesterday, guys. It was sad. That’s also why not. 

Anyway, I don’t have a problem with Bob really, or any celebrities and whatever they choose to post. I expect fake bullshit from them. 
So I guess it’s normal people who irk me the most. 

There’s no real effort to communicate on there, or too educate or inspire or even entertain. It’s just me me me me food food me me me me ooh, click on heart! 

Nah, son, it’s cool. I’m not a robot. You’re not that interesting. Literally. I know what you look like already. I’m happy that you eat food. I’m happy that you haven’t accidentally killed your cat. I’m even happier that you’re so fucking happy. 

I’ve found that looking at tags is the best way to use Instagram but only when I’m bored or so. I have a ton of drafts saved that I’ll drag out over the course of year, but other than that, I am still not feeling it.

I was on Facebook recently to reply a comment and honestly, my presence on Facebook is like when you step into a room and it goes silent and you vow never to do it again. That’s me. I sign on and immediately regret it. 

I learnt a long time ago and that I’m not the kind of person who can deal with certain types social media in a healthy way, so I avoid it.

However, sometimes it’s hard when you feel like you’re disconnected from the world. 

Although, it kind of feels like that on social media anyway. 

I don’t know who these shiny, pretty, filtered people are. Not really. They’re snapshots of falsehood and who has time for that? 

Not me! 

I’m gonna go back to definitely not mocking Bob for snark purposes (his captions make my head hurt) and just ignore everyone else. 

ETA: Bob ended up being cancelled this week. I wasn’t really sure why until I wrote this gem in my journal:

I think the world needs their weekly shirtless Bob update to make them feel bad about their chubby selves. 

Ouch. 

Why so glum, chum? Lol, I’m not sure what Bob did to me. Poor Bob. He had a live thing going yesterday and I was tempted to click on it but live video is another thing that creeps me out. I’m not even going to go into it. 

Anyway, that’s all on this topic. 

Every time I have time off I find myself messing around on social media but honestly, I’m gonna try and waste my time on other things. I’m too lazy to take and post perfect selfies. Especially on my days off when I look like Cousin Itt with a purple bandana on. 

peace

Bitchin', writing

stay in your lane

Hello, people. I am here to snark, rant, consciously uncouple my feelings, whatever you want to call it. 

Let’s just say that this post is about writing about bees. 

Writing about bees is common, people reading it is even more common. I could write two thousand words about bees and I’m sure everyone would love it. Bees are everywhere and anywhere and people naturally gravitate towards it. It’s popular with everybody. 
Everyone but me. 

See, I am not a trend follower. If I was, maybe I would have been a popular writer but I like to be different. I like to write what I would like to read. 

Continue reading “stay in your lane”

Bitchin', Life

things could get dangerous

I’m bored. Things could get dangerous.

This ain’t even random thoughts, man. It’s boredom thoughts. 

I am so fuuuucking bored. 

Nothing is piercing the boredom right now. It’s just there. Always lurking and waiting to drag me into spending four hours editing a story that’s as good as it’s going to get or rewatching Hit The Floor. 

Continue reading “things could get dangerous”

Awkward Situations, Bitchin', Life

Don’t think that you’re so great (1)

Today, or well yesterday and today because I am well versed in dysfunctionality, has been interesting.

I tried to stand up for myself.

In my life, that’s a rare occurrence.

I panicked over it, thought about it constantly, but I did it and once again, I’m faced with the repercussions. 

Continue reading “Don’t think that you’re so great (1)”

Bitchin', Life

Give Me A Sign (#SOCS)

Forever – and ever
the scars will remain

I always like to think that I’m this closed book, but lately I’ve figured out that I’m not. I’m sort of the goofy, quirky, hapless girl who’s always laughing. However, I’m not always laughing on the inside. I’m barely laughing on the inside. In fact most of the time I’m in a constant state of despair on the inside.

Usually, when I’m in a downward spiral, I get the usual signs. Increased blogging. Check. Lack of constant writing. Check. Low motivation. Check. Low mood. Check. Fatigue. Check. Procrastination. Double check. Fixation (some of y’all can attest to this one). In some ways, the signs make it easy for to figure out why I feel the way I do, but in another sense, it’s bullshit.

By the time I’ve overcome that, I say to myself, let’s take time to just be. Less sad, of tired, whatever. By the time I’ve done that, the cycle starts all over again. 

Anyway, I think all of this kind of bleeds out in my personality. The snark, the cynicism, the sarcasm, dry wit, the fact that I turn everything into a joke. I am probably the epitome of old man yells at cloud, but it’s how I deal.

Anyway, if there was a sign I’d use to represent myself, it’s the caution sign.

For several reasons.

  1. Not everyone can handle my sense of humour. Often, I’m being facetious when I speak but maybe it’s too deadpan. People take offence and it doesn’t end well.
  2. I’m an idiot (no really I am) and thus makes me annoying at times.
  3. It’s unlikely that you’ll ever fully know the real me.

To expand on three, I’m at the point where I’m not going to tell certain people candid details about my life. If that makes me fake or whatever, so be it. Often people who seek this knowledge don’t have your best interests at heart. They store it and use it whenever they want to get one over you. Suddenly, that insecurity you shared is being used to make you feel even more insecure and it works. That kind of thing stays with you, or it’s stayed with me.

Like the lyrics at the start of the post state, forever and ever, the scars will remain, but, you know what? Fuck anyone who isn’t happy with the way I am.

Unfortunately for them, I’m non-refundable and I don’t do exchanges. 😎

~

This is my entry for this weeks #SOCS, details of which can be found here!

Lyrics are from Give Me A Sign by Breaking Benjamin. It’s worth a listen if you haven’t heard it already!