Angry Thoughts

i’m like a slow cooker | Angry Thoughts #1

Yes, I’m doing angry thoughts now because there’s so much in this world that irritates me. 
I am like a slow cooker. My anger simmers beneath the surface until it grows and in some rare cases, boils over. 

Eventually, I calm down. 

This week, the two managers at work are the two that I truly cannot stand. 

This meant that my anger blew up on Monday. Ding ding ding.

We have Squeaky who thinks it’s appropriate to call my name every five minutes to tell me to do the same thing. It’s to the point where I get random people saying ‘oh, so you’re snark, I always hear your name!’. I don’t like to be known like that. In an ideal world I’d get on with my work on peace. Squeaky finally got on my last nerves on Monday. It was bordering on harassment. I was so angry by the end of the shift that I was visibly agitated. Now, I was already annoyed before I go there, but still. 

I’m kind of weird in that if you’re on my bad side you get nothing from me. I’m serious. No smile, no conversation, just silence. The idea is that they get the hint and leave me the fuck alone. I guess that’s hard to do at work but I don’t give a fuck. I am not talking to you. Go. Away. Stop pestering me. Let me get on with the work. Stop calling me repeatedly. I’m not a dog. I think Squeaky has detected my disdain for them. I’d like to think that they have good observational skills, but you never know. Maybe they’re the idiot that I think they are. 

I will be ignoring them until I leave this job. 

Now onto the other manager, Damp Squib. DS was really nice when I first started. He let you get on with it and I always did a good job. That all changed a few months ago. He would get agitated and panicked and then pass that onto us. Still, he was okay. 
Until he wasn’t. 

I am probably an easy target. I don’t say much, I do whatever I’m asked and I’m not a favourite. They can all pick on me with no problem. DS is always on my case. I finally reached my limit last Friday when he was like, “I’m giving you two options – the hard way or the easy way’

Excuse me? Im not your child. 

Fuck you and your options. 

Like I said, I’m quiet and I don’t really speak to managers. Not because I’m uppity, but because I’m not stupid. The managers do the most gossiping. They and the fucking staff members who kiss ass and make friends with them. 

I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to make money.

To go back to Squeaky, there was an awkward situation where they were more or less laughing at me along with someone else. I can’t prove it, but I’m 99% sure. I’m not mad over it, but since then I’ve paid Squeaky dust. Whenever they try to speak to me I just look on blankly. Squeaky doesn’t care, which works well for me. 

Damp Squib on the other hand… he tried to smile at me and I just walked past him like I didn’t see. I don’t think so, buddy. I’m not wasting my energy fake smiling at you. He also asked me for a favour (very rudely) and then tried to thank me after. I was just like, whatever. I don’t have time for him. The first, second, third time, I let it go. After that, no. I don’t think so. 

I am so done with all of them. If I didn’t need money, I’d just never turn up again. I have never encountered such a situation where I feel like I’m being treated like an animal. I think animals are treated better than we are. 

Our new HBIC has installed a ‘no talking’ policy, just so we know that he’s a dick, I guess. Noted. Fuck you too, I’m not going to say a word to any of you. I am not doing you favours. I am not smiling at you. If I didn’t need my vacation time approved, I’d never voluntarily speak to any of them again. 

They can all fuck off. 

In the meantime, I’m gonna go dust of my resume. 

It’s time to escape this hell. 

snark, out (hopefully soon!)

Awkward Situations, Life

the worst part about crying

I have a new category called Angry Thoughts. It was just a matter of time. First post will be on its way. Random Thoughts is emptyyyy. I’ve been saving Bob’s stories to watch them over the weekend. Luckily, I’ve either missed some or he’s been quiet. Which is good because I think he was running out of things to post. 

Onto the worst part about crying. 

For me it’s not the act itself, but what comes with it and how it comes. 

  • Raging headache

Need I say more?

  • Puffy red eyes 

We can’t all cry prettily like they do on TV.

  • Cuts under my nose

Usually from toilet paper (damn, does it hurt!). I had to rub Vaseline on it. 

  • Crying in public

It was ridiculous and I’m not sure what happened. I started having these chest pains and I was like, ‘I DON’T NEED THIS’ because my heart was pounding really fast and I’m pretty sure my feet were swollen and I have something wrong with my leg and just, I think it was probably a panic attack. 

I know exactly why I had one, but it was awful. The worst part is that I walked past several people and they didn’t even notice. I’m invisible. Tell me something I don’t know. Eventually someone did spot that I was upset and they spoke to me and helped me calm down. That was super nice of them and I’m very grateful. 

I also spoke to my friend about it and she was helpful. I’m so used to bottling every thing up all the time that I was so discombobulated and all over the place. I work really hard at controlling my outer appearance, if you like. I’ve been told by so many people that I’m hard to read or I’m “so quiet” and that’s for a reason. If I think you’re worth talking to, then that’s it. We’re cool. If I don’t, I won’t say a word to you. Life is too short to waste energy on people who don’t deserve it. 

To cut a long story short, I woke up the next day and I was like fuck this and I blasted out New Kids On The Block while I was in the shower. It helped a lot. Boybands are my therapy. Lol!

Bitchin', Life, Social Media

Hiding away from the world

You know, I used to be that girl who talked to everyone all the time, everywhere before I got burned out. I was trying to be too many things to too many people and in the end, I ran. I ran like someone just told me that they’d seen stacks of cash in the near distance. 

I felt like I was a magnet, constantly attracting non-magnetic objects. I was friends with people, but they weren’t friends with me. I was always there for people, but they were never there for me. I was the shoulder to cry on, but all I got was elbows to the face. 

After that, the best decision was to get the fuck away. Anyone who wanted to talk to me would find a way. 

Boy, were my eyes opened.

My newfound solitude was lonely at first, but eventually, I got used to it and here I am.

Occasionally, I fall into the habit. I disappear and when I emerge I realise that so much has happened. Life changes so quickly and these days, you’ve got social media to help you keep up but on those days when I’m like fuck this there is no social media, no news, no nothing. Quite what I do on those days is a mystery to me. It’s like a vacuum in my mind where everything vanishes and I wake up three days later and I’m like, damn, where did the time go. 

I think a lot of this is down to how much we are encouraged to share about ourselves. I used to be that girl that shared every single damn thought in my head. I was an open book until I realised that the more you share of yourself, the less you have to yourself. If that makes sense. 

However, I often find myself looking at my life and I’m like, my gosh I’m boring. Eventually, I ask myself relative to who? We don’t tell people about the mundane shit we do. Like shopping, eating, drinking. Oh, wait, we do. Apparently that’s the interesting part. 

Not for me.

Even with that in mind I still find myself comparing myself to other people. That person looks so put together and I look like shit. I went to school with her and she’s got her life together while I can barely dredge up an ounce of motivation. She’s really pretty and I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backward. He’s got tons of money and I struggle to buy food.

It’s hard not to look anywhere and find some kind of way in which you’re a failure. 

Most days, I can deal with that. Life isn’t supposed to be easy. If it was it would be legal to sucker punch the next asshole who shoves past me at the train station. 

Most days, I roll my eyes and tell myself that a picture doesn’t mean shit. An article is just a snapshot. Everything is just a tiny piece of a complicated puzzle. 

Some days, though, I have to jump ship before I can drown. You know those days when a stupid picture of a Starbucks cup has you think I can’t remember the last place I even went anyway and suddenly I’m wasting my life, I’m not worthwhile, I don’t do anything for anyone, blah, blah, blah. Some days I have to avoid that and I just disappear. 

I can’t tell you what I do on those days because time tends to fly by without stopping long enough for me to take a breath. 

I haven’t worked out if that’s a good or bad thing. 

Awkward Situations, Random Thoughts

shut up and drink your tea | Random Thoughts #27

Our first (not so random) thought is:

He has problems

Obviously this was my response to Bob this week. He posted some clip from movie with Jason Isaacs, who had some kind of drill attached to some dude’s mouth and I don’t even know. There was blood involved and I had to turn my phone away. I guess it was a horror movie [looked it up, it was A Cure For Wellness] of some sort.

In the next clip, Bob is sarcastically (at least that’s how I took it) saying that the movie had ‘fucking amazing cinematography’ and that he hoped we enjoyed that. I had to turn my phone away, bro. Fuck you. I seemed to move on though, because next he had a picture of his shoes which were cool. I would screenshot them, but yeah, Bob shall remain anonymous. Sort of anonymous. I would feel bad if he ever knew that I have dedicated multiple posts to mocking him. LOL. 

It would be hilarious, though. I’m mean that way. 😝

That bird is definitely about to poop on someone

This bird flew over me and made a nose that souned like an evil cackle. I kid you not. I was just laughing to myself. It sounded way too pleased with itself. I could just tell it was about to wreak havoc on someone. I’m glad that it wasn’t me. 

Pain, pain, go away

Everything hurts. Legs. Back. Arms. Wrists. Everything. I think it’s a result of going back to work after nine days off (woo!). This is how I used to feel the day after PE class but ten times worse. I’m guessing I have muscle sprains and strains. I am finally taking meds for it. Last week Aunt Flo was in town and I don’t like taking medication for that. This week… bleh. I need a new job. 

What the fuck do I do with it?

I have no idea what this thought was about but I’m sure I ask this question at least ten times a day. 

Obviously you do care!

Bob again. I was waiting for the kettle to boil so I checked out his story. 

Bob started off by saying that this is what his mornings look like. There was some serious bedhead, but the artfully tousled kind and not my kind where my hair is a bush and there’s crust on my eyes (but, hey, I’m sexy too! Just ask my postman). Anyway, after that he drinks his tea and he says that during this time he likes to look at his Instafeed. Okaaaay.

What he said next had me like….

He goes into this rant about how he has noticed that companies and certain people buy likes and followers which is stupid and wrong. He says that companies would probably deny it if asked but ‘he doesn’t care’ it’s up to them to do what they want. And THEN, he was like ‘it’s kind of narcissistic. It’s narcissism.’

I was LAUGHING SO HARD. 

Bob, you’re straight done. 

1. Huge difference between narcissism and deception. Buying followers and likes isn’t narcissism, it’s just dishonest and designed to deceive. 

2. Bob, brother, if we’re talking about actual narcissism, you’re part of the problem. Every picture on your feed is of YOURSELF! 

3. Shut up and drink your tea, Bob.

Anyway, I guess halfway through he decided to ‘act’ and jokingly tell someone to shut the fuck up because his story is way more important than theirs. By that point, I was convinced that the whole thing was some kind of spoof. I’m still not sure that I didn’t imagine it all. 

Either way, thanks for the laugh, Bob!

His cute friend made an appearance today…He was doing ‘curls for the girls’ as Bob put it. I think I’d probably punch Bob in the face if we were friends. I was contemplating following him [Bob’s cute friend], but I got thinking about how much room for stupidity I have left in my life. Work takes up most of the quota. Bob takes up a fair amount also. Hard pass. 

Also, they were at the gym which really annoys me. Part of why I’m too afraid (okay, so maybe I’m lazy) to go to the gym is all of this Snapchat and live video nonsense. Is nothing and nowhere sacred anymore?? I ended up in a Twitter video today, smh. Nothing special but still. Can you not?

Complete and utter madness

Everyone at my job is incompetent bar a few people. That’s all. 

I’m officially doing too much

Can someone PLEASE schedule my Bob intervention? Some of the bullshit he posts just makes my head hurt. I’ve also figured out how to save people’s stories (why? Every second I miss from Bob is a blessing!). 

I need help, guys. Please help me. 

Awkward Situations, Life

Gone Dark

Written on 4th July

Random Thoughts has gone dark. As of writing, my internet is DOWN!

It’s a travesty.

Anyway, I’m back at work this week and Aunt Flo literally came to town as I arrived. She made her presence known. I’m talking full blown cramps that would have me rolling on the floor if I hadn’t been dealing with this nonsense since I was a young’un. It’s funny because every time Aunt Flo comes along it’s like I’m doing this shit for the first time. The level of irritation and horror is always different. It’s never the same. It’s like being visited by a genuine family member who’s always in some kind of trouble. 

However, this visit was a lot more stable than the last two.

Or three? As far back as April. Whenever I started going on about Bob (model/actor/writer/narcissist/rampantly shirtless/terrible caption writer/provider of secondhand embarrassment that I follow on Instagram). My whole Bob fixation/obsession/casual observation began at the beginning of that period (no pun intended) so we can blame that on Aunt Flo.

At the time, it was more feeling low and depressed than anything else but I didn’t realise what was in store. Nine weeks of horror. I get that this is TMI, but who else am I going to tell this to? My diary? Actually. That might be better but I’ve started it now.

Anyway, I will admit that I’m not one of those girls who keeps track with Aunt Flo. I’ve never gotten into the habit of writing it down because usually, I knew she was coming when I felt the sharp, stabbing cramps. That system worked very well until last year.

Last year Aunt Flo went crazy. Now, she was already crazy, but I didn’t realise how bad it was until I was living away from home and I didn’t need to do anything for anyone but myself. Oh, boy. I’m talking fatigue, not being able to function, cramps, just all around uselessness. The worst thing was that this usually came after Aunt Flo packed her bags. So, I would have one week to anticipate her arrival, three days of her wonderful company and then one week of feeling like I’d been hit by a truck, one week of recovering and then…Aunt Flo would be back! It was like being strapped to a rollercoaster. 

I put that down to stress because three weeks between her visits is not enough time. Like. Seriously. No. Never. I need a 28 day cycle please. 

Anyway, going back to this April, the same shit happened again. I had three visits in about two months (just over – nine weeks). It was horrendous. I reached a point where I was just tired. I’d wake up tired. Go to bed tired. Wake up tired. Go to bed tired. Everything tired. Around the same time, I ended up with a ganglion on my wrist and some other issue in my other wrist and I couldn’t lean on them. I could barely type but I did anyway, because what else was I going to do? Sit here and feel sorry for myself? Nah.

The pain is on and off now in my wrist. I’m not sure what really triggers it (I’m lying – everything does). I have worn some form of brace on a near enough daily basis since it became very bad and that seems to be helping. 

So, yeah. If I hadn’t taken a week off work, I have no idea how I’d be feeling now. I am not looking forward to next week*. Something has got to give.

For now, I’m looking into taking vitamins and supplements – I definitely think my iron is low after all of that. Hopefully, I can get a regular routine and slowly return back to the land of the living because the last thing any of us needs is Bob 2.0.

That would be the real travesty. 

(*The following week was awful as predicted. God help me.)

Life, Random Thoughts

an overly self-conscious clown | Random Thoughts #26 (Jul 3rd – 9th)

I wore bright purple lipstick on Monday. Bright red lipstick on Tuesday. Glittery lilac eyeliner on Monday, black eyeliner on Tuesday. Black mascara on both days. After a week of not wearing make up it feels weird. I feel like some kind of overly self-conscious clown. Maybe I need subtle make up now. Dark eyeliner, dark lipstick. Or just lipgloss and nothing else. Why do I need make up at all? It’s so hot at work that I’m convinced it just melts off anyway. However, I see too many people for me to feel comfortable without doing anything to my face.

You know how it is. 

You wear make up and you get you look nice today. 

You don’t wear make up and you get you look tired.

I try to throw on eyeliner and lipstick to avoid those comments. 

Sometimes I still get them. 

Most of the time I just feel really weird. Like people are looking at me and judging my poor application skills. 

Left alone to me, I wouldn’t bother with any of it. Don’t get me wrong, I like make up, but it isn’t my life. I don’t need three coats of war paint to step outside. Although, sometimes I find myself doing that just to buy food and I look at myself and I think, ‘Gurl, what the fuck are you doing? This is a waste of perfectly good make up. And time.’

I waste twenty minutes putting it on when it takes less time to get to the shop. I could be on my way already. Where’s the logic? Yet, I keep doing it. At least it’s summer now so I can hide behind sunglasses. 

I’ve accepted that I have a sort of weird look in that I look sort of… uh, young. I have a very youthful face. I am not pretty or anything like that, but I’m not hideous. I don’t take great pictures but I think I look better in real life, lol. It’s either that or I wrap my face in gauze, so just go with it. 

However, I feel like make up on me looks like when a kid finds their mother’s make up and goes crazy. I look like I’ve been experimenting with that and I just happened to leave the house like that. My eyebrows are messed up. My eyeliner is wonky. My lipstick is always running off my face. I’m everything that one of those contour videos on YouTube isn’t. 

Messy, imperfect, flawed. 

Oily combination skin just makes everything worse. I always end up with panda eyes. I feel like it all sweats off me until I get home and it won’t come off. I’ll use cleaner, toner, coconut oil but nothing removes make up like sleep does. 

Say a prayer for my poor pillow. 

Anyway, all of that aside….

I got a notification for a live thing on Instagram and it was from the Backstreet Boys. I’ve watched some of their stories and it’s literally the same thing everyday. With that in mind, I clicked on it and it was basically some kind of weird after party thing? I have no idea what it was but they were playing THE SAME SONGS that pop up on their stories. All very annoying songs. It must be Top 40 kinda music because I hate all of it. I watched it for about five minutes before my sanity restored itself and I clicked out of it.

Contrast that to my Canadian husbands who posted a soundcheck to their story. A sound check that was mostly of the backstage area. It wasn’t flashy, it wasn’t even that long but it was perfect because it was just so normal. 

You’ll be pleased to note that I haven’t been on Instagram for a few days, though. Occasionally it happens! I wonder what Bob is up to. Probably adding to his shirtless picture collection on Dropbox or wherever he keeps them. Y’all know there’s a folder somewhere. I can’t be bothered to look. I’m trying to keep my Instagram use to weekend only. I’ll miss seeing Bob’s mundanity, but it’s for the best. 

Plus, I’m so behind on everything anyway because my internet was down for a full twelve hours. Shocking. I managed to write a whole Random Thoughts post in one sitting. Kind of like this one, but not this one. Lol! 

Or not because this is me adding more. I clicked on Bob’s thing out of frustration (just go with it) and it was him practising in an empty room again. I had the video on mute but I’m sure he said that he was ‘back at it’. 

Bob. I fully respect your right to post whatever mundane shit you want to. I even sort of respect your fondness of your own shirtlessness. What I don’t respect is you posting the same fucking shit over and over and over. At least change the angles. Throw some glitter everywhere. Or you know, go about your day without needing to inform Insta that you’re doing something. 

Although, I guess I can’t talk because I have a blog full of nonsense but still I need Bob to just focus on being pretty. And maybe he could hang out with his cute friend more. That’s it. All of the extra is unnecessary. 

This post spans my entire weekend because I checked out a few stories. I clicked on Kevin Richardson’s and it was looooooooong. I had to click out of it after a minute. I looked at Bob’s and it was surprisingly dead. I just realised that he’s barely posted all week. This is good for me because it means that I’ve barely been on Insta. I forgive Bob for his earlier snafu. Well. Not really. 

Moving on, I posted a story (fiction, not Insta) this week that was terrible but people liked it and I basically hid under a rock. I hate compliments. I have a post on that somewhere. Yeah. 

So. I have no idea when I’m going to post this, but it’s a new week so I shall create a new Random Thoughts post. 

Love and peace, people. 

ETA: finally posting it!

Awkward Situations, Life

Girl, can you shut up

Hello, snarklings!

You know I didn’t realise that I’d taken a blogging break until over the weekend? Sometimes I get lost in my own head and don’t realise it, but I’m back! 

Last week was relatively uneventful but this happened…


I was on my way home when I sort of crossed the road in a dodgy manner. I noticed these two guys stumbling outside of park and I was like, let me try and walk past unnoticed. 
Didn’t work. 

They gestured for me to take my headphones out (sigh…), asked me if I was alright (sigh…), asked me where I was from (sigh…). Tried to make me guess where one of them was from (final answer was ‘question mark’). 

This was all after midnight, so I’m tired, have a headache and want to go home. I’m hoping that they will go in one direction while I go in mine. 

My hope was unfulfilled. 

They say that they’ll walk me home because it’s late (oh, thank you? Where were they when I was walking home an hour later every day way back in December?).

Anyway, we start walking and one guy, the chatty one, asks me a lot of questions. The other one is quiet…bizarrely enough, he wanted my number but didn’t give me his when I said that I’d take it instead, but his friend gave me his number – but not his name? He told me to save it as Jack of Jill so I went with Rando. I think Rando said that the other guy doesn’t have a phone which explains the number malarkey. 

The number he gave me is an extra digit long as well but the upside is that there is someone out there with a picture of young!Arnold Schwarzenegger as their profile photo on WhatsApp and it’s hilarious. I have no idea if it’s one of these guys or not and I didn’t bother to find out.

Back to the story…

Oddly enough, little old quiet me wasn’t quiet for once. Oh, no, I was snarky, chatty, and I actually let them partially walk me home. The usual me would have doubled back and taken a different route just to make sure that they were gone. The usual me would not have said a word. 

However, my aversion to people tends to temporarily malfunction when I’m tired, irritated and have a headache. I was/had all three and talking to these guys actually distracted me from that. I, of course, had a bright yellow bag with me which I’m never taking out again. Clearly it will attract all sorts, lol. 

At one point, they were almost jogging to keep up with me and they continued to try and guess where I worked. The funny guy asked me why I was in a rush. Fam, it’s after midnight and I’m on my way home from work, I’m not really going to be taking my time. I’m not that big of an idiot.

Anyway, me being the introverted social anxiety sufferer that I am, I’ve now replayed it a million times in my head. The running theme of the conversation was where I worked (they would guess, I would say no). That was because I told them I was on my way back from work and also sort of mentioned the area that I worked in before I finally had a brainwave and I was like, girl can you shut up. 

How do I go from saying nothing to blabbing uncontrollably? I don’t babble at strangers. Ever. 

So I played it coy from that point on. It was nice to have someone to partially walk me home and we did have a funny conversation – I asked if they were chilling and they were like LOL NO AT THIS TIME? I just said, ‘well, you both look pretty comfortable that’s why I’m asking [as you stumbled out of the park at this unsociable hour].’ 

Maybe you had to be there, but still, it was interesting. One of them freely admitted that he was high and not making sense and I was just thinking…that explains a lot. 

However, like I said to my friend, I hope I never see them again…

  1. I am probably older than both of them.
  2. …. I’m not sure if approaching a female who’s on her own after midnight is a good thing? Is this a thing that people do outside of club areas? This was a residential area and there was no one else around. 
  3. For my own safety. My friend asked me if I was scared and I genuinely wasn’t. Maybe I should have been? LOL. 

      If you’re wondering why these guys were even interested in me at all, you’re not the only one. I looked absolutely awful.  I wasn’t wearing a single lick of make up. My hair was a mess, my face was greasy because it’s so hot. I was sweaty. I didn’t look hideous but I didn’t look special either. . 

      I guess it was just the perfect day for two strangers to show up and walk me home.