Dealing with anger

I guess this is a serious post, so I will balance it with some snark later on. I just wanted to write a little bit about how I deal with my anger. 

dealing with anger-

I often tell people that I don’t get angry, I get annoyed. What’s the difference? I don’t know, I think it just makes me feel better. If I believe that I’m annoyed, I will be over it in a minutes. Anger stays with me.
There are truly only few people who can make me genuinely angry. Two to be exact. My wonderful parents. I think that’s the norm. Family has a way of pissing you off. The anger is worse because you can’t just cut them off (not with a lot of drama first). 

Friends come and go. If a friend pisses me off, that’s it. We can choose not to be friends anymore. It might suck, but we’ll get over it. Family? Not that easy. Over the years, I’ve come to realise that I have bad coping strategies. In my late teens, I took up eating. To this day, I struggle with my weight. I am never quite comfortable with myself and I tend to have days where I feel like an ugly whale. It helps that I have family to reaffirm my doubts about myself. 

It’s always the people who are supposed to be lifting you up that bring you down. And when the day of reckoning comes, they act surprised when you’re upset. Words hurt, no matter how much we don’t think they do. I think emotional and verbal abuse are worse than physical abuse sometimes. A bruise can heal, but once negativity is in your head, if burrows in and stays there. It doesn’t leave. It might go on vacation, but it doesn’t go anywhere. 

For me, a lot of my esteem issues lie with my parents. They are… interesting people. My dad in particular is not… someone that I would be around if we weren’t related. He makes me so angry all the time that I often don’t know what to do. I’ve had all of the fantasies. Maybe I’m secretly adopted and my real parent are out there. Maybe I’m Kal-Ellie, Superman’s snarky sister who didn’t end up in Kansas. Maybe this is all a dream. 

Unfortunately, it’s reality. 

That’s often what I come down to. I can’t be angry over what I can’t change. It’s maybe not the healthiest way to deal with things. Even in anger, I feel like I’m still being controlled. I am not allowed to be angry. I have to stand there and take whatever is thrown my way because this is the life I was born into. I have to listen to someone calling me stupid, fat and ugly among other colourful (and quite frankly creative) insults. And I can’t get angry. On the bright side – I’m inspiring creativity. What’s there to be mad about? 

Joking aside. 

Anger means that I’m letting them win. I don’t have to accept that what they’re saying is true. Fuck that. However, I know that anger won’t solve anything. Persistence is key. Keeping my head down and trying to focus on bettering myself for myself is key. Listening to whoever it may be – my father, friends, random people – that’s not key. 

When you’re angry, sometimes you have to give yourself a moment. One moment. Vent. Rant. Throw things (not at other people, we don’t need to catch any charges!). After that, you lock it away. Shut it down and reflect. Walk away. Avoid that person. Shut down and refuse to let them provoke you. It’s easier said than done, but I always tell myself that it’s not worth it. Anger is not worth it. 

Sometimes you’ve just got to let it go. 


Eff That Noise (1)

*strong language ahead*

Welcome to Fuck That Noise, in which I am going to rant about everything annoying me in the hopes that I will get over it. I am in a horrible mood and when I’m in a bad mood two things happen – no appetite, no social inhibitions. Mostly because I’m so annoyed that it overrides my ability to even get anxious. 
Anyway, fuck the stupid people at work today. Fuck me for agreeing to work on a Sunday. Fuck the manager who told me that I had to come and then gave me stuff to do that I couldn’t, wouldn’t and didn’t do. Fuck that same manager because he’s a dickhead. Fuck the other idiot who annoyed me. Fuck me again for even showing up. Fuck life because I need this job. 

Fuck everyone who annoyed me today. Fuck whoever decided to move the designated bus stop and made me wait half an hour in the freezing cold. Fuck my train for not running. Fuck that little girl that tried to take something from my pocket. Fuck every single person who brushed against me. I don’t want your stranger germs on me. Ever. 

Fuck the fact that I’m in a bad mood, fuck my wrist for being such a bitch and my arm too and once again fuck work. Fuck that guy who complains all the time but does the same shit. Fuck everything. Fuck cancer because you know, we should always say that. 

Fuck depression, fuck anxiety, fuck mental illness. 

Fuck all of that noise. 

#58 | eff that noise

I just pulled my third all nighter in five day. My body cannot handle much more. To make matters worse, it’s freezing. Still, I will update you on my life. 

Writing is hard

I just wrote a whole article in one sitting. My body is like a pretzel. Probably not the best way to do it, but what choice did I have? I ran out of time. I missed a fiction deadline but that’s less important. I also remembered that I’m supposed to be writing that exchange story. Bruh. I’m working six days this week, so… anyway. I will have to wing it. 

Awkward Manager

Between him and McDoofus, my idiot quota has been exhausted for the year. However, Awkward Manager is slowly growing on me. He’s not that bad. He still stands way too close to me and will not pick up on my please give me some space cues, but I don’t think it’s deliberate. It must be interesting to watch us talk. By interesting, I mean hilariously awkward. I was talking to him yesterday and it was just weird. I feel like people always act surprised when I talk. You can practically see the speech bubble them screaming OH MY GOSH SHE SAID SOMETHING, QUICK, LET’S STARE IN AMAZEMENT. 

Fuck that noise. 

Speaking of Bob…

He appears to be filming something, which is good. He had to bail on an old TV show because of scheduling issues so at least he’s blatantly doing something else. The way some people came for him on the ‘gram and called him selfish was funny as shit but also bad. Get money, Bob. Don’t worry about the haters! 

There was a video of him crossing the road. A zebra crossing to be exact. I feel like he’s humblebragging about being in New York but at that point, who cares? Also he has a different hat for every video. I don’t know why but I like that. I like his hat game. I am really quite the fashion critic in my head. For instance, the clear glasses he wears look weird on him and if they’re not prescription glasses, he should probably burn them. Along with all of his open chested shirts. 

Next up…

He’s back in LA and he is with Friend (formerly Cute Friend). I have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. Something about making two numbers. Is that two grand? A prison gang? A phone number? Drugs? A type of clown manoeuvre? I have no idea. Somebody educate your girl, ’cause I really don’t know. 

That’s basically me half of the time anyway. I keep telling people that I’m just an idiot who is clueless. I think this is why people find me weird but I can’t help it. It’s not that I’m slow, my brain just freezes sometimes. It’s clueless about unequivocal sex invites (random reference bingo complete). I spend most of my time asking myself why I’m such an idiot. Tellingly, I never get an answer back because then I bump into something, get distracted and Bob’s your uncle. 

Back to Bob…he posted some gross picture and received his third comment from me. It was snarky because he needs to put warnings on his pictures. I was on the train and everything. Ick. 

He was also talking to cupcakes. YES. I do that too! I talk to everything. Myself, other people, food, my phone, my shoes, my reflection, the sky. The ground. CUPCAKES! Cupcake fist bump, Bob! 


Sometimes I think that I’m lonely and that having someone would be nice. Other times I’m like fuck that noise. Most of the time I’m in the fuck that noise mindset, but other times… well, let’s just say that I can’t wait for Chris Hemsworth forever. 

Or maybe I can because fuck that noise. 


I get why people do it but make some shit up or something. Fill in the blanks. Anything that will make your posts make sense. Thank you!


I’m angry that I never got to tell my ‘friend’ to go and fuck herself. I’m angry that she’s an idiot, angry that I wasted so much time and money on her. Angry that I’m angry.


Tired of hearing all the scandals. Unfortunately, it peaked at Weinstein. How the fuck are some of these people patting themselves on their back and coming out with sound bites…Harvey is a pig, Kevin Spacey is a pig, Louis CK is a pig, but once again, I can’t shake the feeling that some of these people have found a way to profit from their own and others misfortune. Sigh. Also trial by social media is so inappropriate. Go to the police. Make it official. Go to a fucking newspaper. Your Facebook status is not really the way to go. Just my two cents (I get why people would feel more comfortable posting it online so not knocking them). 


I don’t know why I get this. I think because of social media. My life is one series of boring events. I wake up. I read the news. I drink coffee. I wonder how there are so many stupid fucking idiots on the planet. I go to work. I go to the store. I go home and do the same shit over and over and over. Meanwhile, online, people are wine tasting, going to concerts and actually hanging out with other people. Those are three things I tend to avoid but what if I’m missing out? Wasting my life away? 

Fuck that noise. 

Fantasy Football

Well, I didn’t even look at it this week because the guys I play with were kind of weird with me this week. Or one of them was and I feel like the other one is basically friends with the other guy and not me. So, I’m kind of feeling awkward about it all. I don’t want to pay too much attention so that I can ignore them later on. I don’t have time to feel like so and so has an issue with me so I’m just going to leave it. 

ETA: So far I’m beating them both. HA!


  …is for the weak. I feel like I torture myself needlessly every day. I have no idea why. Sleep, bitch!

Being myself

Too many people are making me feel uncomfortable these days. From Awkward Manager, to the girl at work who needlessly engineered beef with me, to the guy from above. I can’t deal with people and I think all of the interacting I’ve been doing is taking its toll on me. I am just tired of talking to people. 

Avoiding communication allows me to avoid all of these problems. I feel like I am getting way too comfortable and allowing all of this shit. This is how my social anxiety began in the first instance (or got really bad). 

Quiet snark is making a comeback. 

(Fuck that noise.)


the friendship lottery

I believe that life is like a lottery. We play it each week and most of us lose. The minority win and get richer. That’s basically it. 

Friendship follows the same principle. I think if I could think of all of the friends I have that haven’t let me down in some way that I’ve known for over a year, I’d come up with maybe two people. That’s two better than some people but I have some bad luck with friends. I’m playing at scratch card level and still striking out.  Aimlessly playing slots and losing patience as opposed to money. 
There’s my racist friend, my best friends from way back who ditched me without a second thought, my very first best friend, my last best friend and many more. 

I could write a book (hey, another novel idea!) on it but I won’t. Today I have two things I want to comment on. 

There’s my racist friend – okay, well maybe she’s not racist, just dumb as hell. You can see the story somewhere here. I’ve written it up so many times because I’m still shocked and appalled by it all. To this day, she has not actually acknowledged that she crossed the line. She just apologised for not having time to care about people being racially abused. And all of that aside, she had then nerve to drop me. My inbox should be FULL of apologies from her but it’s crickets instead. Black brothers and sisters, if you ever need to do the racism test on your friends, please follow my method. It’s quick and effective. 

And then there are the friends that are like, ‘long time, no talk! Guess we’ve both been busy!’

Excuse me. 

Yes, it’s been a long time, because you haven’t attempted to talk to me in a long time. What the fuck do I look like? A receptionist who makes our weekly scheduled friendship check up? I don’t think so. You’ve got hands, you get in touch with me for once. 

The amount of people out there who think that their friends have all of the time in the world to get in touch with them is astounding. I have been an awful communicator for the past few years or so, but I am aware of that. I don’t expect anyone to keep initiating conversation with me when I’m shaky in responding and I actually feel bad. I don’t sit around wondering why nobody says anything. I know that I’m the problem. 

You know when you’re having a bad day and you just message a friend to tell them. And you don’t even need anything from them, just make a few words of comfort. What I get in response is either silence or redirected. Redirected to them and how much worse their day is. This is why I hardly ever bother. There are maybe two or three people that I know will listen. The rest? 

Some people just don’t care. 

In return, I no longer care about them. 

Guess I won’t be winning that lottery any time soon. 

a day of sheer misery| Angry Thoughts #2

Technically, these aren’t angry thoughts, more this is life thoughts. But someone was angry at me so… It counts?

Birthdays in my family are fucked up. When I was younger, it was more of a fun and friend filled affair, sometimes other family. Life happened and we became this tiny unit cut off from everyone else. Birthdays became a day of sheer misery. I would tell everyone that I hated my birthday and I remember my school friends going out of their way to sing me happy birthday and generally making the first half of the day good. I always held onto that because I knew that what came next would be varied. 

The problem is usually Mia. Mia is…temperamental. It doesn’t matter whose birthday it is, the day usually becomes about Mia. Mia is trying to make it nice. No one helped Mia. No one can do things the way Mia can. Mia was left on their own. Mia was this. Mia was that. Mia is sick. Mia has probably fucked up more birthdays than they realised. 

Today was no different. 

It was Wendy’s (my sister) birthday and I was tasked with getting the cake. Reasonable. 

Unfortunately, I had the day off. I say unfortunately because having time off is just an excuse for people to burden me with more crap. It means that time flies and I can’t do half of what I need to. Whatever. The most important part is that I’m nowhere near work. 

However, when I woke up I was in bad shape. I had cramps and awful back pain. I got up and made myself tea but fell asleep for so long that it was cold. I just felt sick. Still, I dragged myself up and started to get ready. 

Generally, I put my music on and drown out everything when I’m in the bathroom, so I didn’t hear any talking until someone came to tell me that Mia had started complaining about something. Hurricane Mia had come and her target was me. Once again. 

My crime was not going to buy the cake in time. Uh, in time for what? I bought that damn cake and as of 3am the day after it remains uncut. For that crime, I was more or less called arrogant, a bad sister (she said she wished Wendy had a better sister than me), a disappointment, lazy, I was told that I need to go the doctor for medication. 

I laughed it off, because it was my sister’s birthday after all. All I could do was just stand there and take all of the nastiness thrown my way. If an apology comes, I’ll probably do the same thing. There’s no point in wasting energy fighting back when everything is always going to be my fault. I’m blamed for everything and if I talk back, I’m too defensive. I’m too sensitive. I’m self-centred. 

I can’t freaking win. 

I think it’s one thing to feel like a disappointment in life and another to be told that you are one by the people who are supposed to uplift you. Instead, they beat you down and ask why you’re on the floor. They push you and ask why you’re not steady. They force you to do things and play dumb when it all goes wrong. That’s just my life, though. 

Ain’t it grand?