I guess this is a serious post, so I will balance it with some snark later on. I just wanted to write a little bit about how I deal with my anger.
–dealing with anger-
I often tell people that I don’t get angry, I get annoyed. What’s the difference? I don’t know, I think it just makes me feel better. If I believe that I’m annoyed, I will be over it in a minutes. Anger stays with me.
There are truly only few people who can make me genuinely angry. Two to be exact. My wonderful parents. I think that’s the norm. Family has a way of pissing you off. The anger is worse because you can’t just cut them off (not with a lot of drama first).
Friends come and go. If a friend pisses me off, that’s it. We can choose not to be friends anymore. It might suck, but we’ll get over it. Family? Not that easy. Over the years, I’ve come to realise that I have bad coping strategies. In my late teens, I took up eating. To this day, I struggle with my weight. I am never quite comfortable with myself and I tend to have days where I feel like an ugly whale. It helps that I have family to reaffirm my doubts about myself.
It’s always the people who are supposed to be lifting you up that bring you down. And when the day of reckoning comes, they act surprised when you’re upset. Words hurt, no matter how much we don’t think they do. I think emotional and verbal abuse are worse than physical abuse sometimes. A bruise can heal, but once negativity is in your head, if burrows in and stays there. It doesn’t leave. It might go on vacation, but it doesn’t go anywhere.
For me, a lot of my esteem issues lie with my parents. They are… interesting people. My dad in particular is not… someone that I would be around if we weren’t related. He makes me so angry all the time that I often don’t know what to do. I’ve had all of the fantasies. Maybe I’m secretly adopted and my real parent are out there. Maybe I’m Kal-Ellie, Superman’s snarky sister who didn’t end up in Kansas. Maybe this is all a dream.
Unfortunately, it’s reality.
That’s often what I come down to. I can’t be angry over what I can’t change. It’s maybe not the healthiest way to deal with things. Even in anger, I feel like I’m still being controlled. I am not allowed to be angry. I have to stand there and take whatever is thrown my way because this is the life I was born into. I have to listen to someone calling me stupid, fat and ugly among other colourful (and quite frankly creative) insults. And I can’t get angry. On the bright side – I’m inspiring creativity. What’s there to be mad about?
Anger means that I’m letting them win. I don’t have to accept that what they’re saying is true. Fuck that. However, I know that anger won’t solve anything. Persistence is key. Keeping my head down and trying to focus on bettering myself for myself is key. Listening to whoever it may be – my father, friends, random people – that’s not key.
When you’re angry, sometimes you have to give yourself a moment. One moment. Vent. Rant. Throw things (not at other people, we don’t need to catch any charges!). After that, you lock it away. Shut it down and reflect. Walk away. Avoid that person. Shut down and refuse to let them provoke you. It’s easier said than done, but I always tell myself that it’s not worth it. Anger is not worth it.
Sometimes you’ve just got to let it go.