It was around 23:40 and my feet were starting to hurt. Home was maybe a few minutes away and it was either keep going or stop. Keep going to the mad house or sit in the dark and have some peace. I chose the latter and it was so nice. I took some I’ll advised selfies (why?!) and flicked through my phone aimlessly, and eventually I put on my music. I sat there and thought about nothing. I wanted nothing more than to just remain there. It was warm outside, but there was a cool breeze that soothed my frazzled nerves. A few people passed by but it was like I was in my own little world. It was awesome and sort of depressing at the same time. I wonder what I must have looked like.
The lonely girl sitting outside at night doing nothing.
Hopefully, I was invisible. That’s what I was going for.
It hit me earlier that day that I don’t have any peace. There’s always something. Mornings are hectic, afternoons are hectic, evenings are hectic. There’s never any solitude, not even when I’m sleeping because I sure as hell haven’t slept well for a long time now. Someone might call that ironic, but there’s a reason why I’m so tired all the time. I’ve grown tired of saying that I’m tired. It’s not even a physical tiredness but mental tiredness. I wake up each day and I just think, ‘here we fucking go again‘.
The noise. Oh, the noise, and the fact that I feel like a slice of bread just before it pops out of the toaster. Hot and ready to explode. It’s the same shit every day and I am sick of it. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of saying that I’m going to do something and just failing miserably. I’m tired of failing but it’s all I seem to know how to do. There’s always an excuse, and that excuse is almost always tiredness. I’m to tired to go there. I’m too tired to do this. I don’t have the energy. I never have the energy. I’m tired of having to navigate around someone and micromanage every action just to avoid the complaints that will come anyway. I’m tired of wasting what little energy I have on other people who don’t appreciate it.
I’m just fucking tired.
That’s not normal, I don’t think. Not that I aspire to be normal but something is fundamentally wrong when I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t tired and I don’t know what it is. Everything is wrong and I have no idea how to get out of it.
What I do know is that I need to find more moments of peace for myself.