Life

Dear Self…

I can’t seem to shake my awful mood so I’m turning to snark. Self-snark. Random snark. Whatever works. 
First of all:

Fuck that, self, you need to calm down and read the letter below. 

Dear Self,

Today has been a shit week for various reasons, none of which you know. Monday was the beginning. Getting up was hard. Like, just stay in bed and never ever leave it again hard. You know from doing this that this is the best way to make things worse, so you got up. Went to work. Work was shit, but that’s a given anyway. 

Anyway, self, let’s try and focus on the positives. 

Which are…. well, I can’t think of any right now but they must exist. They must. 

Or maybe they don’t. 

Even so, nothing good comes out of feeling like crap, or feeling miserable and I know that people will say, feel how you feel, but we don’t want to do that self. We want to feel better. 

So, take whatever it is that makes you feel better for even a nanosecond and amplify that. Make that rainbow burst into a pot of gold, or something far more realistic like eating a carton of ice cream. Distract yourself, and don’t let this shitty mood get you too down. 

Draw cartoon characters, write. Write, write and write more because that’s what you’re kind of good at. The drawing is hit and miss. You’re too lazy to get better at it, so just stick to what you know. Or don’t. Who cares?

Stay away from social media because let’s be real, it causes enough issues for you without the depressed mood. Just one perfectly fine picture of pasta is enough to have you feeling like a failure for not being able to serve food prettily. 

Once again, fuck that. 

And while we’re at it, I know that you’re mostly joking about being hermit but can you not? We need people to buy us nice gifts and to talk to and stuff. Mostly gifts because buying stuff for yourself? Is only fun when you’ve got the money and we definitely don’t have the money, self. 

So yeah, self, get your shit together and feel shitty but also be thankful for where you are today. Even if people try to put you down, wait for them to turn around and then give them the finger. It’ll make you feel better and that’s what we need. 

Lots of love and teeny bit of irritation,

Your snarky self. 

A to Z Challenge 2017, Awkward Situations

telephone – #AtoZChallenge

I hate phone calls. 

In fact, the last conversation I had with a friend was in December and it was awkward. 

If we’re not related, I don’t want to talk on the phone. I don’t like doing official business on the phone. If there’s no email option, I will avoid it. I hate calling helplines or work. Anywhere. I will hunt down your email the way James Bond hunts down the bad guys. 

I hate voicemail. 

I hate phone calls. 

Why do I hate them? I’m not sure. I remember in the past I’d talk to my friends all of time via phone. But maybe that’s it. When you’re a teenager, the most important call you make is to your parents when you’ve broken your curfew. By the time you reach university age, you’re making more serious phone calls. And by the time I was that age, I was an anxious wreck who could barely talk to people. I spent three years at a place where I never fit in and I didn’t communicate much. So, by the time I left, talking was an issue. Talking with people I didn’t know was a mountain of issues. 

I’m not sure when I realised that I didn’t like phone calls. For one, I’m too quiet on the phone. Mostly because I feel like I’m yelling if I raise my voice. So that leads to people not being able to hear and then I have to repeat myself and it becomes old very fast. It’s exhausting. 

The worst part is the period before the phone call. I will be sweating. Writing my script. Panicking. Trying to compose myself and just getting into such a state that I convince myself that I can’t do it. 

Awful.

It’s almost like I’m worried that people will judge me via the phone, or that I’m going to say something stupid and it’ll forever be in the airwaves. I can’t really explain it because when I eventually man up and make the call it’s fine. The panic melts away and the phone doesn’t erupt into a ball of flames. And then I feel stupid for worrying at all. 

Anxiety is a bitch, y’all. 

Life

I’m a cucumber with anxiety

A friend and I were discussing anxiety this week and I realised that I kind of hate discussing it in public. I always think that people with either think less of me or that I should just shut up because everyone has problems.

But, I am doing the ‘Abandon Your Comfort Zone‘ challenge as listed here. I’m going to share a few things that have been on my mind regarding anxiety.  Continue reading “I’m a cucumber with anxiety”

Life

Floating in jelly

This week was extra dramatic for me. Call it hormones or stress, or whatever but I felt like I was just here but not here. My mind was a million miles away but not far enough. It was what I imagine being trapped in jelly would be like. Still but, y’know, you’re well aware that you’re trapped in jelly. 

I’m kind of horrible to myself when I get in these moods. I can’t sleep. I either don’t eat or eat poorly. I can’t do anything that isn’t nothing because my neck tenses up so tightly that it hurts

Yeah, my arch nemesis is anxiety and stress eczema. It tends to roll around at the same time. All I want to do is cry but also, what the fuck do I need to cry for? I’m not upset. Sure, my friendships are sort of dunzo because I’m bouncing (too much one-sided crap. Your girl is tired). And life is a huge question mark but I’m good. Or maybe I’m just pretending. 

Your guess is as good as mine. 


Response to – Float

Awkward Situations, Life

The calm before the storm

Or rather it’s not. But it is. I’m in a really weird hyperactive mood at the moment.
I’m talkative, I’m bouncy, I’m restless, I’m getting my Type A personality on even though I’m so Type B it hurts. 

I’m anxious. I can’t sleep, I’m barely eating, I’m not even attempting to meet deadlines, I’m just all over the place both physically and mentally. 

That’s probably due to work. I’m doing a lot on my own right now due to the holiday period and I’m just not feeling it. I’m just bored. And my ability to focus has a status that reads Last Seen: last week. I just can’t. I’m like a cow on a roller coaster. All over the place and in one place all at once. 

To feel focused would require energy and I seem to be expelling that at an alarming rate. I have to force myself to keep going.

My brain is just jumping at a million miles a minute and I can barely think. In essence, I need to calm the fuck down. If only because I know what comes next.

The storm. Or PMS. This has leading to PMS blues all over it. I’m not ready for that right now. 

Or any other shade of blue for that matter. 

I just need my brain to get with the program. 


Written in response to  Calm