5 reasons why I fail at being an adult

1. I have no idea how to dress properly

Case in point: I actually left my house with my shirt inside out without realising. 

It was my favourite shirt, which is worrying, you’d think I’d know what it looks like the right way around. I didn’t realise until I was in the supermarket. At first, I was just wondering why there were so many loose threads and then I realised that the print looked all off. I rolled up the hem and the penny dropped. Luckily, I had a hoodie on so I zipped that shit up real quickly. 

Unfortunately, this is a regular occurrence. The number of times I’ve heard that something or other is inside out is uncountable. Clearly, I don’t know how to dress myself. I have no idea why this happens, but I think it’s to do with my admittedly tiny attention span. 

And the fact that I’m an idiot. 

2. I always bump into things that I’ve clearly seen but apparently not processed mentally

There’s this table at my house. You have to sort of go past it and squeeze into this corner to pull the curtains. I do this almost every day. So I know the table is there. Walking past it to get to the curtains, is fine. On the way back, though, I bump into the table. Not even a little nudge, but full on smack into it. I don’t even know why. Probably the attention thing again, which is weird. I also lack spacial awareness so that might be it. 

Outside of the room, I bump into almost everything. Things that I know are there, like suitcases, boxes, anything that can be bumped into. Outside it’s the same thing. I walk into trees, poles, doors, anything that sticks out. 

I’ve also found that other people like to use me as target practice. People love to walk into me or whack my arm, or send my crossbody bag ricocheting into my thigh. I think that has to be the worst thing because if there’s enough force, I feel my back pain. So often you see me just stopping to let people past. I will let an entire mariachi band through if I needed to. 

3. I have the worst luck

My sleeves always get caught on door handles and bannisters. I think that says it all. I’m not talking once or twice but every time I come into contact with a door. For me it’s when one door opens, my arm gets caught and lots of shit happens before it closes. Or the other way around. 

4. I am always losing things

I lose everything. My phone. That M&M that I had in my hand two minutes ago. My mind. Books. Food. Pens. Notebooks. Everything imaginable. I suck. 

5. I still get toothpaste on my shirt regularly. 

I think that says it all really. 


#57 | chocolate stained pillows 

Random Thoughts #57

What a week, man. What a week. I have been slacking with EVERYTHING. Messages. Emails. My daily Harmsworth gifs. Everything. 

Even Bob, but never fear…

It was Halloween this week so I didn’t even bother with Bob McDoofus that day, but I saw enough to see that he had several costumes for several events. Lame. One is bad enough, but two? And he had time to be doing Halloween themed shit. Ugh. His apparent lack of responsibility personally offends me. If I had that kind of free time, I’d be at home in mismatched lounge wear trying to get the chocolate stains off my pillow (hey, never said that I was perfect!). 

Anyway, I got a notification for a live thingy on Instagram. Before that he was watching baseball and apparently it was ‘boring’ and currently 5-0 by the end of the second & he was going to switch it off it got to 10-0 by the end of the third. I have no idea what that means. His team won 5-1 and won the World Series for the first time in their history, though. I’m sure he’s not bored anymore. 

(ETA: So, at 5-0, he was ready to turn it off if they scored five more runs, but winning 5-1 and winning overall has made him emotional… 

I just rolled my eyes and said omg shut up while furiously back clicking. 

I’m trying to think about the last time my team won something. I think my emotion peaked when we scored and not after the end of being bored to tears (and it was a slow game until the end)…I am concerned about Bob, y’all, but I will give him a pass this one time. Sports makes us do weird things sometimes.)

He started off this video (before going live) by saying that a lot of us may not know much about baseball. 


I don’t, but…

Who does he think is following him? LOL, what a weird and unnecessary assumption. We’re not aliens. We know the basics. A bunch of guys wear nice uniforms and whack a ball, run around a diamond shaped line and/or catch it for about three hours or more. Oh. Wait. Maybe it’s because most of his followers are women. Hmm. He could easily have said, ‘for those of you interested in baseball’. Simple. 

Maybe I’m nitpicking, but I thought it was an unnecessary thing to say. If I wanted to understand baseball, I could. I just choose not to because it’s boring. 

Even to Bob, the expert on baseball. 

If it’s so boring that you need to do a live video thing to entertain yourself then turn it off? Watch Real Housewives? Admire your abs? Anything but this dry live chat. I clicked out and in about three times because my phone is stupid and I wanted to see why he was still live. He was basically answering the ‘questions’, which were about as intellectual as you’d expect from the followers of someone who mainly posts pictures of themselves sans shirt. 

Lots of this: 😚👄😘😗💋🤗💏

Lots of: You’re amazing love you daddy (etc.)

And shit like: When are you coming to Brazil? 

Like he’s personally going to come to that person’s house. 

And what perfume do you use? I can answer that! It’s called Narcissism for Men by Luke Attmee

At one point he was like, ‘oh I love compliments, I don’t get enough of those.. ‘ Bob, I know you’re not sassing people for telling you how pretty and wonderful you are. 

ALL YOU DO IS POST PICTURES OF YOURSELF!!! You want and need the compliments. Just be honest with yourself. Self-deprecation only works when you’re genuinely not looking for attention and praise.

Although, in his defense, maybe he wanted some intelligent chat. Full sentences. Less emojis. Less ass kissing. On Instagram. 

I don’t think so, McDoofus. 

Even if anyone wanted to ask him an intellectual question I don’t think it’d go well anyway.

Question: What are your thoughts on evolution, Bob?

Bob: Here’s how I tripled and evolved my two pack into a six pack…

Anyway. That was that. I didn’t ask a question. You know me. I’d have asked him some offensive shit like, how many selfies do you take a day? Or – did you vote for Trump? At this point, we have to start from there. I know that we have to respect people’s political affiliations and whatever else, but Trump? Really? No. 

Also, he still had 219 viewers when I was last looking and I’m sure at least one of them would have time to make my life hell via messages. I chose not to take that chance. 

I didn’t look at his videos much over the rest of the week, but there was some about him fixing up a Bronco for four/five years. Does it really take that long? Damn. At least he prefaced this video by saying people might not be interested. I sure as heck am not. Broncos are ugly and they just remind me of OJ Simpson. Maybe they’re better to drive than look at. I suppose it was nice to see Bob geeking out over cars. It beats staring at himself in the mirror. I’m glad he has a hobby. He definitely needs one. Or three hundred. 

Following that, he was hiking up rocks and filming himself. He’s crazy. No safety equipment. No one else there. He wanted to watch the sunset from the highest point, but there are ways to do that without potentially breaking your neck. 

Why do I write so much about this guy? I can really turn thirty seconds into five hundred words. I feel like this is a gift. Somebody hire me! I’ll write you a new life! 

What are you looking at?

I was walking home during the week at around midnight. From the train I take, I am usually still listening to music. That means that I don’t always hear when someone is behind me. So, I turn to see if there are cars coming and there’s this woman directly behind me. Right behind me. I gave her a look and crossed the street. She keeps walking and crosses the same street ahead of me. I slowed down because I sensed weirdness. After she crossed, she was directly in front of me. She proceeded to keep on looking back at me while speeding up even though I slowed down. 

Not just once but multiple times. Even as she turned left and I went straight ahead, she was just looking at me. It was very weird. Considering that she was the one who was being sketchy, it was odd that she was acting like I was going to do something to her. Or maybe she thought she knew me. Either way, it was annoying. 

Oh, shit.

I fucking tripped on stairs. What happened was that, I got off the train and these two women got off before me and right off the bat, I knew fuckery would occur. They were acting like they’d never seen a staircase in their life. When the finally took to the stairs, they were going so slow. I hate that. Slow walkers on stairs need to keep to one side. It’s dangerous. I have to make sure I go at roughly the same pace but fast enough that the person behind me doesn’t run into me. 

It had also been raining, so the stairs were slippery. Somewhere near the top, they slowed down (even more!) and I just went down. I fell forwards and hit my arm. These two idiots didn’t even say anything, they were just looking at me. 

I righted myself, moved past them and got the hell out of there. I practically ran away. Looking back, I am not embarrassed anymore, because it could happen to anyone. I’m glad that I didn’t hurt myself too badly. 

Highlight of the week

  • Seeing Thor which I have reviewed here. It’s very spoilery, so be warned. 
  • Overall, it is good.  The critics are really hyping it up which is usually a huge stay away sign but… whatever. Lol. 
  • It was worth it for Chris Hemsworth. 

Fantasy Football

The player who my team name is a play on kicked a fan in the head this week but so far, I have 38 pts. All is good!

I still need a new team name. Suggestions? I might just call it Donut Hole. Or Mushroom United (sort of a personal joke). 

I think I’ve rambled for long enough. I hope that all of you had a good week! 

have a nice day

Dear Snarklings,

I just want to wish everyone a good day, evening, morning, afternoon or whatever it is where you are. Martians – if you exist, this one goes out to you too. 

I hope that your day doesn’t suck and that don’t you don’t get run over by any tearaway cyclists or cut off by some dickhead who’s too busy texting to watch the road. I hope that those pesky pedestrians don’t get in the way. 

For those of you who take public transplant during rush hour or peak times – commiserations. You’ll get through it, you always do. Elbow anyone if necessary. Soft elbows, though. Snark doesn’t condone actual violence. 

I hope that work was good, and if it isn’t, once again, commiserations. If you’re not at work, I hope that you have a pleasant day and enjoy your weekend. 

Spend time with friends, family or yourself if that’s your thing. Have fun and try to stay positive. North Korea and the US haven’t blown each other up yet. We’re still here and we still get to kick ass. So let’s do it well. Whatever the heck that means. 

Kick ass. 


If you’re wondering if I’ve had a personality transplant, I haven’t. I’m just trying to win back some good karma. After a week of crippling stomach pain and headaches, I seem to have contracted some kind of flu. 

The kind where each sneeze reminds my back that its best friend is pain. 

I also fell asleep during Lie To Me and had a dream that the main character was a professor who lived in a cabin in the woods. I also dreamt that someone tried to bottle his roommate with a plastic Coca-Cola bottle and got whacked on the head with a pot for his trouble. Someone filmed it and the video went viral. At least until I woke up and realised that apparently I’m viral and my disease is making up things in my head. I literally asked someone if it was real because I was so convinced that I was awake. Awkward. 

After waking up, I went to go get coffee. I picked up the coffee box and somehow it feel on my head. It hurt. It hurt a lot. I put it down after that. Of course then I managed to spill coffee everywhere. The cloth I use to wipe up spillage wasn’t there. I spent five minutes wondering what to do with it. I was slightly delirious. It was strange. 


This stretch of bad luck has got to end some time and hey, I can be nice! 

Have a nice day!

[snarky closing comments redacted]

#SoCS/Random Thoughts #34

This week has flown by. I’m so happy for that. So very very happy.

I don’t have much to say.

I have been starving all week. I’m talking seriously about to eat a yogurt at 3am hunger. I’m craving sugar, chocolate and my bubblemint gum isn’t helping matters. I’m hungry!

Now, fast speed of the week aside…

Life has been kicking me in the butt this week. I managed to scratch myself while using Vaseline on my legs. How, you ask? Well, your guess is as good as mine. One minute I’m rubbing it on and the next, there’s a weird pale mark on my leg and oh shit is that skin on my nail? After that the bleeding started and I had to clean it up and find a plaster and all of the fun stuff that comes with that.

Fast forward to the day before that or thereabouts and your girl got onto the wrong escalators and didn’t realise. After a few heart stopping moments, I managed to scramble back up and find the right one. I my defence, they pulled the old switcheroo on me, but it wasn’t my finest moment.

I’ve also managed to walk into several things and poke myself in the eye.

I lead a very dangerous (and clumsy) life. 

Continue reading “#SoCS/Random Thoughts #34”

Being clumsy is not cute


I’m not sure how common this is nowadays, but in the past the clumsy trait was used to generate humour and sympathy. I think they call it being klutzy now, but we all know damn well that they mean clumsy!

Mia Thermopolis was the clumsy, charismatic princess that we all loved. The Ben Stiller of the late 90s/early 00s was the unfortunate bro that we all sat through questionable awkward, klutzy toilet humour with.

Being clumsy is often thought of in fond ways. Oh, so and so has tripped up again! Poor her. Typical her! Awww, OMG, SO CUTE!

No. No. No. And no. Continue reading “Being clumsy is not cute”