Bitchin', Life, Social Media

Hiding away from the world

You know, I used to be that girl who talked to everyone all the time, everywhere before I got burned out. I was trying to be too many things to too many people and in the end, I ran. I ran like someone just told me that they’d seen stacks of cash in the near distance. 

I felt like I was a magnet, constantly attracting non-magnetic objects. I was friends with people, but they weren’t friends with me. I was always there for people, but they were never there for me. I was the shoulder to cry on, but all I got was elbows to the face. 

After that, the best decision was to get the fuck away. Anyone who wanted to talk to me would find a way. 

Boy, were my eyes opened.

My newfound solitude was lonely at first, but eventually, I got used to it and here I am.

Occasionally, I fall into the habit. I disappear and when I emerge I realise that so much has happened. Life changes so quickly and these days, you’ve got social media to help you keep up but on those days when I’m like fuck this there is no social media, no news, no nothing. Quite what I do on those days is a mystery to me. It’s like a vacuum in my mind where everything vanishes and I wake up three days later and I’m like, damn, where did the time go. 

I think a lot of this is down to how much we are encouraged to share about ourselves. I used to be that girl that shared every single damn thought in my head. I was an open book until I realised that the more you share of yourself, the less you have to yourself. If that makes sense. 

However, I often find myself looking at my life and I’m like, my gosh I’m boring. Eventually, I ask myself relative to who? We don’t tell people about the mundane shit we do. Like shopping, eating, drinking. Oh, wait, we do. Apparently that’s the interesting part. 

Not for me.

Even with that in mind I still find myself comparing myself to other people. That person looks so put together and I look like shit. I went to school with her and she’s got her life together while I can barely dredge up an ounce of motivation. She’s really pretty and I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backward. He’s got tons of money and I struggle to buy food.

It’s hard not to look anywhere and find some kind of way in which you’re a failure. 

Most days, I can deal with that. Life isn’t supposed to be easy. If it was it would be legal to sucker punch the next asshole who shoves past me at the train station. 

Most days, I roll my eyes and tell myself that a picture doesn’t mean shit. An article is just a snapshot. Everything is just a tiny piece of a complicated puzzle. 

Some days, though, I have to jump ship before I can drown. You know those days when a stupid picture of a Starbucks cup has you think I can’t remember the last place I even went anyway and suddenly I’m wasting my life, I’m not worthwhile, I don’t do anything for anyone, blah, blah, blah. Some days I have to avoid that and I just disappear. 

I can’t tell you what I do on those days because time tends to fly by without stopping long enough for me to take a breath. 

I haven’t worked out if that’s a good or bad thing. 

Awkward Situations, Bitchin'

Dear Former Friend…

Dear Former Friend,

Or rather, what’s up bitch?

Yeah, it’s kind of like that. It’s been over a year since we first got into an argument over something that actually matters for once.

It’s been over a year since we more or less stopped speaking.

That’s a shame.

No, really, it is. I still think you’re an idiot for saying what you did. I think you’re ignorant, self-centred and too lazy to look up basic information. I think you’re naive, misinformed and not interested in changing that about yourself.

These are the reasons why I stopped talking to you.

I suppose I expected you to re-evaluate yourself and actually get back to me. I expected you to Google your shit.

It’s safe to say that I expected too much.

Anyway, our friendship is done and I guess I’m okay with it.

I still have various reminders of you, the gifts you sent, the way I always kept the packaging and how I randomly found your address within my stuff the other day.

I still have one more gift that I never sent to you, but I have no idea where it is.

Much like you, it’s vanished without a trace.

And I can’t say that I didn’t try. I gave you the perfect opening to try and amend things but clearly you’re not interested.

That means that I’m not interested.

I’m sorry for not being the kind of friend that doesn’t call you out on your shit, but not sorry for calling you out.

Hopefully you’ve learnt how to think before you speak.

Lots of love lost,

Me.

P.S. I found the gift. It’s probably going to go to someone else. Too bad.

~

Damn, y’all. It’s been quiet here too. Usually I’m chatty on one blog or the other. I guess I’ll update you all soon. I have a whole bunch of things saved – so I was writing but not posting. Weird but not weird at the same time. Lol!

More later!

Bitchin', Life

Weathering The Storm

Does the weather reflect our mood? Definitely. This week it’s been hot and muggy. It’s rained. There have been storms. There’s been sun. It’s like, a catalogue of weather conditions. 
Much like the weather this week, my mood has been all over the place. 

I had a completely alien thought a few days ago. I wished that I had a best friend. I don’t consider myself to have a best friend. There’s no BFF who I tell everything to. If anything I’m constantly keeping parts of myself away from people because I know (or believe) that they’re not interested.  In some cases, people have straight up told me in no certain circumstances that they’re not interested while also telling me that I can talk to them about anything. 

I seem to attract a certain calibre of people. Or, I did, when I was outgoing. These days, I keep to myself and only really talk to people who talk to me. 

As someone who tends to internalise everything, it’s hard enough to tell people things without being screwed around. I remember desperately needing help with a story and I begged my friend to look over it. I hate asking for help because people let you down. My motto is always never ask people to do anything that you can’t do yourself. Anyway, we had done this dance before and usually she said no and I left it. This time, I think I had just done her a favour, so she agreed. 

I sent it to her and silence. 

We spoke afterwards but she didn’t mention it until sometime later. She told me she felt bad for not looking through it. One thing I hate is bullshit and as I was reassuring her that it was okay, I realised that I was now comforting her over her letting me down. I stopped talking to her for a couple of days. 

We’re still good friends but I’ll never ask her for help again. At least nothing that really requires more than five minutes of her time. 

I do have friends that read my writing and I am immensely grateful. Especially because I write some ridiculous things. 

However, I need someone that likes boybands, someone who reads my blog and tells me to stop being so weird, gets my jokes and is willing to mock someone on Instagram with me. 

You remember Bob? (Bob was a guy I follow on Instagram just for the unintentional lulz.) Anyway, part of why I cancelled Bob was because the friend that I shared his posts with kind of wasn’t feeling it. It wasn’t serious, but she kept trying to say: he’s not that interesting (to which I was like – that was the point!) and I got the sense that I was annoying her so I have stopped bothering her about it. 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have decided to become my own best friend. 

As always, WikiHow has got me covered. 

I’m going to laugh at my own jokes, mock Bob by myself to myself if I want to. I’ll read my own writing, read and comment on my own blog. 

I’ll watch movies by myself, watch TV shows by myself. I’ll buy gifts for myself, I’ll defend myself if I need to. I’ll eat chocolate and cry by myself, dance to the Backstreet Boys by myself. 

Wait. I do all of that already. 

Anyway, humour aside, I guess the importance of having a best friend is that it’s someone to let loose with, someone I can be myself with. I guess in this day and age, many of us are too focused on ourselves to really care about others. I try to tell people things and it turns into one-upmanship. I’m sitting there thinking I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING, but to no avail. I’m sure that I’m guilty of the same thing. 

So, yeah.

Me and myself are now BFFs. 

Alternatively, the weather needs to calm down so that I can go back to being my usual abnormal self. 😂

This is a response to ‘weather’ prompt for #SoCS June 3/17. You can see the other responses here

A to Z Challenge 2017, Awkward Situations

F(riendship) – #AtoZChallenge

pexels-photo-201817

I am way behind. Both with writing and commenting on other people’s! 

Anyway, friendship. Friendship is one of those things that are we always seem to be searching for (or running away from). Most of us want sitcom friendships, y’know, where breakfast, lunch, dinner and every waking moment not related to character specific plots are spent together. Most of us get the opposite. Friends who don’t call or reply to text messages. Friends who suck. The lucky ones get the good friends. The kind that read their shitty stories and listen to them whine at stupid’o’clock or wax poetically about Tom Hardy’s lips. 

In my case, I lost the friend lottery very early on in life. Every best friend I’ve ever had would suddenly start ignoring me in favour of a third person. Although, maybe it was all in my mind. Perhaps I was just the clingy friend. It all dates back to when I was a kid. When I was bullied, the friends I had would leave me on my own because it was either that or stand up to the bully who declared me a no friend zone. The sad thing is that I just accepted it. I’d hang out by myself or with the younger students. I always remember those little brats destroying my bright orange jacket (probably for the best). It’s strange because people tend to gravitate towards me but they don’t seem to want to stick around. I’ve been told how awesome I am by so many different people, but apparently that means nothing when it comes to keeping in touch. 

Eventually all of these little things add up. In the past I have found myself showering friends with gifts so that they would like me. I tried to be an ear to everyone, tried to go out of my way if they needed help. I’m always trying to help people but the issue is that sometimes I need something back. Rarely do I get it. 

There are two things that are major friendship no-nos for me. The first is ignoring me. I don’t need anyone to take time out for me, but let a girl know what’s up. It takes two seconds to tell me that you’re busy. The second is expecting me to be the one to ALWAYS get in touch. The second came about after I had a falling out with my close friends from school. They decided to stop speaking to me without informing me. I only had a clue that they were angry because someone else told me. Apparently I’d uploaded a slideshow online and they didn’t want their pictures up. Fair enough, it wasn’t my intention to do that. In fact, they had all seen the video beforehand. All it would have taken is for one person to say, ‘hey, Snark, can you take that video down?’. Instead it became this crazy argument that I wasn’t even part of. 

Needless to say, things cooled soon after that.

Since then, I tend to friend one or two people. I don’t do huge groups. Too much potential disappointment. I don’t hold onto friends tightly anymore and I’m cool with sporadic communication. I’m never going to have an Instagram page filled with cutesy pictures of friends having fun but I don’t care. 

Being a hermit is cheaper and less headache inducing. I have more time to laze around in bed and watch shitty television. 

Friends come and go, and I’m okay with that. 

Life is too short to chase after people who don’t care.

Written as part of the a to z challenge.

Awkward Situations

You Handed Me The Scissors (Quote of the Day)

If I cut you off, chances are, you handed me the scissors.

I shall put a positive spin on this by saying that I’m more of a eraser than a cutter. You might fade to black but I won’t treat you like a leper. I tend to forgive easily but only when people actually ask for it

People apologize but never follow it up by asking you if you can somehow get past what they’ve done. 

Friendship is like a book that never seems to end until one day you just don’t pick it up again. 

Awkward Situations, Life

One Liner Wednesday: I’m done, have fun

It was my friend’s birthday this week but I haven’t spoken to her since October. It was a conscious decision but one that was also due to the fact that I was busy. In all of that time, I’ve not heard from her. Usually, I email her for her birthday but I didn’t want to be the one to break the silence. I don’t think she gets just how much she upset me and how much I feel like we are now two strangers. Even if I wanted to be tight with her again, my conscience wouldn’t allow it. It’s not that I can’t forgive it’s that there was no real attempt to understand my side of things, just what I thought was a flimsy apology and her admitting that she has no time to undo her ignorance. I accepted the apology but I don’t have to accept feeling bad. So yeah, it’s done for now.

I sent her an ecard this week and she opened it about two hours after but there was no acknowledgement. I’m guessing she doesn’t know that I am notified when it’s open but…Yeah, I know! Obviously, she could have been busy or something but I took it for what it was. 

It’s obvious not great to think that you’ve lost a friend but there comes a point where you have to just push it aside and just let whatever happens happen. We could talk tomorrow or we could never talk again. I can’t stress out over something that I can’t control. 


This is a response to this week’s One Liner Wednesday.

Awkward Situations, Life

Excuse me, miss 

I’ve already blogged about an incident that occurred between me and a friend of mine. She apologised and I reluctantly accepted. And that’s it. Except, no, it isn’t.

If I have to force an apology from someone then it’s not okay. And like I said in the linked post, I could buy that the initial statements were an oversight on her part but everything else…nah.

So, I have limited my interaction with this person. While I think it’s the right thing to do, now I feel guilty. Maybe I should accept the apology wholeheartedly and move past this. Compromise, somehow. Forgive the comment and move on.

Maybe I should, but, I don’t think I want to.

The thing that gets me is that she claimed she didn’t know that I was upset even though I was very angry. I’m not sure if she was playing dumb or just couldn’t be bothered but I’m sure it ranks low on her ‘Do I care?’ scale.

I’ve spoken to her a few times since her ‘apology’. That was October. I didn’t get back to her and I haven’t heard from her since. Maybe being petty but I’m legit mad that she didn’t wish me a Happy New Year. Sure, I could have just paused our one-sided beef and sent a message but I’ve deciced not to bullshit myself this year. Doing that would have upset me. So now I wait. Well, until her birthday at least because that’s just manners. Still. The uncertainty annoys me. I’d rather know that we are deuces than know that she’s unaware that part of me is still pissed at her flippant behaviour.

Oh well.


Joint response to the Jan 23rd prompts of Oversight (Daily) and Compromise (JusJoJan)