I wrote a lot about That Guy last week after everything that happened, but I didn’t want to keep whining about it. So, I’m staggering the posts. I saw him Monday, I can’t say for certain that he’s deliberately ignoring me, but I get the impression that he is. Oh, well.
Friday 16th March
With things with That Guy wrapping up, I’m left with one thing. The denial, the refusal to admit what it was (or wasn’t). The fact that I’m confused and not angry.
I’m still not angry. At least not over what he did. I’m angry over how he’s reacting. I have enough self esteem issues without this guy bulldozing all over me.
However, I’m aware of the two things.
- I have still never really properly admitted that I liked him.
- I was willing to take this much, much further than it went even though, long term, I don’t think it would have worked out.
There’s a weird sterility when I think these things. I can literally feel a barrier inside. It’s like a wall inside my chest. I have no idea how to break it. So I’m turning to the blog. I will tell you what I can never tell anyone else and you will all promise not to tell a soul. If That Guy happens to be one of my readers – fuck you, mate. Lol. Okay, so let’s do this step by step.
I miss the friendship that we had. I have felt like this ever since I hugged him and I realised that I was actually attracted to him like that. Before, we were so cool. Everything was so simple and I liked just touching base with him. I don’t even think I mentioned it much on here because it was just life. Even when he started with the compliments, I brushed it off. Guys don’t take interest in me. Well. Not normal guys… Apparently that trend has continued. When he was saying all of that stuff it was a confidence boost for me. It made me feel good about myself for the first time in years. Someone was noticing my efforts to look nice. Yay!
Much of our interactions took place in isolation, but I have one semi-witness. My friend saw us a couple of times together and started joking around about it. Even when my friend had been teasing me about him for weeks but I downplayed it every time. Downplay. Downplay. Act normal. I never gave any indication it was more than friendship. And it wasn’t.
Not for a long time. I liked him a lot. I liked that he always seemed genuinely happy to see me, I liked that he was different when he was talking to me. I liked him. I still do. It’s so fucked up, but I can’t say that if he suddenly called me and said I’m sorry, let’s do this over that I would say no (to talking, not anything more, I’m not that insane). It’s that level of messed up. So when people tell me to move on, I can say I will but I can’t. Not right away.
When it comes to relationships, not many guys have ever made it that far with me. The people I really like are always unobtainable. There’s only ever been one guy that I was genuinely crazy over. It was a long time ago, but I always remember his birthday, our old conversations, the way he would rib me constantly and how my day wasn’t complete until we spoke. Much like That Guy we met by chance. He was really sweet, but we drifted apart.
Anyway, like I said, not many guys. I don’t like to get into things that have a very clear expiration date, but I was kind of willing to for That Guy. With all of the red flags, I would have given him more of myself than I’ve given anyone in a long time. Even with his weird behaviour. Even with his situation. That’s kind of messed up, but I was just kind of curious. Is that the right word to describe my temporary insanity?
For the first time in years, I can make conversation with people without feeling an intense urge to run away. I think a part of me just wanted to see how far it would go, and also I reached that point where the lines of friendship had been blurred. Mostly by him, but I can admit that I wasn’t entirely innocent either. I wasn’t as forward as him, but I didn’t shut him down either.
With all of that in mind, I think the big admission here is that he’s really hurt me with his behaviour. It’s not just a case of screw him, it’s about dealing with all of the crap that I feel. The point of contention for me is that if it was nothing, why am I so hurt? I’m still not really angry with him. I’m angry with myself for going against my instincts and not having a word with myself (girl, calm yo tits pls), but him?
I refuse to be angry.
I’m already wasting energy being hurt by him.
Some people just aren’t worth it.