breaking the wall

I wrote a lot about That Guy last week after everything that happened, but I didn’t want to keep whining about it. So, I’m staggering the posts. I saw him Monday, I can’t say for certain that he’s deliberately ignoring me, but I get the impression that he is. Oh, well. 

Friday 16th March 

With things with That Guy wrapping up, I’m left with one thing. The denial, the refusal to admit what it was (or wasn’t). The fact that I’m confused and not angry. 

I’m still not angry. At least not over what he did. I’m angry over how he’s reacting. I have enough self esteem issues without this guy bulldozing all over me. 

However, I’m aware of the two things. 

  1. I have still never really properly admitted that I liked him. 
  2. I was willing to take this much, much further than it went even though, long term, I don’t think it would have worked out. 

There’s a weird sterility when I think these things. I can literally feel a barrier inside. It’s like a wall inside my chest. I have no idea how to break it. So I’m turning to the blog. I will tell you what I can never tell anyone else and you will all promise not to tell a soul. If That Guy happens to be one of my readers – fuck you, mate. Lol. Okay, so let’s do this step by step. 


I miss the friendship that we had. I have felt like this ever since I hugged him and I realised that I was actually attracted to him like that. Before, we were so cool. Everything was so simple and I liked just touching base with him. I don’t even think I mentioned it much on here because it was just life. Even when he started with the compliments, I brushed it off. Guys don’t take interest in me. Well. Not normal guys… Apparently that trend has continued. When he was saying all of that stuff it was a confidence boost for me. It made me feel good about myself for the first time in years. Someone was noticing my efforts to look nice. Yay!

Much of our interactions took place in isolation, but I have one semi-witness. My friend saw us a couple of times together and started joking around about it. Even when my friend had been teasing me about him for weeks but I downplayed it every time. Downplay. Downplay. Act normal. I never gave any indication it was more than friendship. And it wasn’t. 

Not for a long time. I liked him a lot. I liked that he always seemed genuinely happy to see me, I liked that he was different when he was talking to me. I liked him. I still do. It’s so fucked up, but I can’t say that if he suddenly called me and said I’m sorry, let’s do this over that I would say no (to talking, not anything more, I’m not that insane). It’s that level of messed up. So when people tell me to move on, I can say I will but I can’t. Not right away. 


When it comes to relationships, not many guys have ever made it that far with me. The people I really like are always unobtainable. There’s only ever been one guy that I was genuinely crazy over. It was a long time ago, but I always remember his birthday, our old conversations, the way he would rib me constantly and how my day wasn’t complete until we spoke. Much like That Guy we met by chance. He was really sweet, but we drifted apart.

Anyway, like I said, not many guys. I don’t like to get into things that have a very clear expiration date, but I was kind of willing to for That Guy. With all of the red flags, I would have given him more of myself than I’ve given anyone in a long time. Even with his weird behaviour. Even with his situation. That’s kind of messed up, but I was just kind of curious. Is that the right word to describe my temporary insanity?

For the first time in years, I can make conversation with people without feeling an intense urge to run away. I think a part of me just wanted to see how far it would go, and also I reached that point where the lines of friendship had been blurred. Mostly by him, but I can admit that I wasn’t entirely innocent either. I wasn’t as forward as him, but I didn’t shut him down either. 

With all of that in mind, I think the big admission here is that he’s really hurt me with his behaviour. It’s not just a case of screw him, it’s about dealing with all of the crap that I feel. The point of contention for me is that if it was nothing, why am I so hurt? I’m still not really angry with him. I’m angry with myself for going against my instincts and not having a word with myself (girl, calm yo tits pls), but him? 

Fuck that. 

I refuse to be angry. 

I’m already wasting energy being hurt by him. 

Some people just aren’t worth it. 


not fully operational upstairs

I’m sorry that I’ve become one track minded over the past few weeks. Apparently, my life is like a Mexican telenovela.

This post follows on from here.

March 15th 2018

This is officially some Alice in Wonderland type of shit. I never understood a word of that book. The tea cup. The rabbits. The looking glass. The cards. What the heck is the book even about? I digress.

I keep circling back to TG telling me that it’s ‘complicated’. If I could do the conversation again, I’d say something in addition to looking at him like he’s an idiot.



1.5 If you have a complicated situation, why did you ask for my number? Things didn’t become complicated overnight. Why couldn’t you control yourself (rhetorical question of course)?

2. Why did you pretend that you weren’t one of the fake people I told you were around?

3. At what point did I ever say that I wanted to take things further with you? Why are you running away from nothing?

4. You are a bum. A dusty bum.

I think number 3 is the big one. I’ve never been a situation where a guy acts like we were in a weird relationship when… absolutely nothing happened.

The day after the conversation (Thursday), I saw him when he was coming inside and he looked right at me and acted like he didn’t see me. I was slightly upset but it was cool because he was somewhere else for a bit. Out of sight and out of mind. To an extent.

Unfortunately, towards the end of the day, I was talking to someone and I randomly looked up and there he was. Laughing away and acting like I wasn’t a few metres away.

If I’d gone to an area where he was, I would have said something – even if it’s just hi – to make it not awkward. TG was just standing there and acting like I didn’t exist.

Can someone tell this cocoon headed motherfucker that we are adults? I would understand if we’d fallen out, but we didn’t. I feel uncomfortable when I see him because it’s like I’ve done something wrong.

Having a social phobia means that people automatically think that they’re the bad eggs, even if no one is actually treating them like that. Let alone when they are being mistreated. So… this guy now has me doubting myself. I think out of everything that’s the worst part. You can not text, you can decide to stop trying to start something, but it’s the way you do things. Obviously, he doesn’t know about my issues, but it’s the blatant disregard of my feelings that really puzzles me.

I am having a hard time reconciling the guy I knew with this version of him. The fact that nothing happened should make all of this irrelevant. Dust it off. Move on. However, this is someone I thought was my friend at the very least over the past few months.

Luckily for me, being hurt by friends is something I’m accustomed to. Maybe he fell and hit his big head somewhere, I don’t know. Clearly he’s not fully operational upstairs. At the end of Thursday I was upset. I was teary, but I managed to pull myself together. I ruined my silver eyeliner, and he’s not worth that. At all. 

Obviously, I need to be the adult here and act maturely. I could ignore him but he’s making me feel uncomfortable. I have learnt a lot about myself this year. Brainy does not like it when our bubble is threatened by anything. I had this urge to just get away from him, but I stood my ground and went about my business as normal. Mostly. I can’t do that all the time, though. Talking to him was supposed to ease the tension not add more.

If I see him on Monday and he’s still being weird, I will ask him point blank to quit it. Aunt Flo will be in town so I’ll either be in bitch/wah wah wah life is so hard mode. The conditions are set for some kind of drama.

I could text him, but that leaves him too much room to act like he didn’t get it. Again. Although, that might give me a weird upper hand. I get my message across and he doesn’t get a chance to have a comeback. Ever. Cowardliness won’t work in his favour this time. I’ll draft something.


Will life ever be drama free?

Answers on a postcard. Preferably one that reads fake ass, non-fully-operational bum free zone.

keep the wall up

The original title of this post was: not angry but not not angry
That’s a mouthful, right? I am in a very weird mood as I write this. I can best describe it as a fuck everything and keep the wall up mood

On one hand, I’ve never felt so humiliated in my life. 

At the same time, I’ve come such a long way from that girl who was too afraid to speak to people, let alone confront an issue. 

I should be proud of myself, but all I feel is embarrassment. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I’ve been used. I feel very confused. Most of all, I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m annoyed that I’ve wasted my time on this nonsense.

If you haven’t guessed it, I’m talking about That Guy. I didn’t see him on Tuesday. I think he got the hint on Monday because he stays as far away from me as possible. I finally realised that he comes in a few hours earlier than he did before. Somehow he’s been getting past me undetected. 

Not on Wednesday. 

I was reaaaady. I was not playing around. I saw him and I waved at him. He waved back and I beckoned him over but he kept going. I’m sure he saw me, but he thought, let me keep going quickly. 

The joke was on him. 

Now, the old me would leave it and, but PMS!Snark does not give a fuck. She really doesn’t. I love her even though she’s a cranky bitch. When I get into that mode, there’s nothing I can’t do. 

I went over and got on the elevator with him. Other people were there, but I just said to him, I was calling you over. I need to talk to you. He said okay, but I could tell that it was reluctant. Needless to say, it was a very uncomfortable ride up, lol. He looked sooooo sheepish and I was just thinking good. 

I know that I was supposed to be acting normal around him, but clearly, that wasn’t going to happen. This guy has ignored me and then tried to act like nothing has happened. Unfortunately for him, I’m not sixteen years old. I am not interested in his games. I’m not going to go back and forth with him. I wanted to squash this right there and then. 

I wasn’t about to start asking him about why he didn’t text me, though. I have some pride. After we got off the elevator, I asked him if he was alright and he said he was. I asked him if he was sure. He looked embarrassed the entire time, probably because I was inadvertently giving him my this is not a joke face. 

Apparently, I am the human embodiment of this GIF:

I certainly wasn’t smiling, so who knows what my face was like. I tried to keep it as neutral as possible so… We’ll go with Kristen Stewart in Twilight. I probably looked as lifeless as she did. 

Anyway, I asked if he was okay. He said he was fine. I asked if he was away last week (I found out in passing… I’m not stalking him, lol). He said he was. I asked what he did. He said he spent time with his son (oh so now you’re claiming him, cool). I don’t know what I said. Not much. I think that plus my face made him feel even worse because he started rambling. 

He said to me that it’s complicated (lol, bro, what’s complicated? Nothing has happened. We are not anything. I am not asking you to be my boyfriend. I am not asking for you anything). I can’t remember saying anything. I don’t think I said much. I was just confused. My silence worked in my favour because he was doing the talking. He kept saying that it was complicated and out of nowhere he tells me that some women are frustrating

I was honestly just like….. what is happening here? Some women are frustrating?!

Oh, but you’re not? Okay, dude. That’s nice. Your agony aunt is located somewhere to the left of me. I don’t give a shit about your complicated or frustrating women unless you’re trying to imply something. If you’re trying to imply that I’m complicated – you know what you can do. Oh, and why have you been trying it on with me when someone else is in the picture!! Sort your mess out, please. 

After he said that a few times and I didn’t respond, he didn’t elaborate. I was honestly just looking at him in bemusement. I was thinking to myself what the fuck does this have to do with me? I don’t know you like that.

Eventually, (just as I was starting to leave because the conversation was going nowhere and he wasn’t making sense), he said – unprompted – that he was sorry he hadn’t replied to my text. I can’t really remember what excuse he gave, some shit about being busy or he had a lot going on etc. I can’t remember if I said it was fine, or if I nodded. I think I was busy thinking oh so you did get it!

He just looked really embarrassed about it and I’m sure I was just completely shut off at that point. He told me that it was complicated again. I don’t think that I said anything that my face wasn’t conveying. The responses floating around in my mind were colourful to say the least. I think being silent was the best choice. Maybe I should have said more, but at this point…what for?

After, he said some nonsense about coming down to speak to me. About what? I just said okay. I knew he was full of shit. He wasn’t going to come and do anything. I got back into the elevator, let the doors close and literally said –

What a fucking asshole. 

Don’t worry, I was the only one in there. LOL. 

Obviously, it’s work, so I had to keep going about my day. However, I was pissed off. I am pissed off. I asked a guy for a male perspective and he said fuck that guy. 

I’m inclined to agree. 

Let me recap the situation for everyone just so we’re clear. 

  • That Guy told me that I was good company on the second day after meeting him. 
  • He told me I looked good repeatedly. For the longest time, I didn’t respond to any of his flirting past a simple thanks. 
  • He continued to say all of this shit to me.
  • He went out of his way to find out if I have a boyfriend.
  • He asked me what I did on Valentine’s Day (after joking about bringing wine or whatever). 
  • He accused me of blanking him after I said hello to him. 
  • He came over to me when I was upset and showed concern (huge part of why I was even contemplating anything other than what it was).
  • He asked me about it again days later and then asked me for number repeatedly so that he could call me (his words not mine). 
  • He cornered me and I – despite my better judgement – took his number when he wanted my number (his words were I didn’t get your number. I said (I was stalling LOL), oh you want my number all blasé and whatnot. His response: please. 
  • I texted him the next day – because at the very least I considered him a friend. 
  • He didn’t text back. 
  • He straight up ignored me the next week, so I ignored him right back. 
  • He tried to start saying hi to me but I wasn’t as friendly as I usually am. 
  • He ignored me again after I didn’t greet him enthusiastically enough
  • I finally decide that enough is enough and basically put him on the spot and use my resting bitch face to extract an explanation. 

    I can only come to one conclusion. 

    I have superpowers


    My bitch face did the work for me there. When he was talking to me, I more or less said nothing after my initial inquisition. I didn’t really have anything planned to say to him. 

    Initially the plan was to be normal, but when I saw him, PMS!Snark was like don’t give him the chance to act like you don’t exist. I don’t know how I got all that information from him without asking directly. 

    Clearly, the bitch face was epic. 

    All joking aside, I am sure that I broke some kind of code by being the one to go to him. All the advise I got was: act normal, don’t mention the text (which in all fairness I didn’t), but I need a chance to do that and he wasn’t giving me one. He was acting like I did something to him and I was feeling bad about this mystical thing I’d done. 

    PMS!Snark was not having that. At all. 

    I will probably post about this again. I’ve shed a baby tear over it, but I’m still very much in that mode I was when I spoke to him. Blank. Apathetic. I haven’t processed it because I have two more days of the week to get through. I don’t want to have an anxiety attack (lol forever at him asking me what was wrong when I had the last one…clearly, he doesn’t care).

    So, yeah. 

    I guess I got rejected by a guy who was chasing me. I don’t know how I’ve managed that, but it’s very much symbolic of my luck. For some people, the thrill is in the chase. Fuck that. 

    Chris Hemsworth is obviously still my soulmate, he just doesn’t know it yet. 

    guilty conscience

    I’m one of those people who doesn’t stay mad for long. If you’re an asshole, fine. I’ll be pissed, but within a day, we’ll be talking again. It’s rare that I prolong the silent treatment. Unless of course, you happen to be someone I have complicated feelings for. 
    That Guy was back after a week long absence. You may recall that I am not speaking to him because he basically badgered me for my number and then never replied to my text. Unfortunately for him, I blank people when I am not ready to deal with him. I’ve not had a conversation with him since the exchange of numbers. 

    Previously, there was an awkward hello. Today, there was another awkward hello. I am fairly certain that he doesn’t even know my name. Don’t ask me how we get to the four month point and he doesn’t know my name, we just have. I know his name because I was paying attention when he told me. 

    Anyway, another tick in the dodged a bullet column. 

    I think he’s gotten the hint now, because next time I saw him, he didn’t say shit to me. He eventually had to come over and help with something, but we didn’t say anything. Until, I did that thing where you echo someone. They were like, ‘Oh, That Guy has saved the day’ and I repeated it and thanked him and he just let out the quietest ‘that’s okay‘. A co-worker of mine who is aware of the situation started clearing his throat really obviously and he’s lucky that I’m a non-violent person. 

    Anyway, yeah. I felt really bad. This is typical me. You could punch me in the face and I’d apologize to you. 

    Sorry for being so punchable.
    I have no idea why I’m wired thus way, but apparently, I’m never going to change. People will take advantage of my good nature, but hey, at least I’m not in charge of any nuclear launch codes. You’ve seen White House Down, right? If I’d replaced Channing Tatum it would probably be a whole different movie. 

    I’m the person that tries to rationalise with the bad guy. 

    I’m a Libra. We are the best, but also the worst. It’s so true. 

    According to the esteemed experts at Your Tango:

    Libra’s can sometimes be too forgiving. You can find them randomly apologizing to others even when they aren’t in the wrong.

    That’s me. 

    I’m sorry. 

    I will not be apologising to That Guy. However, I am not going to run away from him or feel awkward. I am awesome, and even if I don’t believe that, I am not going to let someone make me feel uncomfortable when I haven’t done anything wrong. 

    I am going to lay it on thiiiiiick if I see him tomorrow. 

    Hiiiiii, how are you? I noticed that you weren’t here? But, is everything okay, though? I’m great, by the way – pause for coughing fit – I’m fabulous. 

    Expect a post tomorrow about how my passive aggressiveness got me into trouble, lol. 

    On another note, my former friend has a birthday today. I have been going back and forth on wishing her happy birthday. We stopped talking after she made what I perceived to be a racist remark. I went back and forth over it in my mind and confronted her and she apologized but it was very flippant. From that point, we’ve spoken a handful of times. 

    Bizarrely enough, I feel guilty over that. 

    I feel like it’s my fault for being too sensitive, for not educating her, for being her friend at all. It’s all very weird. 

    However, I’m not a machine. We were friends for years. Since I was sixteen years old, you know. That I stopped talking to her is understandable, that she never bothered to fix her wrong isn’t. 

    Still, I was reminded of all of this when she didn’t wish me a happy birthday. Considering that we’ve exchanged birthday gifts for years, it was maybe a message? I don’t know. I’m not a person that plays mind games. I will be wishing her a happy birthday, because that’s what I do.

    We might not be the best of friends, but it’s the courteous thing to do, right?

    Or am I in the Twilight Zone? One of y’all needs to let me know. 

    denial is underrated

    I have to admit, I’m one of those people who’s always giving advice. 

    Just tell the truth. Talk to that person. Tell them how you feel. Don’t sit back in anger. Go for it. Don’t be shy. 

    You name it, I’ve said it. Clearly, I need to just be quiet. There’s no good in admitting the truth. Seriously. The truth just opens you up to disappointment. All the time. 

    I’m never going to marry Chris Hemsworth. 

    There go my dreams. 

    I’m never going to be rich. 

    There goes my dream house. 

    I’m never going to find a decent guy and get married. 

    Well. I care less about this than I should. 

    I’m never going to get this job. 

    There goes the chance that I’ll complete another application within the next two months. 

    I look nice today 

    … quickly turns into looking horrible the next day. 

    Anyway, once you tell yourself the truth everything goes downhill. 

    Take my situation with That Guy, who my brain seems to keep wandering back to, I was in denial for the first two months. He was literally just a guy who I said hello to. Not a guy that I liked. Denial was my safety blanket. Once I removed it a teeny bit, everything came crashing down. Now I’m stuck dodging a guy who I like when I could be acting normal around a guy who I merely greet occasionally.

    You see? Denial so much better. 

    It saves us from a world of hurt. 

    Most of the time. 

    Right now, I’m going through a period in which I sort of missing talking to him. A lot. This is going to sound corny, but for a good few weeks there was some telepathic shit happening. I’d know when he was around and vice versa. Last week, he got the silent treatment and this week he’s not here at all. 

    Leaving me wondering why I miss someone that I don’t even know. And I can’t really talk to anyone about it because I don’t want them to think that I’m a loser. I don’t want to be told to get over him. I don’t want people to start spreading my business. I’m still not sure pursuing anything is a good idea – and that’s taking the (apparent) rejection part into mind. 

    No, he never did reply to my text. I also have no idea if he got it because he didn’t say anything to me. And I’ve had time to think about it. He could easily have come to me to say something, but he didn’t. Am I really going to entertain this nonsense?

    I don’t want to, but… clearly this shit isn’t over my end. I’ll lie to myself and say that it is, but isn’t. Some of the shit this guy said to me resonated somehow. There’s a comment he’d make that would remind me of something people would say about me when I was younger. That sounds creepy, but it was like a nickname kind of thing that people would use and whenever he said it I would just think…. That’s uncanny. 

    Other than that, it’s still mostly been materialistic and flirty stuff. Hence the missing a guy that I don’t really know. Hence why I didn’t tell him shit when he wanted to know. Hence why I didn’t give him my number. 

    a bit tragic

    If you didn’t already know, I am the kind of person who has terrible luck. When it rains, it freaking pours. Not a trickle but epic rain. The kind that happens spontaneously in Nicholas Sparks’ books. One bad thing just starts the spiral and it doesn’t seem to end. 

    Take this past week. I had to deal with the awkwardness of That Guy (guy at work who had absolutely nothing with). That involved me whining about it at every opportunity possible. I keep saying to myself what advice would you give someone else? The answer is always move the fuck on. Fine. I said hi to him and decided that whatever happens happens. His behaviour is not a reflection on me. I’m awesome, I’m still extremely average looking and will be wary of any super cute guys who try to mess with me from now on. Got it.

    It was still snowing on Friday so I wore my hair out with the front tied back so it would be easier to wear a hat. This is important because I can’t think of any other reason why this other person at work decided to set his eyes on me. He’s been rude to me on several occasions and just has this weird vibe about him. I always ignore him. 

    He started talking to me on Friday while we were going up stairs and there was no escape. He kept asking me questions. My mistake was holding the door open for him when we got to the top. I should have run. Far away. At top speed. He realised that we had some (minor) things in common and told me he’d come to talk to me later. 

    I silently hoped that he wouldn’t. 

    This dude actually came. It was a chill day, so I was like, cool I’ll talk to him. And then he kept coming over. He kept asking questions. He kept coming over. More questions. Oh, and apparently he’s got his own business and he’s high rolling and travels all the time and he can help me with accommodation and transport should I ever want to travel. This dude said, give me your details so you can tell other people and also he can give me the details. 

    I have a real problem. 

    I am unable to give a fake number. I even have an old number that I remember perfectly. Did I give it to him? Nope. And yes, I am comfortable giving Creeper McCreeper a real number whereas That Guy gets nothing. I think my brain is upside down. 

    So, I gave it to him. He kept coming back. More questions. Until the end of the day when he came by one last time. 

    What do you do on weekends? 

    Uh. Stuff? What business is it of yours? Where is this going?

    Do you go clubbing? 

    Two years ago I could barely leave the house. Clubbing isn’t on my agenda. 

    Do you go to dinner?


    Would you like to go dinner sometimes? 

    Oh lord. FUCK NO. NEVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. Smooth ass motherfucker. And not smooth in a peanut butter kind of way, but smooth as in slippery ice. 

    I just said we’ll see which means no. Helllll nooooooo. 

    Unfortunately, I’d given him my number at this point. 

    Fast forward to 9am on Saturday, he’s texting me and calling me. 

    Did you sleep well?

    I was trying to until you fucking called me at leave me alone AM on a Saturday. 

    I didn’t reply or acknowledge his call. Unlike That Guy I didn’t even accidentally lead this guy on AT ALL

    Here’s hoping that he gets the hint. If not, I will just be like, ‘yeah, so…I have a boyfriend.’ He doesn’t need to know that said boyfriend is non-existent.  

    In what has to be a special dose of unfairness, I seem to have contracted another bug. This is the third time since December. My chest is burning. My body aches. My head aches. Every thing hurts. I can barely move. I can’t workout. 

    I don’t know what I did in a past life to deal with this but I APOLOGIZE. I APOLOGIZE. I don’t need anymore anxiety or illness. Please. PLEASE. Or any unwanted male attention. Pretty please. 

    To elaborate on the That Guy situation, I seem to have come to my senses. I don’t want to hug him anymore. I’m also not going to blank him anymore, because apparently I fail at doing that. I was so engrossed in a conversation on Thursday that I didn’t even see him. He just appeared and I was like, great, universe. Great job. Thank you for having my back as always. 
    However, we exchanged some awkward greetings and that was all. I dodged him successfully on the way out. I think my exact words were oh my fucking goodness because I was just done at that point. I was fine before I met him and I’ll be fine now.

    That, ladies and gentlemen, is my life. And I haven’t even mentioned the part where I almost slipped on ice. What happened was that, I crossed the road and saw a huge puddle. That was unusual because everything was covered in snow. It was still snowing. Not only that I’d been trying to get home for an hour. Anyway, I ignored the puddle and walked right into a death trap. I was slipping and sliding and I had to hold onto railings, bins, and whatever else was there. Meanwhile the other side of the street was ice free and just looking at me… taunting me…

    On Friday evening, I gathered up some snow and lobbed it at a wall with great force. 
    That angry snowball represents me right now. 

    In addition to all of that crap, I accidentally popped the button of my trousers while I was scratching my leg. I am livid. I was going to stay in my pyjamas all day but nope, I decided to change. 

    I’m an angry, angry snowball. 

    Now, if only I had my own Chris Hemsworth to melt me down….

    normal service resumed

    I want to check my train later and see that written ANYWHERE. 

    Failing that, I have to get the bus. I got really irate on the bus the other day. I’d been on it for so long and the windows were steamed and it was packed. I just wanted to get off. It was a nightmare. 

    On my way home on Thursday, the bus driver went nuts and started swearing at these two women who wanted to know if the bus was going to their stop. In the snow and icy conditions. Dude, come on. As if I didn’t know he was crazy, he drove the bus like a fucking lunatic. In the snow and icy conditions!

    The snow has completely turned the UK upside down (it’s pretty, though).

    I think I’ve gone the same way. 
    I just realised that I’ve been blathering on about a guy for the last two weeks. Where’s the snark? The snark has been sorely lacking. Hello, snark, you have a directive here? It’s to be SNARKY.

    I miss Bob, he was perfect snark material. I need to start looking in on him again. 

    If I do the A to Z thingy, it’s going to be straight snark. I did it last year but I’m not sure about this year. I don’t have time for themes and all of that shit, lol. I might just do letters that I like. Which is really just one. S. Haha. 

    On that note, here is your Year of Snark update. 

    So far I’ve managed to sort of achieve the one thing I didn’t even want – sustained male attention and I don’t think that’s an achievement. It’s a hindrance. It’s so annoying. I would rather adopt seven cats right now. 

    My anxiety has snowballed (heh) for whatever reason. It’s been up and down, up and down. This week I feel a little crazy again. I have no idea what that is about (okay, maybe I do). I can’t explain. It’s like I’m just laughing at dumb shit. I find it funny but at the same time it’s bordering on hysteria. I am that annoying girl that finds dumb shit funny, but even I know when it’s excessive. Every time this happens, I have a freak out after. I’m going to workout over the weekend and hopefully that will help. 
    One thing that’s helping me now is actually realising that I am anxious. I always think blah blah social anxiety without actually focusing on the actual anxiety. The way it actually makes you feel physically. Knowing what it is helps. On Monday, I felt like I was going to throw up but I just focused on breathing and calming myself down because I knew it was anxiety. Progress. 

    Other than that, I’m still slacking on learning how to drive. For some reason I keep putting it off. By that I mean that I don’t want to get to know an instructor or anyone new right now. Ugh. However, I need to do it. 

    I’m also still trying to pick a Masters Degree topic. It would help if I knew what I wanted to do, but Writing A Successful Trilogy and Earning Enough Money To Live Comfortably is not offered by any universities that I’ve looked at. Bummer. 

    That’s about it. 

    I have a weird form of writer’s block. I can write but I’ve been so drained by February. I feel like I’m so behind that there’s no point catching up. Story of my life. 

    Is that the look of freedom, now?
    Is that the sound of freedom, now?
    ‘Cause it’s plain to see a man’s integrity
    By the way he treats those he does not need
    And it’s time we talk about it
    Let’s not waste our common ground
    We will fall for standing and watching, all in silence
    Dear Lord, are we numb? Where we going right now?

    Good song, even better message. ❤