Awkward Situations, Random Thoughts

shut up and drink your tea | Random Thoughts #27

Our first (not so random) thought is:

He has problems

Obviously this was my response to Bob this week. He posted some clip from movie with Jason Isaacs, who had some kind of drill attached to some dude’s mouth and I don’t even know. There was blood involved and I had to turn my phone away. I guess it was a horror movie [looked it up, it was A Cure For Wellness] of some sort.

In the next clip, Bob is sarcastically (at least that’s how I took it) saying that the movie had ‘fucking amazing cinematography’ and that he hoped we enjoyed that. I had to turn my phone away, bro. Fuck you. I seemed to move on though, because next he had a picture of his shoes which were cool. I would screenshot them, but yeah, Bob shall remain anonymous. Sort of anonymous. I would feel bad if he ever knew that I have dedicated multiple posts to mocking him. LOL. 

It would be hilarious, though. I’m mean that way. 😝

That bird is definitely about to poop on someone

This bird flew over me and made a nose that souned like an evil cackle. I kid you not. I was just laughing to myself. It sounded way too pleased with itself. I could just tell it was about to wreak havoc on someone. I’m glad that it wasn’t me. 

Pain, pain, go away

Everything hurts. Legs. Back. Arms. Wrists. Everything. I think it’s a result of going back to work after nine days off (woo!). This is how I used to feel the day after PE class but ten times worse. I’m guessing I have muscle sprains and strains. I am finally taking meds for it. Last week Aunt Flo was in town and I don’t like taking medication for that. This week… bleh. I need a new job. 

What the fuck do I do with it?

I have no idea what this thought was about but I’m sure I ask this question at least ten times a day. 

Obviously you do care!

Bob again. I was waiting for the kettle to boil so I checked out his story. 

Bob started off by saying that this is what his mornings look like. There was some serious bedhead, but the artfully tousled kind and not my kind where my hair is a bush and there’s crust on my eyes (but, hey, I’m sexy too! Just ask my postman). Anyway, after that he drinks his tea and he says that during this time he likes to look at his Instafeed. Okaaaay.

What he said next had me like….

He goes into this rant about how he has noticed that companies and certain people buy likes and followers which is stupid and wrong. He says that companies would probably deny it if asked but ‘he doesn’t care’ it’s up to them to do what they want. And THEN, he was like ‘it’s kind of narcissistic. It’s narcissism.’

I was LAUGHING SO HARD. 

Bob, you’re straight done. 

1. Huge difference between narcissism and deception. Buying followers and likes isn’t narcissism, it’s just dishonest and designed to deceive. 

2. Bob, brother, if we’re talking about actual narcissism, you’re part of the problem. Every picture on your feed is of YOURSELF! 

3. Shut up and drink your tea, Bob.

Anyway, I guess halfway through he decided to ‘act’ and jokingly tell someone to shut the fuck up because his story is way more important than theirs. By that point, I was convinced that the whole thing was some kind of spoof. I’m still not sure that I didn’t imagine it all. 

Either way, thanks for the laugh, Bob!

His cute friend made an appearance today…He was doing ‘curls for the girls’ as Bob put it. I think I’d probably punch Bob in the face if we were friends. I was contemplating following him [Bob’s cute friend], but I got thinking about how much room for stupidity I have left in my life. Work takes up most of the quota. Bob takes up a fair amount also. Hard pass. 

Also, they were at the gym which really annoys me. Part of why I’m too afraid (okay, so maybe I’m lazy) to go to the gym is all of this Snapchat and live video nonsense. Is nothing and nowhere sacred anymore?? I ended up in a Twitter video today, smh. Nothing special but still. Can you not?

Complete and utter madness

Everyone at my job is incompetent bar a few people. That’s all. 

I’m officially doing too much

Can someone PLEASE schedule my Bob intervention? Some of the bullshit he posts just makes my head hurt. I’ve also figured out how to save people’s stories (why? Every second I miss from Bob is a blessing!). 

I need help, guys. Please help me. 

Life, Random Thoughts

an overly self-conscious clown | Random Thoughts #26 (Jul 3rd – 9th)

I wore bright purple lipstick on Monday. Bright red lipstick on Tuesday. Glittery lilac eyeliner on Monday, black eyeliner on Tuesday. Black mascara on both days. After a week of not wearing make up it feels weird. I feel like some kind of overly self-conscious clown. Maybe I need subtle make up now. Dark eyeliner, dark lipstick. Or just lipgloss and nothing else. Why do I need make up at all? It’s so hot at work that I’m convinced it just melts off anyway. However, I see too many people for me to feel comfortable without doing anything to my face.

You know how it is. 

You wear make up and you get you look nice today. 

You don’t wear make up and you get you look tired.

I try to throw on eyeliner and lipstick to avoid those comments. 

Sometimes I still get them. 

Most of the time I just feel really weird. Like people are looking at me and judging my poor application skills. 

Left alone to me, I wouldn’t bother with any of it. Don’t get me wrong, I like make up, but it isn’t my life. I don’t need three coats of war paint to step outside. Although, sometimes I find myself doing that just to buy food and I look at myself and I think, ‘Gurl, what the fuck are you doing? This is a waste of perfectly good make up. And time.’

I waste twenty minutes putting it on when it takes less time to get to the shop. I could be on my way already. Where’s the logic? Yet, I keep doing it. At least it’s summer now so I can hide behind sunglasses. 

I’ve accepted that I have a sort of weird look in that I look sort of… uh, young. I have a very youthful face. I am not pretty or anything like that, but I’m not hideous. I don’t take great pictures but I think I look better in real life, lol. It’s either that or I wrap my face in gauze, so just go with it. 

However, I feel like make up on me looks like when a kid finds their mother’s make up and goes crazy. I look like I’ve been experimenting with that and I just happened to leave the house like that. My eyebrows are messed up. My eyeliner is wonky. My lipstick is always running off my face. I’m everything that one of those contour videos on YouTube isn’t. 

Messy, imperfect, flawed. 

Oily combination skin just makes everything worse. I always end up with panda eyes. I feel like it all sweats off me until I get home and it won’t come off. I’ll use cleaner, toner, coconut oil but nothing removes make up like sleep does. 

Say a prayer for my poor pillow. 

Anyway, all of that aside….

I got a notification for a live thing on Instagram and it was from the Backstreet Boys. I’ve watched some of their stories and it’s literally the same thing everyday. With that in mind, I clicked on it and it was basically some kind of weird after party thing? I have no idea what it was but they were playing THE SAME SONGS that pop up on their stories. All very annoying songs. It must be Top 40 kinda music because I hate all of it. I watched it for about five minutes before my sanity restored itself and I clicked out of it.

Contrast that to my Canadian husbands who posted a soundcheck to their story. A sound check that was mostly of the backstage area. It wasn’t flashy, it wasn’t even that long but it was perfect because it was just so normal. 

You’ll be pleased to note that I haven’t been on Instagram for a few days, though. Occasionally it happens! I wonder what Bob is up to. Probably adding to his shirtless picture collection on Dropbox or wherever he keeps them. Y’all know there’s a folder somewhere. I can’t be bothered to look. I’m trying to keep my Instagram use to weekend only. I’ll miss seeing Bob’s mundanity, but it’s for the best. 

Plus, I’m so behind on everything anyway because my internet was down for a full twelve hours. Shocking. I managed to write a whole Random Thoughts post in one sitting. Kind of like this one, but not this one. Lol! 

Or not because this is me adding more. I clicked on Bob’s thing out of frustration (just go with it) and it was him practising in an empty room again. I had the video on mute but I’m sure he said that he was ‘back at it’. 

Bob. I fully respect your right to post whatever mundane shit you want to. I even sort of respect your fondness of your own shirtlessness. What I don’t respect is you posting the same fucking shit over and over and over. At least change the angles. Throw some glitter everywhere. Or you know, go about your day without needing to inform Insta that you’re doing something. 

Although, I guess I can’t talk because I have a blog full of nonsense but still I need Bob to just focus on being pretty. And maybe he could hang out with his cute friend more. That’s it. All of the extra is unnecessary. 

This post spans my entire weekend because I checked out a few stories. I clicked on Kevin Richardson’s and it was looooooooong. I had to click out of it after a minute. I looked at Bob’s and it was surprisingly dead. I just realised that he’s barely posted all week. This is good for me because it means that I’ve barely been on Insta. I forgive Bob for his earlier snafu. Well. Not really. 

Moving on, I posted a story (fiction, not Insta) this week that was terrible but people liked it and I basically hid under a rock. I hate compliments. I have a post on that somewhere. Yeah. 

So. I have no idea when I’m going to post this, but it’s a new week so I shall create a new Random Thoughts post. 

Love and peace, people. 

ETA: finally posting it!

Awkward Situations, Life

Girl, can you shut up

Hello, snarklings!

You know I didn’t realise that I’d taken a blogging break until over the weekend? Sometimes I get lost in my own head and don’t realise it, but I’m back! 

Last week was relatively uneventful but this happened…


I was on my way home when I sort of crossed the road in a dodgy manner. I noticed these two guys stumbling outside of park and I was like, let me try and walk past unnoticed. 
Didn’t work. 

They gestured for me to take my headphones out (sigh…), asked me if I was alright (sigh…), asked me where I was from (sigh…). Tried to make me guess where one of them was from (final answer was ‘question mark’). 

This was all after midnight, so I’m tired, have a headache and want to go home. I’m hoping that they will go in one direction while I go in mine. 

My hope was unfulfilled. 

They say that they’ll walk me home because it’s late (oh, thank you? Where were they when I was walking home an hour later every day way back in December?).

Anyway, we start walking and one guy, the chatty one, asks me a lot of questions. The other one is quiet…bizarrely enough, he wanted my number but didn’t give me his when I said that I’d take it instead, but his friend gave me his number – but not his name? He told me to save it as Jack of Jill so I went with Rando. I think Rando said that the other guy doesn’t have a phone which explains the number malarkey. 

The number he gave me is an extra digit long as well but the upside is that there is someone out there with a picture of young!Arnold Schwarzenegger as their profile photo on WhatsApp and it’s hilarious. I have no idea if it’s one of these guys or not and I didn’t bother to find out.

Back to the story…

Oddly enough, little old quiet me wasn’t quiet for once. Oh, no, I was snarky, chatty, and I actually let them partially walk me home. The usual me would have doubled back and taken a different route just to make sure that they were gone. The usual me would not have said a word. 

However, my aversion to people tends to temporarily malfunction when I’m tired, irritated and have a headache. I was/had all three and talking to these guys actually distracted me from that. I, of course, had a bright yellow bag with me which I’m never taking out again. Clearly it will attract all sorts, lol. 

At one point, they were almost jogging to keep up with me and they continued to try and guess where I worked. The funny guy asked me why I was in a rush. Fam, it’s after midnight and I’m on my way home from work, I’m not really going to be taking my time. I’m not that big of an idiot.

Anyway, me being the introverted social anxiety sufferer that I am, I’ve now replayed it a million times in my head. The running theme of the conversation was where I worked (they would guess, I would say no). That was because I told them I was on my way back from work and also sort of mentioned the area that I worked in before I finally had a brainwave and I was like, girl can you shut up. 

How do I go from saying nothing to blabbing uncontrollably? I don’t babble at strangers. Ever. 

So I played it coy from that point on. It was nice to have someone to partially walk me home and we did have a funny conversation – I asked if they were chilling and they were like LOL NO AT THIS TIME? I just said, ‘well, you both look pretty comfortable that’s why I’m asking [as you stumbled out of the park at this unsociable hour].’ 

Maybe you had to be there, but still, it was interesting. One of them freely admitted that he was high and not making sense and I was just thinking…that explains a lot. 

However, like I said to my friend, I hope I never see them again…

  1. I am probably older than both of them.
  2. …. I’m not sure if approaching a female who’s on her own after midnight is a good thing? Is this a thing that people do outside of club areas? This was a residential area and there was no one else around. 
  3. For my own safety. My friend asked me if I was scared and I genuinely wasn’t. Maybe I should have been? LOL. 

      If you’re wondering why these guys were even interested in me at all, you’re not the only one. I looked absolutely awful.  I wasn’t wearing a single lick of make up. My hair was a mess, my face was greasy because it’s so hot. I was sweaty. I didn’t look hideous but I didn’t look special either. . 

      I guess it was just the perfect day for two strangers to show up and walk me home. 

      Bitchin', Random Thoughts

      I’m happy that you haven’t accidentally killed your cat| Random Thoughts #24

      You know how sometimes you know something is bad for you but you do it anyway? That’s me with Instagram. Like I’ve said many times, my Insta is dead. Some old grandpa followed and unfollowed me. That’s how dead it is. 
      I was flicking through it today and I had an interesting thought. 

      This is making me feel bad 

      It’s not even that people don’t like my pictures or anything like that, it’s just weird. People I used to speak to more or less ignore me when I try to be nice. By people I mean two of them, but whatever. What the fuck is this? High school? Imma unfollow them later. I’m petty like that.

      Anyway, it kind of feels like I’m in the middle of the desert screaming at people. Snark doesn’t work well on Instagram, it really doesn’t. At least not my snark. I’m just writing witty comments for the sake of it. 

      I kind of hate it all. 

      There’s Bob and his picture perfect life but that’s just funny to me because of the random nonsense on his stories. Perfect pictures and complete and utter secondhand embarrassment in the stories. It’s like constant entertainment when I have time to watch it. I haven’t for about a week now due to some drama and a crazy week but I think that’s for the best. He was the reason I rejoined in the first place. Yes, it’s true. I wanted to like his pictures or comment with, “Dude, what are you doing?” and I have the app on my phone anyway, so I was like, ‘why not?’

      I was laughing at peach yogurt yesterday, guys. It was sad. That’s also why not. 

      Anyway, I don’t have a problem with Bob really, or any celebrities and whatever they choose to post. I expect fake bullshit from them. 
      So I guess it’s normal people who irk me the most. 

      There’s no real effort to communicate on there, or too educate or inspire or even entertain. It’s just me me me me food food me me me me ooh, click on heart! 

      Nah, son, it’s cool. I’m not a robot. You’re not that interesting. Literally. I know what you look like already. I’m happy that you eat food. I’m happy that you haven’t accidentally killed your cat. I’m even happier that you’re so fucking happy. 

      I’ve found that looking at tags is the best way to use Instagram but only when I’m bored or so. I have a ton of drafts saved that I’ll drag out over the course of year, but other than that, I am still not feeling it.

      I was on Facebook recently to reply a comment and honestly, my presence on Facebook is like when you step into a room and it goes silent and you vow never to do it again. That’s me. I sign on and immediately regret it. 

      I learnt a long time ago and that I’m not the kind of person who can deal with certain types social media in a healthy way, so I avoid it.

      However, sometimes it’s hard when you feel like you’re disconnected from the world. 

      Although, it kind of feels like that on social media anyway. 

      I don’t know who these shiny, pretty, filtered people are. Not really. They’re snapshots of falsehood and who has time for that? 

      Not me! 

      I’m gonna go back to definitely not mocking Bob for snark purposes (his captions make my head hurt) and just ignore everyone else. 

      ETA: Bob ended up being cancelled this week. I wasn’t really sure why until I wrote this gem in my journal:

      I think the world needs their weekly shirtless Bob update to make them feel bad about their chubby selves. 

      Ouch. 

      Why so glum, chum? Lol, I’m not sure what Bob did to me. Poor Bob. He had a live thing going yesterday and I was tempted to click on it but live video is another thing that creeps me out. I’m not even going to go into it. 

      Anyway, that’s all on this topic. 

      Every time I have time off I find myself messing around on social media but honestly, I’m gonna try and waste my time on other things. I’m too lazy to take and post perfect selfies. Especially on my days off when I look like Cousin Itt with a purple bandana on. 

      peace

      Bitchin', writing

      stay in your lane

      Hello, people. I am here to snark, rant, consciously uncouple my feelings, whatever you want to call it. 

      Let’s just say that this post is about writing about bees. 

      Writing about bees is common, people reading it is even more common. I could write two thousand words about bees and I’m sure everyone would love it. Bees are everywhere and anywhere and people naturally gravitate towards it. It’s popular with everybody. 
      Everyone but me. 

      See, I am not a trend follower. If I was, maybe I would have been a popular writer but I like to be different. I like to write what I would like to read. 

      Continue reading “stay in your lane”