Awkward Situations, Life, Random Thoughts

i’m trying | Random Thoughts #28

Mood

See this post
Shit that happened

So I was at the butchers and I gave my order and made sure to avoid eye contact because they are always creepy. I looked up around the time that it should have been ready and I saw the guy serving me blowing kisses through the mirror. I was wondering what the fuck he was doing when I realised that he was blowing kisses at me. I just smiled awkwardly because it’s not like I was about to leave without my goods. There was also another guy Who was just STARING at me so much that the one blowing kisses asked if I knew him. 

My life is so exciting. 

Shortly after that, the bag split. I also realised that my backpack was open the entire time that I was at the ATM, and my phone was in there. To make things worse, I kept leaving my bag open multiple times. At one point someone actually pointed it out to me. I definitely needed a chaperone that day. 

What else has been going? Too much chocolate that’s for sure. I’ve lost a lot of weight over the past few months but not enough. And not where it counts!

Bob

I am concerned about Bob. 

First he posted a picture of some guy relieving himself by a tree in broad daylight. Yeah, it’s a douche move but taking a picture just proves that you have too much time on your hands. I haven’t actually seen any of his videos because I can’t be bothered. I have a few saved but I see that he was at a concert of some sort and I was just like, nope. I’ll save what I have for the next RT. It’s almost like I’ve conducted my own intervention but really I’ve been a foul mood all week and I need to be in my right mind to view Bob’s narcissism and all around shallowness. Did I mention that he posted a picture of lemonade? How 2016. 

ETA: Still haven’t watched any of his videos. Right now there are none up either so I’m taking it as a sign. I did like the picture (accompanied by stupid caption as per usual) he posted. 

You know, I don’t think my captions are any better. I have one saved in drafts that reads ‘the cupcake of chip-ions’. 

It’s a picture of my homemade chocolate chip cupcakes. 

I’m a hypocrite aren’t I? Does this mean that I owe Bob an apology for mocking him? 

Nah. Sorry, Bob! Wait…

Anyway, Bob appears to be at some wine tasting with Mrs Bob. I tend to avoid videos with her in them because there’s no need I bring someone else into my ridicule and also she sort of ruins the whole eye candy thing for me. Is that weird? Am I being weird? Lol. Redundant question. I’ll add them to the growing pile of videos.

Intervention progress level: 50%

Saturday

I went shopping. Oh my God. So I’m pretty sure I’m reacting to medication or work. Today I went to the area where I work and I was shopping and I just felt sick the entire time. I’m talking heart racing, nausea, dizziness, feeling hot. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I hate shopping so much. Too many people, too much anxiety and too much hell no. Oh and too much money spent. I can just do that online, lol. It was so awful. I won’t be doing it again.

I’m trying

Again, I worry that I’m disappearing but people can reach out, right? I’ll reply eventually. Most of the time. I might need a nudge or two these days. I’m not really okay, but it feels like a competition these days. I’m in pain, you’re in pain too. I’m sad, you’re sad too. I’m lonely, you’re lonely too. I’m sure I’m guilty of it too, more so than others, but I can’t deal with other people sometimes. 

However, I’m trying. 

Chester

You know, when I heard that Chester Bennington died, I felt bad for not keeping up with Linkin Park of late. I have no idea why. I’m not going to pretend that he changed my life or anything, just acknowledge that they were a huge part of my music library library for many years. What was interesting to me was how many people kind of made his death about them? We call it ‘paying tribute’, but is it really? Why do people have to die for us to acknowledge what they’ve done? It’s kind of sad. It’s sad that people have turned death into a weird social media bragging contest about how much so and so meant to them. I don’t get it. 

Is suicide selfish?

What do you guys think? You know how you think your stance is dead set on something, but then you realise that it isn’t? Yeah, that. We’re a complicated species. 

Creative shit

I’m making earrings now.  It’s much harder than it looks! Fuuuuuck. I think this is the most scattered post yet. 

💜

Bitchin', Random Thoughts

I’m happy that you haven’t accidentally killed your cat| Random Thoughts #24

You know how sometimes you know something is bad for you but you do it anyway? That’s me with Instagram. Like I’ve said many times, my Insta is dead. Some old grandpa followed and unfollowed me. That’s how dead it is. 
I was flicking through it today and I had an interesting thought. 

This is making me feel bad 

It’s not even that people don’t like my pictures or anything like that, it’s just weird. People I used to speak to more or less ignore me when I try to be nice. By people I mean two of them, but whatever. What the fuck is this? High school? Imma unfollow them later. I’m petty like that.

Anyway, it kind of feels like I’m in the middle of the desert screaming at people. Snark doesn’t work well on Instagram, it really doesn’t. At least not my snark. I’m just writing witty comments for the sake of it. 

I kind of hate it all. 

There’s Bob and his picture perfect life but that’s just funny to me because of the random nonsense on his stories. Perfect pictures and complete and utter secondhand embarrassment in the stories. It’s like constant entertainment when I have time to watch it. I haven’t for about a week now due to some drama and a crazy week but I think that’s for the best. He was the reason I rejoined in the first place. Yes, it’s true. I wanted to like his pictures or comment with, “Dude, what are you doing?” and I have the app on my phone anyway, so I was like, ‘why not?’

I was laughing at peach yogurt yesterday, guys. It was sad. That’s also why not. 

Anyway, I don’t have a problem with Bob really, or any celebrities and whatever they choose to post. I expect fake bullshit from them. 
So I guess it’s normal people who irk me the most. 

There’s no real effort to communicate on there, or too educate or inspire or even entertain. It’s just me me me me food food me me me me ooh, click on heart! 

Nah, son, it’s cool. I’m not a robot. You’re not that interesting. Literally. I know what you look like already. I’m happy that you eat food. I’m happy that you haven’t accidentally killed your cat. I’m even happier that you’re so fucking happy. 

I’ve found that looking at tags is the best way to use Instagram but only when I’m bored or so. I have a ton of drafts saved that I’ll drag out over the course of year, but other than that, I am still not feeling it.

I was on Facebook recently to reply a comment and honestly, my presence on Facebook is like when you step into a room and it goes silent and you vow never to do it again. That’s me. I sign on and immediately regret it. 

I learnt a long time ago and that I’m not the kind of person who can deal with certain types social media in a healthy way, so I avoid it.

However, sometimes it’s hard when you feel like you’re disconnected from the world. 

Although, it kind of feels like that on social media anyway. 

I don’t know who these shiny, pretty, filtered people are. Not really. They’re snapshots of falsehood and who has time for that? 

Not me! 

I’m gonna go back to definitely not mocking Bob for snark purposes (his captions make my head hurt) and just ignore everyone else. 

ETA: Bob ended up being cancelled this week. I wasn’t really sure why until I wrote this gem in my journal:

I think the world needs their weekly shirtless Bob update to make them feel bad about their chubby selves. 

Ouch. 

Why so glum, chum? Lol, I’m not sure what Bob did to me. Poor Bob. He had a live thing going yesterday and I was tempted to click on it but live video is another thing that creeps me out. I’m not even going to go into it. 

Anyway, that’s all on this topic. 

Every time I have time off I find myself messing around on social media but honestly, I’m gonna try and waste my time on other things. I’m too lazy to take and post perfect selfies. Especially on my days off when I look like Cousin Itt with a purple bandana on. 

peace

Life, Random Thoughts

that’s just plain not nice | Random Thoughts #23

There was a lack of random thoughts and Bob this week, but here’s what I had to say.

This week got old really fast. I also managed to sit through ten minutes of Bob without being compelled to take notes. Mostly because there was nothing noteworthy. 

Apart from the continued gratuitous shirtlessness. 

We get it, Bob, you work out and stuff. We thank you for that but request that you wear a shirt. Constant exposure to sunlight is bad for you, bud. See, I’m a caring individual! 

•

Music is awesome, sometimes. Anxiety isn’t. 

•

I plotted out a short story and I will get to work on it soon. It’ll be posted here, I guess. Ain’t nobody else gonna read it, that’s for sure, lol. I wish I was one of those people who has a huge writing group and whatnot, but that’ll never happened. Groups and I don’t get along. Too many people, too many potential voices that’ll drown me out. 

•

Recently, I connected with an old friend and she wants to meet up. I’m not against the idea but there’s something off. We barely communicate as it is, so…Plus I haven’t seen her in ten years. She was talking about driving up to another city to see another friend I haven’t seen in ten years. I was slightly baffled. Hoping she goes with something simple. Either way the ball is in her court and my attendance is currently set at TBD. 

•

I’m antisocial. Not really by choice, but through a combination of all sorts. Antisocial people get a bad rap. I’m talking about your standard run-of-the-mill quiet folk, not the I set fire to your car ha ha ha antisocial clique. We’re considered odd and weird but someone made us this way. Like how someone sat down and made root beer which is absolutely disgusting. It’s one of life’s inexplicable mysteries. 

•

I don’t like talking about my personal life because it makes it real. I will hint and keep it vague because this is how life is. I’m one way with everyone else and someone else at home. People are quick to judge, quick to other meaningless words and I have that. Still, is keeping it in any better? Probably not. 

•

Took my phone and iPod into the toilet wir me by accident. GURL, PLEASE. CONTROL YOURSELF. I have dropped multiple devices down the toilet. I like to think that I’ve learnt from my mistakes. 

Clearly I haven’t. 

•

I’m at the point where Bob is annoying me, because he seems to just post variants of the same shit and we’re in the middle of a heatwave here. Shirtless pictures don’t help. I want pictures of icebergs and cold stuff. Anything cold. Not sun, sea and terrible captions. Get it together, Bob. That’s just plain not nice. 

•

I have next week off work and nothing to do. I want to go out and just navigate. I guess I’ll do window shopping. Or whatever. Ideally, I’d love to take my laptop somewhere and write but that’s not going to happen. My laptop is heavy and old. I might make do with my phone, though. I also might try and do an online course. I did one about a year ago, a diploma in Sports Nutrition, lol. This year I might go for something that I’ve never touched on in my life. We’ll see. 

Random Thoughts

seeing cows in texas and the peach incident | Random Thoughts #20

I didn’t write down any random thoughts today, so. Here’s that rambling about Bob post that I was talking about. 

It’s all novel research, I swear. 

Is anybody there? We need to reschedule my Bob intervention. Anyway, I thought it go with a lighter post today. 

If you don’t know who Bob is, he’s a guy that I observe and silently mock on Instagram. He’s the epitome of why I don’t like social media, but in a harmless way. Mostly. I also still don’t get this new version of Instagram. 

I was going through my following list and I remembered that Milo Ventimiglia no longer posts publicly. His complaint was that he was getting too many comments about his acting (… Milo, considering this was before This Is Us, was that really such a bad thing?) and that no one cared about the pictures. I imagine that a lot of photographers feel that way. I used to love his posts, but that was way back in 2012. I quit before he did. 😂 And then I rejoined just to look at Bob’s posts. 

I promise you that it’s just research. And okay, fine, he’s pretty. 

Let’s jump into the title. The random thought was:

Why would you go to a safari in Texas? I’d just go and see the cows. 

I wouldn’t actually go and see the cows, but I never said that my thoughts made sense. Also cows deserve some love too. Why don’t we have cow safaris? 

Also:

Animals are cute until they open their mouths

That’s just mean, no matter how true it is. Shame on me. Cats are cute no matter what!

Anyway, why am I talking about cows? If I’ve posted the previous post, it should say that Bob is in Texas. I haven’t been looking at his videos much, but I ended up on his Instagram again out of guilt. I was watching some of his acting and just laughing. Full on belly laughter. I mean, I did concede that he had improved but it gave me a really good laugh. And then I felt bad because he’s trying. 

You can’t knock someone for trying. 

Unfortunately, his Instagram is still equal parts hilarious and cringe worthy. 

There was:

  • The aforementioned safari – Bob, I want to see the animals, not you panning to your face every five seconds. We know that it’s you making the video, and not only that we can hear you speaking! Fancy that. 
  • His animal baby talk isn’t cute. It’s not the worst, but it was still cringey
  • Gratuitous shirtless pictures – you have a nice body, we get it. 
  • Concert snippets. Why do people do this? It’s actually irritating. Enjoy your concert! This ten second clip isn’t benefiting anyone. At all. 
  • Bob singing along to Creep by REM – which suits him actually, because I am still side eyeing him after the peach incident which I will finally explain. I know you’re excited!
  • Bob letting animal tongue touch him. I. I just can’t. I’m not an animal tongue person.  
  • Vegan donuts – which is desert abomination right there. Sorry vegans. 

In terms of cringe, the whole thing gets 8/10.  

In terms of overanalyzing, I get 10/10 but let’s keep pretending that this is research. I’m going to write a novel about Bob dealing with his incessant need to overshare with Instagram.

Now, onto…

The Peach Incident

The peach incident was this really strange moment (to me at least) in one of Bob’s stories. I think it’s been long enough that no one else will know what I’m talking about. 

  • So, anyway, he’s driving and — despite the fact that I bothered my friend relentlessly with Bob updates, I can’t find verbatim quotes of what he said dammit – rambling, and out of nowhere he bites into a peach and says that he loves eating peaches, and that he can eat them all day.  

It was odd because of the look on his face.I knew that there was something I wasn’t getting, but I was confused as to how him driving and eating fruit was really the time and place for this. Bear in mind that it was around 5am for me. In the same video, there was something about him buying a dozen roses (idk who for). 

  • Side note: I wouldn’t accept a dozen roses from him. I’d probably have to spend an hour filming the perfect moment that he gave me the damn things. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
  • Unless I’m being paid but even then, no. 
  • I can’t believe that people really accept roses for money a la The Bachelor
  • Scratch that, I can

So, the same day or next day, I’m watching Being Mary Jane and one character whips out a peach in order to… show her dude how to… make the most of their alone time, particularly in relation to her (this is still PG! Well, not really. Sorry, I shall tag this post accordingly! 😂).

I was sitting there watching and….

Freaking bingo. 

This is so what Bob meant. 

There’s no way he genuinely loves eating peaches. At least not fruit peaches. It’s a euphemism* and somehow, I knew this, but I didn’t really need the full blown out awareness of it in my life.

I also don’t understand why he doesn’t just focus on the road. This goes out to anyone live broadcasting from their cars. You are the reason why I’m too scared to drive!

Anyway, this became The Peach Incident. Every time I see the word peach, I crack up. It’s a real problem. Peaches have been ruined because I just remember that look on his face, him biting into it and I start laughing to myself. 

If you see someone laughing at peaches outside, it’s probably me. 

Anyway, this entire post is about Bob, so here are some more random thoughts about him. Say what you want about him but he really brings out the best of me in terms of snark. If I posted half of what I say about his posts on his actual posts, I’d be blocked LOL. Or I’d recuse myself from his Instagram. 

Some highlights:

My face when I saw Bob’s earring, oh my god. At least get a nice earring, idk what that thing was.

I think I called it a struggle earring. LOL. 

I got a notification for a Bob post and I was just like, there’s no point in clicking it because it’ll be gone within two mins. Lo and behold….

Guess he has more airbrushing to do. I respect that.

I do! Being that pretty requires editing. I should know, I’m too lazy to do it and my pictures aren’t pretty. 

when I watch TV shows and something super embarrassing happens, I have to pause it and physically leave the room. That’s basically what I do with his videos. 

LMAO. It’s true. And I usually watch his videos at 5am so it’s just me cracking up in near darkness and trying not stumble over my shoes while I escape.

…. Yeah, I need to get a better hobby. 

*You know, I think it not being a euphemism would be even weirder than the actual video. So I’m choosing to believe that he meant it that way. Yes. Bye. I’m going to go and read all of these posts back and remind myself why we don’t focus on semi semi-famous people anymore. 

Life, Random Thoughts

a lonely life where no one understands you | Random Thoughts #19

Hello, people. It’s ‘Get A Freaking Diary, S!’ time. I’m sure that someone out there is enjoying my rambling. 

This weekend my friend and I came up with our own motivational/random quote. I’ll post it on Wednesday, but it’s awesome and nonsensical at the same time. Which kind of sums me up. Haha. 

Anyway, I’ll start by talking about Instagram again because I have no life.

  • Bob is in Texas this week. 
  • The picture he posted was slightly ridiculous. I mean, it was cool and all but I don’t get those people that take pictures of themselves in water. Aren’t they worried about dropping their phones? Bravery, y’all.
  • My Instagram is dead. The people posting pictures either don’t talk to me anymore, or I’m not really a fan of them anymore. I could search for stuff, I guess. Meh. 
  • Bob is basically the most active person on my Instagram. I mean, I’m still not sure what his contribution to society is besides broadcasting his face as much as possible, but then again, my contribution isn’t much either so, I cannot judge. 
  • I’ll wait until when I’m at peak boredom levels and not in a slight state of anxiety. 
  • I still don’t like his picture.
  • Every time I go to post, I get put off because it just feels so pointless. I posted a few pictures this week but I shall disappear for the time being

The Korn lyric/post title:

  • It’s true. 
  • I was thinking about my friend of ten years who I am no longer friends with. My feelings on that range from, that fucking bitch to…that fucking bitch. So they’re balanced feelings then. 
  • People understand perhaps, but I don’t think they give a hoot. 
  • I don’t blame them. Everyone wants to be understood, but there’s 7 billion of us and that’s too many people to give a shit about
  • I am weird anyway, so, not understanding me is okay. 
  • I don’t even understand myself. 

Random Thought of the Day

Was that dish covered? Oh my goodness, I hope it was! I don’t uunderstand. 

Considering that I’m not eating whatever the hell it was, I’m not sure why I’m so concerned but HELLO, BUGS AND STUFF. 

Writing update:

  • It’s going. 
  • Slowly
  • I cannot really do much with my hand. 
  • Yesterday I was on meds and trying to write, frustrated and this happened:

Hate it. Hate it. 

For one, my brain is foggy. 

I can’t control my hands very well so I keep making mistakes. So so many mistakes. I cannot keep a single thought together.

The ideas are coming but not in order. 

Still, I write, because I’m a masochist. I have to put myself through a different kind of pain while ridding​ myself of another. 

Time for a sleep methinks…Just spent five minutes staring at a wall. Also my shirt was inside out. 

Head is extra foggy. 

Anyway, more later. 

Uh, okay self… I love that I wasted time writing that instead of just sleeping. 

Real talk: please don’t compare me to other people

  • I don’t need you to project on me
  • I don’t need you to live vicariously through me
  • I don’t need you to guide me through life
  • I don’t need you to tell me that I’ve achieved nothing in life
  • I don’t need to hear you boast about how successful you’ve been when everyone can see that it not true
  • I don’t need your advice when everything I want in life is everything you turned out not to be
  • I don’t need you to rant and rave when I show no interest
  • I don’t need your negativity and poisonous mindset
  • I don’t need your abuse at all
  • I need you to get a clue and leave me alone

    Writing update 2

    • Finished a story!
    • I need to work on posting some more short stories on here. 
    • I need to work on my short story that’s sort of about me but isn’t. 
    • Finished another story. I’m on a roll. 
    • I will post the second story here because it’s original and based on a WordPress prompt. The other one is fanfic (yes, I dabble in such things). 

      Anyway, have a good week, people!

      Random Thoughts

      Are You Happy? | Random Thoughts #18

      I’m going with titles now for Random Thoughts just to keep things interesting

      • Someone I know in real life and see almost every day demanded to know my Instagram and I did EVERYTHING in my power to resist but it was getting awkward.
      • Just to clarify, my weirdness will now be exposed to someone I know in real life. Although, I think they have their suspicions. 
      • Anyway, while I was adding them, I checked Bob out and he is honing his craft. He does this by practising in front of an empty room, which is okay, I guess, but there’s only so many times I can see this and find it interesting. After that he’d either added some kind of filter to himself and I thought it was adorable. 
      • What is wrong with me?

      Anyway, I haven’t done any writing this week.

      • I’ve been reading some of my old stuff and it’s interesting. 
      • I can’t work out if I was a better writer then than I am now. 
      • Does anyone else have that feeling? You read back what you wrote and it’s good but you can’t remember what you felt like in the moment that you wrote it. 

      Remember when Random Thoughts was me posting an actual random thought that cracked me up. Well, here’s one. 

      You know you’re not happy when your response to ‘are you happy?’ is ‘fuck off’. 

      It was one of those dumb pop ups you get from certain apps, but still, the thought was amusing. 

      Blogging is a thing that I do

      • Sometimes, I want to quit
      • Delete and never come back to it
      • Why?
      • It’s a distraction. Both good and bad. Right now the pendulum is at bad
      • I worked hard to get myself from a place of emotional overinvestment to one of rationality and I won’t let anyone take me back. 
      • Vague, but you get it. I hope. 

        Thursday

        • Voted today. 

        • Fucking nervous about it but you know what, life goes on. 
        • I was feeling rather mellow after that and somehow Bob came to mind. I have no idea why. Anyway, I checked out his story on Instagram. He has a new profile picture. Meh. Old one was better. His story was cute, though. Seriously. Adorable and cute. 
        • I feel like I’m in the middle of a vicious cycle. 
        • WAIT – Bob did post a picture of an egg which made me roll my eyes. White people eat their eggs weird. Or well, anyone who eats their eggs like this:

        • I don’t get it. My idea of fried egg is more like scrambled. Cultural difference.
        • I have no idea why Bob decided to share his picture with us
        • He also shared his friend with us. His friend is cute. They’re both cute.
        • I need to shut up. 

          Moving on…

          • My hair looks cute today. I look about twelve years old. I don’t mind. I’m not getting any younger, SOBS. 
          • I still have an issue with my hand. I shouldn’t be blogging with it right now but I am anyway. I will explain more later. 
          • I am my own worst enemy

          Anyway, to answer the question, no I’m not happy, but is anybody? Truly? Is happiness a state of mind or an illusion? 

          There you go. 

          ❤

          Life, Random Thoughts

          Random Thoughts #16

          I’m going to bullet point this shit.

          • I need to swear less. I’ll start tomorrow. 
          • Bob, of my Instagram experiment, was the least annoying person when I flicked through it briefly
          • Seriously, Bob was the least annoying person
          • Bob, who I mocked for a month. 
          • Bob! His outfit was really strange in the last picture I saw. 
          • Anyway, yeah, Bob aside, there were drink pictures, fucking Supernatural pictures (I’m not sure why I don’t unfollow this person!), wedding pictures, other pictures etc. It made me feel bad about myself. I have no idea why?
          • This is why I no longer go on Instagram. 
          • Feeling listless and bored again. 
          • I posted 27 times on my other blog last month. That’s crazy. I need to shut up.
          • My long time friend unfollowed me at some point. She was like my day one snarkling, so that was sad. Guess I’m not interesting enough. 
          • Signed up to a bunch of online courses. 
          • My hands and arms are fucked up. I should probably take a blogging break for this reason but I can’t. I need at least one stable thing in life right now. 
          • Yeah.
          • The world is fucked up. 

          That’s every single random thought I’ve had in the past few minutes. 

          Damn.

          I’m weak so I just caved and watched Bob’s story. It was…Well, I had the volume low so I can’t make out what he was saying. He’s in Malibu filming himself instead of enjoying the view? The outfit looked better in the video. Also I like his sunglasses. That’s about it. I was only mildly embarrassed. Bob is still cancelled, because I haven’t forgiven him for whatever it is that he did. Or that I did to myself. Whatever. 

          I know. I’m weird. 

          • Now I feel sad.
          • Also, I couldn’t find my freaking I heart moustache vest that I sleep in and I am just going to sleep in what I have on. Adulthood, I have conquered you. 
          • About to eat cake at 5am 
          • Just got an alert to finish an abandoned story 
          • I miss writing.

          More later, alligators! 

          • More is now
          • So wasted a good four hours replying to blog comments. 
          • Got annoyed, closed comments
          • Made a new blog, deleted it because I was like, fuck it, it’s my blog and I’ll post what I want to!
          • I have decided to limit myself to one blog post per day on either blog. Making this today’s post. 

          And now I’m done for the day!