I have a new category called Angry Thoughts. It was just a matter of time. First post will be on its way. Random Thoughts is emptyyyy. I’ve been saving Bob’s stories to watch them over the weekend. Luckily, I’ve either missed some or he’s been quiet. Which is good because I think he was running out of things to post.
Onto the worst part about crying.
For me it’s not the act itself, but what comes with it and how it comes.
Need I say more?
Puffy red eyes
We can’t all cry prettily like they do on TV.
Cuts under my nose
Usually from toilet paper (damn, does it hurt!). I had to rub Vaseline on it.
Crying in public
It was ridiculous and I’m not sure what happened. I started having these chest pains and I was like, ‘I DON’T NEED THIS’ because my heart was pounding really fast and I’m pretty sure my feet were swollen and I have something wrong with my leg and just, I think it was probably a panic attack.
I know exactly why I had one, but it was awful. The worst part is that I walked past several people and they didn’t even notice. I’m invisible. Tell me something I don’t know. Eventually someone did spot that I was upset and they spoke to me and helped me calm down. That was super nice of them and I’m very grateful.
I also spoke to my friend about it and she was helpful. I’m so used to bottling every thing up all the time that I was so discombobulated and all over the place. I work really hard at controlling my outer appearance, if you like. I’ve been told by so many people that I’m hard to read or I’m “so quiet” and that’s for a reason. If I think you’re worth talking to, then that’s it. We’re cool. If I don’t, I won’t say a word to you. Life is too short to waste energy on people who don’t deserve it.
To cut a long story short, I woke up the next day and I was like fuck this and I blasted out New Kids On The Block while I was in the shower. It helped a lot. Boybands are my therapy. Lol!
It’s your lucky day, people, you get to find out ten things about me, lol.
1. What is your best childhood memory?
I just thought long and hard about this and I don’t have one. Or if I do, I don’t remember it. I tend to remember bad things. If you asked me what my worst memory is, I’d be able to tell you immediately.
I’m fun at parties.
My best adult memory is seeing Backstreet Boys and New Kids On The Block. NKOTBSB, forever, baby!
2. If you had a chance for a “do-over” in life, what would you do differently?
I would go back and never watch Supernatural. I feel like that show turned me into an alien for five years. I’d also try and be more… confident and put my foot down over certain things. When people make your decisions for you, there’s a lot of shit you want to to do-over.
I’d also go back and go and see Billy Talent play live before I realised that crowds and I don’t get along. At all.
And I’d end some friendships a lot earlier than I did, ’cause life is too short for all of the mental gymnastics I’ve done over certain people. I would eradicate all of the dilly dallying and just hit them with the silent treatment forever.
I would also go back and do over every single phone purchase I’ve made. I’m always buying obscure phones that I spend half of my time fixing. It’s good because I learn stuff, but damn, Gina, I just need things to work. That’s it. I need them to function as described.
3. How do you spend your free time?
Reading about current affairs, man. I’m always reading the news or Wikipedia articles. I’m boring but I’d be a kick ass partner during trivia night. Also, add blogging and observing a semi semi-famous person, writing and keeping up with sports to that list. Like I said, boring.
4. What are you most afraid of?
I could jokingly answer this with bugs. Or I could be serious and say being left alone. I don’t mind being alone, but to be alone forever is a scary thought. That’s too much time to think or impulse buy chocolate. I need a sidekick of some sort so that we could impulse buy other shit. Lol.
5. What was your most embarrassing moment?
I have several. Too many to mention. The most embarrassing is probably the time I walked into a glass door when in pursuit of this guy. I may or may not have been following him and he was aware and running towards freedom. My social cues were nonexistent then, so I followed an thwack.
Apparently you have to open doors first, even if they’re see-through.
Certainly got his attention that day.
6. What do you think about when you’re by yourself?
Absolute rubbish. Nonsense. Sometimes I cast my self in Daydream Motion Pictures and pretend that I’m somewhere else. Usually I’m obsessing over any interaction I’ve had in the past hour. Or week. My brain is a scary place at times.
7. Did you ever write a journal?
All the time. When I was younger I was known for being the girl who was always writing in books, lol. I used to let people read my ramblings as well. Kinda like a real time blog with IRL likes. I’ve always been ahead of my time, people.
8. Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?
Introvert. Talking exhausts me. I then replay conversations thousands of times and convince myself that whatever I said was stupid. I don’t do well with people that I don’t know. Eye contact is… You’re lucky if you get it from me. Phone calls? Not likely. Hanging out? In person? Probably not in this life time, bud, sorry. I think being an introvert is like having an allergic reaction to people.
9. What’s the one thing you would like to change about yourself?
See number 8. A confidence transplant would be nice, lol.
10. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Finally, an easy question!
Right now I’m watching Hit The Floor again. I have a LONG post coming up for it on the other blog. This crazy ass show cracks me up.
I’m also sort of watching House and The Wire but I am struggling at the moment in terms of paying attention to things so I’ve put them on pause.
That’s all for now. Like I said, I’m fun at parties! LOL!
This is so true. There was a situation at work before, and I was supposed to train someone but my coworker just steamrolled past me and did all of the talking. It was really frustrating but I’m used to it.
I think I’ve done the most talking in my life within the past six months due to work. There are some people who you can have a decent conversation with but often, it’s a fucking nightmare.
This usually happens when a one on one conversation becomes a three way conversation and I’m left standing there like a mannequin with a talk button. Eventually I become silent until I can slowly fade away, like Sean Spicer retreating into the bushes.
Every. Time. Every. Single. Damn. Time.
Gets talked over
Don’t mind me, I was just responding to the last fucking thing that you said.
No one pays attention
Hence why I just talk to myself. I don’t care if it’s weird. I DO WHAT I WANT.
So, I became acutely aware of how awkward I was a long time ago. It always seems to hit home when I’m out of my comfort zone. Like this week when I had to tell someone off at work. I don’t really speak to customers unless spoken to. Occasionally, if I’m feeling chatty (a rare occasion) I’ll have a few conversations, but apart from that I am quiet. This week however, I was tired and crabby and I had to finally speak up. And I felt so bad that I had to. I didn’t regret it but I’m not the kind of person that tells people off.
It kind of really hit me then that I am not the most confident person and that I’m just awkward.
The most telling indicator is always when I am recounting interactions. My dialogue always consists of uhms and ahhs because I am so quiet. Talking to me is probably really frustrating. I guess it’s like talking to a mime that occasionally breaks out of character. I just can’t help it, I guess. Sometimes when you over think each word that you say it’s just easier not to say anything.
I’m also extremely introverted, so it’s par for the course but sometimes I wish I was confident enough to just be myself without freaking out afterwards.
I hate saying no. Even when I really need to, I won’t say it. This is why I am already the resident pushover at my workplace. Anyway, digression aside, it is always awkward when people invite me places and I just don’t want to go. Usually I can justify my reasons but ultimately all that runs through my head is this is the last thing that I want to do.
2. It saves me money
I’m a cheapskate and I’m broke, so. I don’t have to pay for drinks or food or overpriced movie tickets. Instead I get to waste my little money on chocolate. What? I didn’t say I spend wisely.
3. I get to spend time on myself
I’m high maintenance. I need a LOT of time to be me. And jam to 90s pop music.
4. It allows me to be an introvert in peace
The worst thing for me is feeling awkward around people due to social anxiety. I feel like I look wrong and that everyone is looking at me. So I will probably switch off halfway through our shindig and I hate that. It is the worst feeling ever to not be able to communicate because your brain needs to recharge and on top of that, I’m worrying about what a bunch of strangers think of me.
I’m a party pooper, y’all.
5. I get to be weird without any judgements
Weird. Quirky. Whatever. I pride myself on being who I am. When I manage to get over my hang ups, I sing to myself and walk into things and also talk to myself. Doing all of that in private is probably better for everyone.
So, I’m happy for my invites to continue getting lost in the mail.
Or rather, the lack of mystery because it’s cause is always the same thing. Some form of anxiety, or an esteem issue. You name it. Most of us have experienced it at least once.
In my case, I am pretty introverted and that makes for some awkward conversations. I think there are a lot of misconceptions about introverts. For instance, I don’t shield myself with a dark umbrella and live in a box. Nor do I consider myself to be shy. I just don’t like talking to people that I don’t know very well because it’s exhausting.
It’s not that there’s anything wrong with those people, it’s just that conversations require energy. Now if someone out there wanted to locate the introvert energy source (that isn’t caffeine because I’d rather not have to pee a million times) and come up with a way to recharge it, I’d be all ears.
Until then, I will have to go through the same phases of internal panic that I do any time I speak to someone that I don’t know. I should stress that for me, I can talk to people who say something to me, but initiating conversations is the hard part. I spend so long thinking about it that I exhaust myself before I can say a word. Continue reading “The mystery of internal panic during awkward conversations”→