In which I post three words and turn them into one story. Feel free to join in.
I’m not really sure why I agreed to date a total stranger on Valentine’s Day. Wasn’t this day supposed to be about people you love? It’s not like I was going to fall for this guy. He was more muscle than brain, he’d already made at least two vampire steak jokes and he was contemplating taking me to watch Fifty Shades of Whatever The Latest Crapfest Is Called.
I told him that I’d rather watch my own eyeballs do the samba. He laughed at me and said something, like, ‘Oh yeah, that’s my favourite sport too.’ I figured that his mouth was just set to bullshit.
My suspicions were confirmed when the conversation turned to the most outlandish people he’s dated. It was somewhere around this point that I realised that I didn’t remember his name. He was busy waxing lyrical about some girl called Candy when I signaled over the waiter and demanded more wine.
“So, Candy was last year but the worst one has to be when I managed to hook up with my friends grandmother.”
It was only the thought of wasting precious (and expensive) wine that stopped me from spitting it out.
“You’re kidding, right?” I asked him. It was probably the most vocal I’d been in the past fifteen minutes.
The guy shrugged. “I’d just gotten the sack from my old job and you know, I bumped into her and one thing led to another.”
“There are several steps missing in that story,” I said instantly. I was itching to get a notepad and write all of this down but his face began to redden.
“You know, we were drunk and it just happened.”
I raised an eyebrow. “What were you drinking? Absinthe? How does something like that just happen? Does your friend know?”
He began to fidget nervously. “Actually, you’re the only person I’ve told.”
I didn’t attempt to conceal my grimace before I finished the rest of my wine. Clearly, this was a waste of time.
“Listen….” I paused in the hopes that he’s offer his name.
“Tom,” he said quickly, his eyes anywhere but in my direction.
“This has been interesting, but I’m going to go home and watch a movie. Something with enough explosions to help me forget this terrible date.”
“Okay, yeah, that’s probably for the best.”
We parted ways amicably and I was surprised to hear my phone going off when I stepped into my Uber.
I had a great time despite the awkward ending! Wanna do it again sometimes?
With an eye roll, I deleted the text and changed his contact name to Dumb Brady.