Life, Random Thoughts

an overly self-conscious clown | Random Thoughts #26 (Jul 3rd – 9th)

I wore bright purple lipstick on Monday. Bright red lipstick on Tuesday. Glittery lilac eyeliner on Monday, black eyeliner on Tuesday. Black mascara on both days. After a week of not wearing make up it feels weird. I feel like some kind of overly self-conscious clown. Maybe I need subtle make up now. Dark eyeliner, dark lipstick. Or just lipgloss and nothing else. Why do I need make up at all? It’s so hot at work that I’m convinced it just melts off anyway. However, I see too many people for me to feel comfortable without doing anything to my face.

You know how it is. 

You wear make up and you get you look nice today. 

You don’t wear make up and you get you look tired.

I try to throw on eyeliner and lipstick to avoid those comments. 

Sometimes I still get them. 

Most of the time I just feel really weird. Like people are looking at me and judging my poor application skills. 

Left alone to me, I wouldn’t bother with any of it. Don’t get me wrong, I like make up, but it isn’t my life. I don’t need three coats of war paint to step outside. Although, sometimes I find myself doing that just to buy food and I look at myself and I think, ‘Gurl, what the fuck are you doing? This is a waste of perfectly good make up. And time.’

I waste twenty minutes putting it on when it takes less time to get to the shop. I could be on my way already. Where’s the logic? Yet, I keep doing it. At least it’s summer now so I can hide behind sunglasses. 

I’ve accepted that I have a sort of weird look in that I look sort of… uh, young. I have a very youthful face. I am not pretty or anything like that, but I’m not hideous. I don’t take great pictures but I think I look better in real life, lol. It’s either that or I wrap my face in gauze, so just go with it. 

However, I feel like make up on me looks like when a kid finds their mother’s make up and goes crazy. I look like I’ve been experimenting with that and I just happened to leave the house like that. My eyebrows are messed up. My eyeliner is wonky. My lipstick is always running off my face. I’m everything that one of those contour videos on YouTube isn’t. 

Messy, imperfect, flawed. 

Oily combination skin just makes everything worse. I always end up with panda eyes. I feel like it all sweats off me until I get home and it won’t come off. I’ll use cleaner, toner, coconut oil but nothing removes make up like sleep does. 

Say a prayer for my poor pillow. 

Anyway, all of that aside….

I got a notification for a live thing on Instagram and it was from the Backstreet Boys. I’ve watched some of their stories and it’s literally the same thing everyday. With that in mind, I clicked on it and it was basically some kind of weird after party thing? I have no idea what it was but they were playing THE SAME SONGS that pop up on their stories. All very annoying songs. It must be Top 40 kinda music because I hate all of it. I watched it for about five minutes before my sanity restored itself and I clicked out of it.

Contrast that to my Canadian husbands who posted a soundcheck to their story. A sound check that was mostly of the backstage area. It wasn’t flashy, it wasn’t even that long but it was perfect because it was just so normal. 

You’ll be pleased to note that I haven’t been on Instagram for a few days, though. Occasionally it happens! I wonder what Bob is up to. Probably adding to his shirtless picture collection on Dropbox or wherever he keeps them. Y’all know there’s a folder somewhere. I can’t be bothered to look. I’m trying to keep my Instagram use to weekend only. I’ll miss seeing Bob’s mundanity, but it’s for the best. 

Plus, I’m so behind on everything anyway because my internet was down for a full twelve hours. Shocking. I managed to write a whole Random Thoughts post in one sitting. Kind of like this one, but not this one. Lol! 

Or not because this is me adding more. I clicked on Bob’s thing out of frustration (just go with it) and it was him practising in an empty room again. I had the video on mute but I’m sure he said that he was ‘back at it’. 

Bob. I fully respect your right to post whatever mundane shit you want to. I even sort of respect your fondness of your own shirtlessness. What I don’t respect is you posting the same fucking shit over and over and over. At least change the angles. Throw some glitter everywhere. Or you know, go about your day without needing to inform Insta that you’re doing something. 

Although, I guess I can’t talk because I have a blog full of nonsense but still I need Bob to just focus on being pretty. And maybe he could hang out with his cute friend more. That’s it. All of the extra is unnecessary. 

This post spans my entire weekend because I checked out a few stories. I clicked on Kevin Richardson’s and it was looooooooong. I had to click out of it after a minute. I looked at Bob’s and it was surprisingly dead. I just realised that he’s barely posted all week. This is good for me because it means that I’ve barely been on Insta. I forgive Bob for his earlier snafu. Well. Not really. 

Moving on, I posted a story (fiction, not Insta) this week that was terrible but people liked it and I basically hid under a rock. I hate compliments. I have a post on that somewhere. Yeah. 

So. I have no idea when I’m going to post this, but it’s a new week so I shall create a new Random Thoughts post. 

Love and peace, people. 

ETA: finally posting it!

Awkward Situations, Life

Getting Caught Up In My Own Weirdness

This is me in a nutshell, although sometimes I think life would be easier if I was normal. Sometimes I get so caught up in the weirdness that I can feel the point at which it goes from being funny to ‘omg can this girl shut the fk up’. 

So, I’m going to give my long suffering break and bring the weirdness here for a bit. I will give you guys a daily log of weirdness. I’m serious. Or we can just file it under Random Thoughts like I’ve been doing? Yeah, that’s better. Anyway. Bye!

Awkward Situations, Bitchin', Life

5 Unexpected Life Lessons

Well, they’re not unexpected but it made for a catchier title. Sorry*.

1. Apologies don’t really mean much. 
(*I wasn’t sorry.)

Look, I’ll be the first to admit that I have warped views on apologies. I’m sensitive in certain situations and I know that what I feel is wrong might be okay to someone else. That’s because they’re an idiot and I’m civilised, but whatever, I’m not sweating on that.  That being said, people forcing me to apologize or forcing someone to apologize doesn’t sit right with me. It’s false and doesn’t hold much weight. I learnt this when I realised that someone’s apology meant little to me because of how they reacted after the incident. An apology should be a formality and not a battle. A simple acceptance that wrong has been committed and not I’m sorry that you felt way. Approximately one year ago, my good friend said something that I’ll probably never truly forgive her for. I’m over it, but for myself. I used to think that I caused the situation but meh. I didn’t.  Continue reading “5 Unexpected Life Lessons”

Awkward Situations, Life, Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts #13

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You know what, I don’t need any peach inspired nightmares tonight

I uttered this upon preparing to watch a story by my favourite narcissist person on Instagram. I may not have learned my lesson, but I’d like a nightmare free weekend!

Also, I need to chill on Instagram. I’m not on it 24/7 by any means, but there’s still something about it that makes me feel uncomfortable. Almost like I’m a hipster with hipster amnesia who’s forgotten that Instagram is beneath me (obv that’s an analogy ’cause hipsters embraced Instagram years before the rest of us. Duh!).

That being said I’m going to have to wean myself off it slowly. Cold turkey never works for me. Le sigh. 

A to Z Challenge 2017, Awkward Situations

ugly days – #AtoZChallenge

So, I decided to go make up free this week. By make up I mean eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow, brow pencil and lipstick (although I wore lip gloss instead).

Monday, I looked disastrous. My hair is long overdue a spruce up so I’ve just been tying a scarf on it but it looks awful. Plus I was running late so I looked like a hot mess.

Tuesday, more of the same.

By Wednesday, I was avoiding looking at myself in the mirror.

I ditched concealer and foundation because it was getting too much and they’re not good for my skin, but sometimes I just always feel so self conscious without anything on my face. I call these instances my ugly days. Usually on those days, the make up goes on, but I wanted to air out my face this week. Plus, my eyes watered for about fifteen minutes straight in public so in a way, I’m glad that I held my resolve. Continue reading “ugly days – #AtoZChallenge”

Life, Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts #11

More Instagram rambling. I always feel like an awkward grandma when I’m on social media so I’m sharing my journey with you all. Enjoy, LOL.

So, today, I watched some stories. I follow less than 30 people so there’s only ever usually two that need to be watched. One was of some guy in his car. I’m fairly certain that he wasn’t saying anything. I mean, his lips weren’t moving but I also didn’t unmute the video, so…It was weird. I was just wondering why he was looking directly at the camera. Maybe I will unmute it next time. Anyway, his dog is cute, though! The next one was just general stuff by a friend of mine.  Continue reading “Random Thoughts #11”

A to Z Challenge 2017

surprises – #AtoZChallenge 

I don’t like surprises. Not in real life, books, movies, shows, anywhere. I can’t stand them. Why? Well, ’cause they catch you unaware. I’m the kind of person that reads the end of books, reads the plot of movies and shows on Wikipedia, and whatever else one does to avoid surprises. 

Let’s break it down. 

Nice surprises

They’re okay, I guess. I would be the worst person to surprise. I will ask ‘what is it?’ a million times if I need to. Otherwise, I’ll be embarrassed. Or self-conscious, and nobody needs to see that. 

Bad surprises

I’d rather just know. I hate not knowing. I need to be prepared for everything. I can’t take it when I don’t know something and it’s bad.  This includes the deaths of fictional characters. I have crying over anything that isn’t real so I deliberately spoil myself so that I’m prepared. That’s probably weird but I’m not stranger to weirdness, lol! 

Real life bad surprises are everything that I run away from. Betrayal, sad things, horrible friends. No thank you. Life is bad enough. 

Unusual surprises

Ugh. The worst kind. I need to be mentally aware of everything at all times. I hate unusual surprises because I have to wonder about the logic and then try and make sense of it all – like this new obsession with unicorns, what’s up with that? – and I overthink things. A lot. 

To conclude, my dislike of surprises comes down to my somewhat controlled appearance. I’m not the kind of person that likes to express too much in front of others. Usually, I’ll laugh, but I’m always laughing. Anything else is off limits, lol.