Life

It’s been one of those weeks…

I’m not in a complete state of apathy but I’m close. I just can’t be bothered anymore. I have no motivation, no drive, no energy, just a lingering sense of discomfort. 

I have emails to reply, but they lie in wait for months at a time. 

I have comments, but I can’t even bring myself to load the page. 

Text messages, I can just about stomach. 

I have writing to do, but that’s a whole other post. 

I have things that I need to do for myself, but what’s the point? 

Everything else? Fuck it. 

It is possible that I need to stop watching a TV show that is literally just about murder. There are too many fucked up people in the world damn. 

Trust no one. Become a hermit. Never leave your house. Quadruple lock the doors. That’s basically the message I get from True Crime shows. 

The news is another area that’s just utterly depressing. Sometimes it’s hard to get up and see any positives. I see people posting about enjoying life and I’m wondering how are you not shitting your pants right now? Every day, there’s something more messed up in the news. It’s crazy. 

Anyway, yeah, I’m in a weird mood and my dinner is about as appealing as sharing an elevator with a skunk. So, I wrote this instead. 

Life

Boredom

The thought always comes, like a random jolt to the brain. 

I’m bored.

Let’s face it, we all get bored. If we didn’t, why would we do anything? Out of necessity, maybe, but also because we need to be stimulated somehow. 

However, for many years, I’ve found myself doing nothing. I might have been studying, working, writing, goofing off etc, but given where I find myself today, it feels like nothing. 

Take that feeling and add in apathy and you get a lingering sense of real boredom. Not the I haven’t been occupied for an hour and need something to do kind of boredom, but the kind where I wake up and wonder what the point is. Why do we get up and do the same thing all over again? Why do I get up and do the same thing over again?

I’m a creature of habit. My most recent interest was something that took up my time well enough but this pressing boredom ensured that I ruined it. I focused on it everyday until I was sick of it too. That was followed by something else and well, it’s less boredom and more eliciting bizarre dreams, but whatever, I have to move on from that too. 

Now, I have to search for yet another hobby but it’s tiring. I don’t want to feel this restlessness and life is passing me by. It’s not even a comparison thing. I see pictures of people out and about but I’m aware enough to know that they might feel as trapped as I do. It’s not about doing things – I do things. Not a lot, but it counts! I don’t feel like I need to do more because I’m not interested in anything. 

Maybe that’s the issue. 

Blogging has been a great help over the past seven months, especially this little side blog of mine. I love my other blog but it serves a different purpose for me. 

Still, it’s not quite filling that hole that I feel. There’s still something missing. Is it friends? I realised a few days ago that I have noticeably less emails this year. Usually I have a long chain going with someone but there’s nothing. And I don’t particularly want to initiate anything. So, it’s just me in my own little world. 

And I wouldn’t mind if that didn’t mean that I’m focused on my own shortcomings a lot of the time. 

Usually, I can fill the void with hyoerfocus on something but I always desperately try to avoid the obvious. 

Boredom isn’t just boredom but a gateway to all of the emotions that I keep locked away. The self doubt, the lack of self-esteem, the low confidence, the fact that being in public sometimes makes me want to hide forever and the fact that I always feel like I’m playing a version of myself with so many people. Some people know certain things and some people don’t know certain things. It feels like I’m always hiding, but the one person I can’t hide from is myself. 

I have no idea is this is depression, low mood, anxiety, or whatever name we give it. At this point, the terms don’t matter. I have no idea what matters. All I know is that I’d rather not think about it at all. 

I seriously need a new hobby. 

(Normal snarky service will be resumed shortly.)

Life

I’m a cucumber with anxiety

A friend and I were discussing anxiety this week and I realised that I kind of hate discussing it in public. I always think that people with either think less of me or that I should just shut up because everyone has problems.

But, I am doing the ‘Abandon Your Comfort Zone‘ challenge as listed here. I’m going to share a few things that have been on my mind regarding anxiety.  Continue reading “I’m a cucumber with anxiety”

Life, things that people say

I’m Always Here If You Want To Talk

Things That People Say: I’m always here if you want to talk

What (some of them) mean: I’m just saying it to be nice. I don’t really want to lend you my shoulder because I just don’t.

These people are the worst. Some maybe have no clue what to say. I remember when I was away from home and going through a rough time. I confided in a few friends. One of them basically ignored it. The other one got back a few weeks later with an emoji. I said nothing but I have pulled away from them both. Sorry that I have problems and whatnot. If it had been a matter of life of death, that would have been it. In the end, intervention came in the form of a website called https://www.elefriends.org.uk. It was just what I needed and soon after life became the distraction I needed from well, life. So, if you ever feel alone and sad – check out that site. Or blog about it. Whatever works 🙂