Awkward Situations, Life, Random Thoughts

i’m trying | Random Thoughts #28

Mood

See this post
Shit that happened

So I was at the butchers and I gave my order and made sure to avoid eye contact because they are always creepy. I looked up around the time that it should have been ready and I saw the guy serving me blowing kisses through the mirror. I was wondering what the fuck he was doing when I realised that he was blowing kisses at me. I just smiled awkwardly because it’s not like I was about to leave without my goods. There was also another guy Who was just STARING at me so much that the one blowing kisses asked if I knew him. 

My life is so exciting. 

Shortly after that, the bag split. I also realised that my backpack was open the entire time that I was at the ATM, and my phone was in there. To make things worse, I kept leaving my bag open multiple times. At one point someone actually pointed it out to me. I definitely needed a chaperone that day. 

What else has been going? Too much chocolate that’s for sure. I’ve lost a lot of weight over the past few months but not enough. And not where it counts!

Bob

I am concerned about Bob. 

First he posted a picture of some guy relieving himself by a tree in broad daylight. Yeah, it’s a douche move but taking a picture just proves that you have too much time on your hands. I haven’t actually seen any of his videos because I can’t be bothered. I have a few saved but I see that he was at a concert of some sort and I was just like, nope. I’ll save what I have for the next RT. It’s almost like I’ve conducted my own intervention but really I’ve been a foul mood all week and I need to be in my right mind to view Bob’s narcissism and all around shallowness. Did I mention that he posted a picture of lemonade? How 2016. 

ETA: Still haven’t watched any of his videos. Right now there are none up either so I’m taking it as a sign. I did like the picture (accompanied by stupid caption as per usual) he posted. 

You know, I don’t think my captions are any better. I have one saved in drafts that reads ‘the cupcake of chip-ions’. 

It’s a picture of my homemade chocolate chip cupcakes. 

I’m a hypocrite aren’t I? Does this mean that I owe Bob an apology for mocking him? 

Nah. Sorry, Bob! Wait…

Anyway, Bob appears to be at some wine tasting with Mrs Bob. I tend to avoid videos with her in them because there’s no need I bring someone else into my ridicule and also she sort of ruins the whole eye candy thing for me. Is that weird? Am I being weird? Lol. Redundant question. I’ll add them to the growing pile of videos.

Intervention progress level: 50%

Saturday

I went shopping. Oh my God. So I’m pretty sure I’m reacting to medication or work. Today I went to the area where I work and I was shopping and I just felt sick the entire time. I’m talking heart racing, nausea, dizziness, feeling hot. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I hate shopping so much. Too many people, too much anxiety and too much hell no. Oh and too much money spent. I can just do that online, lol. It was so awful. I won’t be doing it again.

I’m trying

Again, I worry that I’m disappearing but people can reach out, right? I’ll reply eventually. Most of the time. I might need a nudge or two these days. I’m not really okay, but it feels like a competition these days. I’m in pain, you’re in pain too. I’m sad, you’re sad too. I’m lonely, you’re lonely too. I’m sure I’m guilty of it too, more so than others, but I can’t deal with other people sometimes. 

However, I’m trying. 

Chester

You know, when I heard that Chester Bennington died, I felt bad for not keeping up with Linkin Park of late. I have no idea why. I’m not going to pretend that he changed my life or anything, just acknowledge that they were a huge part of my music library library for many years. What was interesting to me was how many people kind of made his death about them? We call it ‘paying tribute’, but is it really? Why do people have to die for us to acknowledge what they’ve done? It’s kind of sad. It’s sad that people have turned death into a weird social media bragging contest about how much so and so meant to them. I don’t get it. 

Is suicide selfish?

What do you guys think? You know how you think your stance is dead set on something, but then you realise that it isn’t? Yeah, that. We’re a complicated species. 

Creative shit

I’m making earrings now.  It’s much harder than it looks! Fuuuuuck. I think this is the most scattered post yet. 

💜

Awkward Situations, Life

the worst part about crying

I have a new category called Angry Thoughts. It was just a matter of time. First post will be on its way. Random Thoughts is emptyyyy. I’ve been saving Bob’s stories to watch them over the weekend. Luckily, I’ve either missed some or he’s been quiet. Which is good because I think he was running out of things to post. 

Onto the worst part about crying. 

For me it’s not the act itself, but what comes with it and how it comes. 

  • Raging headache

Need I say more?

  • Puffy red eyes 

We can’t all cry prettily like they do on TV.

  • Cuts under my nose

Usually from toilet paper (damn, does it hurt!). I had to rub Vaseline on it. 

  • Crying in public

It was ridiculous and I’m not sure what happened. I started having these chest pains and I was like, ‘I DON’T NEED THIS’ because my heart was pounding really fast and I’m pretty sure my feet were swollen and I have something wrong with my leg and just, I think it was probably a panic attack. 

I know exactly why I had one, but it was awful. The worst part is that I walked past several people and they didn’t even notice. I’m invisible. Tell me something I don’t know. Eventually someone did spot that I was upset and they spoke to me and helped me calm down. That was super nice of them and I’m very grateful. 

I also spoke to my friend about it and she was helpful. I’m so used to bottling every thing up all the time that I was so discombobulated and all over the place. I work really hard at controlling my outer appearance, if you like. I’ve been told by so many people that I’m hard to read or I’m “so quiet” and that’s for a reason. If I think you’re worth talking to, then that’s it. We’re cool. If I don’t, I won’t say a word to you. Life is too short to waste energy on people who don’t deserve it. 

To cut a long story short, I woke up the next day and I was like fuck this and I blasted out New Kids On The Block while I was in the shower. It helped a lot. Boybands are my therapy. Lol!

Bitchin', Life, Social Media

Hiding away from the world

You know, I used to be that girl who talked to everyone all the time, everywhere before I got burned out. I was trying to be too many things to too many people and in the end, I ran. I ran like someone just told me that they’d seen stacks of cash in the near distance. 

I felt like I was a magnet, constantly attracting non-magnetic objects. I was friends with people, but they weren’t friends with me. I was always there for people, but they were never there for me. I was the shoulder to cry on, but all I got was elbows to the face. 

After that, the best decision was to get the fuck away. Anyone who wanted to talk to me would find a way. 

Boy, were my eyes opened.

My newfound solitude was lonely at first, but eventually, I got used to it and here I am.

Occasionally, I fall into the habit. I disappear and when I emerge I realise that so much has happened. Life changes so quickly and these days, you’ve got social media to help you keep up but on those days when I’m like fuck this there is no social media, no news, no nothing. Quite what I do on those days is a mystery to me. It’s like a vacuum in my mind where everything vanishes and I wake up three days later and I’m like, damn, where did the time go. 

I think a lot of this is down to how much we are encouraged to share about ourselves. I used to be that girl that shared every single damn thought in my head. I was an open book until I realised that the more you share of yourself, the less you have to yourself. If that makes sense. 

However, I often find myself looking at my life and I’m like, my gosh I’m boring. Eventually, I ask myself relative to who? We don’t tell people about the mundane shit we do. Like shopping, eating, drinking. Oh, wait, we do. Apparently that’s the interesting part. 

Not for me.

Even with that in mind I still find myself comparing myself to other people. That person looks so put together and I look like shit. I went to school with her and she’s got her life together while I can barely dredge up an ounce of motivation. She’s really pretty and I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backward. He’s got tons of money and I struggle to buy food.

It’s hard not to look anywhere and find some kind of way in which you’re a failure. 

Most days, I can deal with that. Life isn’t supposed to be easy. If it was it would be legal to sucker punch the next asshole who shoves past me at the train station. 

Most days, I roll my eyes and tell myself that a picture doesn’t mean shit. An article is just a snapshot. Everything is just a tiny piece of a complicated puzzle. 

Some days, though, I have to jump ship before I can drown. You know those days when a stupid picture of a Starbucks cup has you think I can’t remember the last place I even went anyway and suddenly I’m wasting my life, I’m not worthwhile, I don’t do anything for anyone, blah, blah, blah. Some days I have to avoid that and I just disappear. 

I can’t tell you what I do on those days because time tends to fly by without stopping long enough for me to take a breath. 

I haven’t worked out if that’s a good or bad thing. 

Bitchin', Life

Give Me A Sign (#SOCS)

Forever – and ever
the scars will remain

I always like to think that I’m this closed book, but lately I’ve figured out that I’m not. I’m sort of the goofy, quirky, hapless girl who’s always laughing. However, I’m not always laughing on the inside. I’m barely laughing on the inside. In fact most of the time I’m in a constant state of despair on the inside.

Usually, when I’m in a downward spiral, I get the usual signs. Increased blogging. Check. Lack of constant writing. Check. Low motivation. Check. Low mood. Check. Fatigue. Check. Procrastination. Double check. Fixation (some of y’all can attest to this one). In some ways, the signs make it easy for to figure out why I feel the way I do, but in another sense, it’s bullshit.

By the time I’ve overcome that, I say to myself, let’s take time to just be. Less sad, of tired, whatever. By the time I’ve done that, the cycle starts all over again. 

Anyway, I think all of this kind of bleeds out in my personality. The snark, the cynicism, the sarcasm, dry wit, the fact that I turn everything into a joke. I am probably the epitome of old man yells at cloud, but it’s how I deal.

Anyway, if there was a sign I’d use to represent myself, it’s the caution sign.

For several reasons.

  1. Not everyone can handle my sense of humour. Often, I’m being facetious when I speak but maybe it’s too deadpan. People take offence and it doesn’t end well.
  2. I’m an idiot (no really I am) and thus makes me annoying at times.
  3. It’s unlikely that you’ll ever fully know the real me.

To expand on three, I’m at the point where I’m not going to tell certain people candid details about my life. If that makes me fake or whatever, so be it. Often people who seek this knowledge don’t have your best interests at heart. They store it and use it whenever they want to get one over you. Suddenly, that insecurity you shared is being used to make you feel even more insecure and it works. That kind of thing stays with you, or it’s stayed with me.

Like the lyrics at the start of the post state, forever and ever, the scars will remain, but, you know what? Fuck anyone who isn’t happy with the way I am.

Unfortunately for them, I’m non-refundable and I don’t do exchanges. 😎

~

This is my entry for this weeks #SOCS, details of which can be found here!

Lyrics are from Give Me A Sign by Breaking Benjamin. It’s worth a listen if you haven’t heard it already! 

Awkward Situations, Life

trade this life for something new

Even though I blog about ‘myself’, there’s a lot I keep hidden. Not just from blogosphere but everyone. Why? ‘Cause it’s too damn sad. I could write a book on oppression, on emotional and verbal abuse, on anything in that area. I choose not to because I don’t want to read back through thoughts and be reminded of the bullshit.

Right now, I’m being forced into something I don’t really want to do. What this person doesn’t know is that years ago, I went through this and decided it wasn’t for me. I’ve already done this thing but not to the standard that this person wants. So they want me to forget the past five years of my life and go back to where I’ve started. 

I physically cannot do that. 

At this point, clearly, there has to be a compromise, because I’m not about to waste another two years of my life feeling unhappy because someone else wants to dictate my life for me. 

It won’t work. And I’m not willing to spend the money on it. They claim they will but I do not want a single penny from them. Ever. Not when it comes with more nonsense and strings. 

However, finding a compromise is going to be tough and I’m not sure if I can handle it. I know my limit, I know my strengths and the easiest way to ensure that I fail is to force me into something. If I don’t compromise, there’s no way I’m not going to fail. I can’t afford to go back to having no life, nothing else other than what someone else wants me to do. That’s no life. That’s me spacing out twenty four hours a day. That’s me sinking into depression. That’s me just floating away and not wanting to be around anymore. 

That’s shit

I’m close out with some Linkin Park lyrics because it’s appropriate!

Normal service will be resumed shortly.

Life, Random Thoughts

Not My Portion

When I say not my portion I mean, this terrible thing will not happen to me! 

A few weeks ago my mood hit rock bottom. I can’t explain it, so I’ll spare you the details but I wasn’t interested in doing anything, and movies and TV shows were out of the question. 

Obviously, I turned to True Crime. 

The show in question was It Takes A Killer. Twenty minutes long. Sufficiently disturbing. It was perfect for my mood, right? Not really. I swear I was seeing potentially suspect people everywhere for that week. People are messed up. I have no idea why I kept clicking onto the next episode. 

True Crime shows are so addictive in a really messed up kind of way. One thing I always frown at is that they go into detail… aren’t they worried about other people using their shows as a How To Manual?? 

Anyway, be safe, people. Always keep your guard up. 

This is a response to the June 1st Daily Prompt – Portion