Awkward Situations, Life, Random Thoughts

i’m trying | Random Thoughts #28

Mood

See this post
Shit that happened

So I was at the butchers and I gave my order and made sure to avoid eye contact because they are always creepy. I looked up around the time that it should have been ready and I saw the guy serving me blowing kisses through the mirror. I was wondering what the fuck he was doing when I realised that he was blowing kisses at me. I just smiled awkwardly because it’s not like I was about to leave without my goods. There was also another guy Who was just STARING at me so much that the one blowing kisses asked if I knew him. 

My life is so exciting. 

Shortly after that, the bag split. I also realised that my backpack was open the entire time that I was at the ATM, and my phone was in there. To make things worse, I kept leaving my bag open multiple times. At one point someone actually pointed it out to me. I definitely needed a chaperone that day. 

What else has been going? Too much chocolate that’s for sure. I’ve lost a lot of weight over the past few months but not enough. And not where it counts!

Bob

I am concerned about Bob. 

First he posted a picture of some guy relieving himself by a tree in broad daylight. Yeah, it’s a douche move but taking a picture just proves that you have too much time on your hands. I haven’t actually seen any of his videos because I can’t be bothered. I have a few saved but I see that he was at a concert of some sort and I was just like, nope. I’ll save what I have for the next RT. It’s almost like I’ve conducted my own intervention but really I’ve been a foul mood all week and I need to be in my right mind to view Bob’s narcissism and all around shallowness. Did I mention that he posted a picture of lemonade? How 2016. 

ETA: Still haven’t watched any of his videos. Right now there are none up either so I’m taking it as a sign. I did like the picture (accompanied by stupid caption as per usual) he posted. 

You know, I don’t think my captions are any better. I have one saved in drafts that reads ‘the cupcake of chip-ions’. 

It’s a picture of my homemade chocolate chip cupcakes. 

I’m a hypocrite aren’t I? Does this mean that I owe Bob an apology for mocking him? 

Nah. Sorry, Bob! Wait…

Anyway, Bob appears to be at some wine tasting with Mrs Bob. I tend to avoid videos with her in them because there’s no need I bring someone else into my ridicule and also she sort of ruins the whole eye candy thing for me. Is that weird? Am I being weird? Lol. Redundant question. I’ll add them to the growing pile of videos.

Intervention progress level: 50%

Saturday

I went shopping. Oh my God. So I’m pretty sure I’m reacting to medication or work. Today I went to the area where I work and I was shopping and I just felt sick the entire time. I’m talking heart racing, nausea, dizziness, feeling hot. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I hate shopping so much. Too many people, too much anxiety and too much hell no. Oh and too much money spent. I can just do that online, lol. It was so awful. I won’t be doing it again.

I’m trying

Again, I worry that I’m disappearing but people can reach out, right? I’ll reply eventually. Most of the time. I might need a nudge or two these days. I’m not really okay, but it feels like a competition these days. I’m in pain, you’re in pain too. I’m sad, you’re sad too. I’m lonely, you’re lonely too. I’m sure I’m guilty of it too, more so than others, but I can’t deal with other people sometimes. 

However, I’m trying. 

Chester

You know, when I heard that Chester Bennington died, I felt bad for not keeping up with Linkin Park of late. I have no idea why. I’m not going to pretend that he changed my life or anything, just acknowledge that they were a huge part of my music library library for many years. What was interesting to me was how many people kind of made his death about them? We call it ‘paying tribute’, but is it really? Why do people have to die for us to acknowledge what they’ve done? It’s kind of sad. It’s sad that people have turned death into a weird social media bragging contest about how much so and so meant to them. I don’t get it. 

Is suicide selfish?

What do you guys think? You know how you think your stance is dead set on something, but then you realise that it isn’t? Yeah, that. We’re a complicated species. 

Creative shit

I’m making earrings now.  It’s much harder than it looks! Fuuuuuck. I think this is the most scattered post yet. 

💜

Awkward Situations, Random Thoughts

shut up and drink your tea | Random Thoughts #27

Our first (not so random) thought is:

He has problems

Obviously this was my response to Bob this week. He posted some clip from movie with Jason Isaacs, who had some kind of drill attached to some dude’s mouth and I don’t even know. There was blood involved and I had to turn my phone away. I guess it was a horror movie [looked it up, it was A Cure For Wellness] of some sort.

In the next clip, Bob is sarcastically (at least that’s how I took it) saying that the movie had ‘fucking amazing cinematography’ and that he hoped we enjoyed that. I had to turn my phone away, bro. Fuck you. I seemed to move on though, because next he had a picture of his shoes which were cool. I would screenshot them, but yeah, Bob shall remain anonymous. Sort of anonymous. I would feel bad if he ever knew that I have dedicated multiple posts to mocking him. LOL. 

It would be hilarious, though. I’m mean that way. 😝

That bird is definitely about to poop on someone

This bird flew over me and made a nose that souned like an evil cackle. I kid you not. I was just laughing to myself. It sounded way too pleased with itself. I could just tell it was about to wreak havoc on someone. I’m glad that it wasn’t me. 

Pain, pain, go away

Everything hurts. Legs. Back. Arms. Wrists. Everything. I think it’s a result of going back to work after nine days off (woo!). This is how I used to feel the day after PE class but ten times worse. I’m guessing I have muscle sprains and strains. I am finally taking meds for it. Last week Aunt Flo was in town and I don’t like taking medication for that. This week… bleh. I need a new job. 

What the fuck do I do with it?

I have no idea what this thought was about but I’m sure I ask this question at least ten times a day. 

Obviously you do care!

Bob again. I was waiting for the kettle to boil so I checked out his story. 

Bob started off by saying that this is what his mornings look like. There was some serious bedhead, but the artfully tousled kind and not my kind where my hair is a bush and there’s crust on my eyes (but, hey, I’m sexy too! Just ask my postman). Anyway, after that he drinks his tea and he says that during this time he likes to look at his Instafeed. Okaaaay.

What he said next had me like….

He goes into this rant about how he has noticed that companies and certain people buy likes and followers which is stupid and wrong. He says that companies would probably deny it if asked but ‘he doesn’t care’ it’s up to them to do what they want. And THEN, he was like ‘it’s kind of narcissistic. It’s narcissism.’

I was LAUGHING SO HARD. 

Bob, you’re straight done. 

1. Huge difference between narcissism and deception. Buying followers and likes isn’t narcissism, it’s just dishonest and designed to deceive. 

2. Bob, brother, if we’re talking about actual narcissism, you’re part of the problem. Every picture on your feed is of YOURSELF! 

3. Shut up and drink your tea, Bob.

Anyway, I guess halfway through he decided to ‘act’ and jokingly tell someone to shut the fuck up because his story is way more important than theirs. By that point, I was convinced that the whole thing was some kind of spoof. I’m still not sure that I didn’t imagine it all. 

Either way, thanks for the laugh, Bob!

His cute friend made an appearance today…He was doing ‘curls for the girls’ as Bob put it. I think I’d probably punch Bob in the face if we were friends. I was contemplating following him [Bob’s cute friend], but I got thinking about how much room for stupidity I have left in my life. Work takes up most of the quota. Bob takes up a fair amount also. Hard pass. 

Also, they were at the gym which really annoys me. Part of why I’m too afraid (okay, so maybe I’m lazy) to go to the gym is all of this Snapchat and live video nonsense. Is nothing and nowhere sacred anymore?? I ended up in a Twitter video today, smh. Nothing special but still. Can you not?

Complete and utter madness

Everyone at my job is incompetent bar a few people. That’s all. 

I’m officially doing too much

Can someone PLEASE schedule my Bob intervention? Some of the bullshit he posts just makes my head hurt. I’ve also figured out how to save people’s stories (why? Every second I miss from Bob is a blessing!). 

I need help, guys. Please help me. 

Awkward Situations, Life

Gone Dark

Written on 4th July

Random Thoughts has gone dark. As of writing, my internet is DOWN!

It’s a travesty.

Anyway, I’m back at work this week and Aunt Flo literally came to town as I arrived. She made her presence known. I’m talking full blown cramps that would have me rolling on the floor if I hadn’t been dealing with this nonsense since I was a young’un. It’s funny because every time Aunt Flo comes along it’s like I’m doing this shit for the first time. The level of irritation and horror is always different. It’s never the same. It’s like being visited by a genuine family member who’s always in some kind of trouble. 

However, this visit was a lot more stable than the last two.

Or three? As far back as April. Whenever I started going on about Bob (model/actor/writer/narcissist/rampantly shirtless/terrible caption writer/provider of secondhand embarrassment that I follow on Instagram). My whole Bob fixation/obsession/casual observation began at the beginning of that period (no pun intended) so we can blame that on Aunt Flo.

At the time, it was more feeling low and depressed than anything else but I didn’t realise what was in store. Nine weeks of horror. I get that this is TMI, but who else am I going to tell this to? My diary? Actually. That might be better but I’ve started it now.

Anyway, I will admit that I’m not one of those girls who keeps track with Aunt Flo. I’ve never gotten into the habit of writing it down because usually, I knew she was coming when I felt the sharp, stabbing cramps. That system worked very well until last year.

Last year Aunt Flo went crazy. Now, she was already crazy, but I didn’t realise how bad it was until I was living away from home and I didn’t need to do anything for anyone but myself. Oh, boy. I’m talking fatigue, not being able to function, cramps, just all around uselessness. The worst thing was that this usually came after Aunt Flo packed her bags. So, I would have one week to anticipate her arrival, three days of her wonderful company and then one week of feeling like I’d been hit by a truck, one week of recovering and then…Aunt Flo would be back! It was like being strapped to a rollercoaster. 

I put that down to stress because three weeks between her visits is not enough time. Like. Seriously. No. Never. I need a 28 day cycle please. 

Anyway, going back to this April, the same shit happened again. I had three visits in about two months (just over – nine weeks). It was horrendous. I reached a point where I was just tired. I’d wake up tired. Go to bed tired. Wake up tired. Go to bed tired. Everything tired. Around the same time, I ended up with a ganglion on my wrist and some other issue in my other wrist and I couldn’t lean on them. I could barely type but I did anyway, because what else was I going to do? Sit here and feel sorry for myself? Nah.

The pain is on and off now in my wrist. I’m not sure what really triggers it (I’m lying – everything does). I have worn some form of brace on a near enough daily basis since it became very bad and that seems to be helping. 

So, yeah. If I hadn’t taken a week off work, I have no idea how I’d be feeling now. I am not looking forward to next week*. Something has got to give.

For now, I’m looking into taking vitamins and supplements – I definitely think my iron is low after all of that. Hopefully, I can get a regular routine and slowly return back to the land of the living because the last thing any of us needs is Bob 2.0.

That would be the real travesty. 

(*The following week was awful as predicted. God help me.)

Life, Random Thoughts

an overly self-conscious clown | Random Thoughts #26 (Jul 3rd – 9th)

I wore bright purple lipstick on Monday. Bright red lipstick on Tuesday. Glittery lilac eyeliner on Monday, black eyeliner on Tuesday. Black mascara on both days. After a week of not wearing make up it feels weird. I feel like some kind of overly self-conscious clown. Maybe I need subtle make up now. Dark eyeliner, dark lipstick. Or just lipgloss and nothing else. Why do I need make up at all? It’s so hot at work that I’m convinced it just melts off anyway. However, I see too many people for me to feel comfortable without doing anything to my face.

You know how it is. 

You wear make up and you get you look nice today. 

You don’t wear make up and you get you look tired.

I try to throw on eyeliner and lipstick to avoid those comments. 

Sometimes I still get them. 

Most of the time I just feel really weird. Like people are looking at me and judging my poor application skills. 

Left alone to me, I wouldn’t bother with any of it. Don’t get me wrong, I like make up, but it isn’t my life. I don’t need three coats of war paint to step outside. Although, sometimes I find myself doing that just to buy food and I look at myself and I think, ‘Gurl, what the fuck are you doing? This is a waste of perfectly good make up. And time.’

I waste twenty minutes putting it on when it takes less time to get to the shop. I could be on my way already. Where’s the logic? Yet, I keep doing it. At least it’s summer now so I can hide behind sunglasses. 

I’ve accepted that I have a sort of weird look in that I look sort of… uh, young. I have a very youthful face. I am not pretty or anything like that, but I’m not hideous. I don’t take great pictures but I think I look better in real life, lol. It’s either that or I wrap my face in gauze, so just go with it. 

However, I feel like make up on me looks like when a kid finds their mother’s make up and goes crazy. I look like I’ve been experimenting with that and I just happened to leave the house like that. My eyebrows are messed up. My eyeliner is wonky. My lipstick is always running off my face. I’m everything that one of those contour videos on YouTube isn’t. 

Messy, imperfect, flawed. 

Oily combination skin just makes everything worse. I always end up with panda eyes. I feel like it all sweats off me until I get home and it won’t come off. I’ll use cleaner, toner, coconut oil but nothing removes make up like sleep does. 

Say a prayer for my poor pillow. 

Anyway, all of that aside….

I got a notification for a live thing on Instagram and it was from the Backstreet Boys. I’ve watched some of their stories and it’s literally the same thing everyday. With that in mind, I clicked on it and it was basically some kind of weird after party thing? I have no idea what it was but they were playing THE SAME SONGS that pop up on their stories. All very annoying songs. It must be Top 40 kinda music because I hate all of it. I watched it for about five minutes before my sanity restored itself and I clicked out of it.

Contrast that to my Canadian husbands who posted a soundcheck to their story. A sound check that was mostly of the backstage area. It wasn’t flashy, it wasn’t even that long but it was perfect because it was just so normal. 

You’ll be pleased to note that I haven’t been on Instagram for a few days, though. Occasionally it happens! I wonder what Bob is up to. Probably adding to his shirtless picture collection on Dropbox or wherever he keeps them. Y’all know there’s a folder somewhere. I can’t be bothered to look. I’m trying to keep my Instagram use to weekend only. I’ll miss seeing Bob’s mundanity, but it’s for the best. 

Plus, I’m so behind on everything anyway because my internet was down for a full twelve hours. Shocking. I managed to write a whole Random Thoughts post in one sitting. Kind of like this one, but not this one. Lol! 

Or not because this is me adding more. I clicked on Bob’s thing out of frustration (just go with it) and it was him practising in an empty room again. I had the video on mute but I’m sure he said that he was ‘back at it’. 

Bob. I fully respect your right to post whatever mundane shit you want to. I even sort of respect your fondness of your own shirtlessness. What I don’t respect is you posting the same fucking shit over and over and over. At least change the angles. Throw some glitter everywhere. Or you know, go about your day without needing to inform Insta that you’re doing something. 

Although, I guess I can’t talk because I have a blog full of nonsense but still I need Bob to just focus on being pretty. And maybe he could hang out with his cute friend more. That’s it. All of the extra is unnecessary. 

This post spans my entire weekend because I checked out a few stories. I clicked on Kevin Richardson’s and it was looooooooong. I had to click out of it after a minute. I looked at Bob’s and it was surprisingly dead. I just realised that he’s barely posted all week. This is good for me because it means that I’ve barely been on Insta. I forgive Bob for his earlier snafu. Well. Not really. 

Moving on, I posted a story (fiction, not Insta) this week that was terrible but people liked it and I basically hid under a rock. I hate compliments. I have a post on that somewhere. Yeah. 

So. I have no idea when I’m going to post this, but it’s a new week so I shall create a new Random Thoughts post. 

Love and peace, people. 

ETA: finally posting it!

Random Thoughts

expiry dates are just a guideline | Random Thoughts #25

Hello, guys! 

I feel human right now. I, who feels inhuman 99.9% of the time, feel human. The reason? My Vitamin B complex. It’s expired now but I took it anyway because I was yawning at fucking four pm and I got annoyed. It made me feel a loser, so I was like, eff yeah, I’m going to take a vitamin! In your face fatigue! It didn’t do me any harm, so I think they’re okay to take for now at least. 

Today was okay, though, I mostly chilled and listened to some music. I got some lipsticks and eyeshadow in the mail today, and a Vitamin E face mask. Expect a new me on Monday. LOL. 

I also accidentally ended up watching Bob’s thing on Instagram. I promise you it was an accident. My Canadian husbands Billy Talent had a story up and I was watching it and I can’t for the life of me figure out how to stop stories from automatically playing one after the other. Is there a way to do that? I think they’re usually in alphabetical order because Bob usually comes up first, but maybe that’s not the case because Bob’s name begins with A (I know, game changer) and it went straight into his story. Anyway, it was more of the same vapid nonsense. 

Him and Mrs Bob (his gf, I guess, idk who she is lol but this is what I’m calling her) are in some kind of field, potentially picnicking and… That’s it. Neither of them even said anything. I was just wondering what the point was. It was weird. Enjoy your weekend, Barbie and Ken! We already know what you look like, don’t worry, we won’t forget if you keep the camera away from yourselves for one day. I promise.

Anyway, what else? I finished an original story. WHEEEEEEE. I shall post it here soon. 🙂

My friend also challenged me to write a story under 5000 words because I am incapable of keeping things short (short stories aside, lol). I’m at 4200 now and nowhere near finished. Watch me cut out the excess like an editor of a B movie leaving the parts of the movie that make sense on the cutting room floor. 

Also, people always think that I’m a guy on here. Is this because my picture was of a guy before, do I sound like a guy? Do I swear too much? Answers on a post card, please. LOL. 

That’s all for now folks. More randomness soon. 💜

Random Thoughts

male model heaven | Random Thoughts #22

First of all, the bullet point layout is so much easier! How does it look? Stupid? Y/n/you don’t care?

Secondly:

I am in male model heaven

In my defence, I was a little grossed out that I even thought that, but at any rate it’s true.

  • Bob’s PR (I can tell when it’s not him writing the captions, because everything looks like a normal human being wrote it) posted a thing about a thing
  • I clicked on the tag and et voila. Models galore
  • I’m going to spend an hour perusing through it, just because it’s been a hard week. I need this. 😂

I am like a pathetic little fangirl

  • You know when you know your behaviour is irrational but you can’t help it? Yeah. That. 
  • Anyway, is it bad that my first thought was, ‘aw, he has something to do!’
  • Obviously, he’s way busier than me, so it’s just me being a bitch. I can accept that. He’s working with a major designer (as he has done in the past so yeah, he’s not some lazy person).
  • I got bored after ten minutes or so because it was just a bunch of white guys
  • Cute white guys, but still
  • Diversity in modelling is still a wish more than reality, huh?
  • Also I still can’t take Bob seriously. 
  • Someone posted video and he’s the first model, and he turns to look at the camera I was just like, ‘NO. NOPE BYE.’ LOL. Unserious motherflocker (I’m trying not to be crude!). 
  • I sat through his story and there was eye rolling (of course) and shock when he was like, ‘this is my hotel, come and say hi’ dude, whaaaat. But that was nice of him I guess. 
  • He has nice sunglasses

Writing update

  • Starting a sequel
  • I have 39393399 unfinished projects
  • Starting another one just made sense
  • I need a prompt for a short story. Any suggestions?
  • Writing done on Friday: 0
  • Writing some on Saturday: we’ll see

Fashion

  • Speaking of modelling
  • I don’t really get fashion
  • I mean, high street stuff is fine. I can pick out a cute top or whatever
  • Watching a bunch of people wear ugly shit and walk in a line is just baffling
  • And okay, some of the clothes are nice but so much of it is ugly
  • So so so so so so ugly
  • It’s not art, it’s just ugly

    It’s not just me

    • Otherwise known as validation
    • It’s nice when other people agree with us
    • Not necessarily healthy, but nice
    • The thing is that, it’s dangerous. If you need someone to agree with you to be confident in your opinion then it won’t work
    • I’m kind of a fuck validation kinda girl but I look for it all the time
    • Sometimes I find it, sometimes I don’t
    • Often it doesn’t matter anyway, because I learn to live with my opinion. 

        I write so I don’t forget

        • Social media is kind of weird
        • I prefer Twitter above else because you can always easily read back what you wrote
        • Snapchat is basically watching something that you’ll forget
        • Instagram is sort of the same
        • So if I want to remember something, I’ll have to scribble a little note somewhere
        • This is my explanation for Bob, I used to roast him with my friend and just got into the habit just before I started boring you guys to tears, lol!
        • My memory is weird
        • Often I will remember the strangest things, I can more or less remember article, shows and books word for word, but something you told me five minutes ago? Nope. 

          My time is not my own

          • Weekends are my free time but they’re anything but 
          • I wish I lived by myself
          • I don’t mind chipping in, but people are selfish and don’t care about my time
          • I am expected to jump up a million times a day if necessary
          • It’s exhausting. 

            Random Thoughts

            • I just read through all 21 (plus a couple extra and they’re not as bad as I thought they would be
            • It does sound like I am obsessed with Bob, but anyway….Lol.

            That’s all for today!

            Random Thoughts

            Are You Happy? | Random Thoughts #18

            I’m going with titles now for Random Thoughts just to keep things interesting

            • Someone I know in real life and see almost every day demanded to know my Instagram and I did EVERYTHING in my power to resist but it was getting awkward.
            • Just to clarify, my weirdness will now be exposed to someone I know in real life. Although, I think they have their suspicions. 
            • Anyway, while I was adding them, I checked Bob out and he is honing his craft. He does this by practising in front of an empty room, which is okay, I guess, but there’s only so many times I can see this and find it interesting. After that he’d either added some kind of filter to himself and I thought it was adorable. 
            • What is wrong with me?

            Anyway, I haven’t done any writing this week.

            • I’ve been reading some of my old stuff and it’s interesting. 
            • I can’t work out if I was a better writer then than I am now. 
            • Does anyone else have that feeling? You read back what you wrote and it’s good but you can’t remember what you felt like in the moment that you wrote it. 

            Remember when Random Thoughts was me posting an actual random thought that cracked me up. Well, here’s one. 

            You know you’re not happy when your response to ‘are you happy?’ is ‘fuck off’. 

            It was one of those dumb pop ups you get from certain apps, but still, the thought was amusing. 

            Blogging is a thing that I do

            • Sometimes, I want to quit
            • Delete and never come back to it
            • Why?
            • It’s a distraction. Both good and bad. Right now the pendulum is at bad
            • I worked hard to get myself from a place of emotional overinvestment to one of rationality and I won’t let anyone take me back. 
            • Vague, but you get it. I hope. 

              Thursday

              • Voted today. 

              • Fucking nervous about it but you know what, life goes on. 
              • I was feeling rather mellow after that and somehow Bob came to mind. I have no idea why. Anyway, I checked out his story on Instagram. He has a new profile picture. Meh. Old one was better. His story was cute, though. Seriously. Adorable and cute. 
              • I feel like I’m in the middle of a vicious cycle. 
              • WAIT – Bob did post a picture of an egg which made me roll my eyes. White people eat their eggs weird. Or well, anyone who eats their eggs like this:

              • I don’t get it. My idea of fried egg is more like scrambled. Cultural difference.
              • I have no idea why Bob decided to share his picture with us
              • He also shared his friend with us. His friend is cute. They’re both cute.
              • I need to shut up. 

                Moving on…

                • My hair looks cute today. I look about twelve years old. I don’t mind. I’m not getting any younger, SOBS. 
                • I still have an issue with my hand. I shouldn’t be blogging with it right now but I am anyway. I will explain more later. 
                • I am my own worst enemy

                Anyway, to answer the question, no I’m not happy, but is anybody? Truly? Is happiness a state of mind or an illusion? 

                There you go.