my own little world

It was around 23:40 and my feet were starting to hurt. Home was maybe a few minutes away and it was either keep going or stop. Keep going to the mad house or sit in the dark and have some peace. I chose the latter and it was so nice. I took some I’ll advised selfies (why?!) and flicked through my phone aimlessly, and eventually I put on my music. I sat there and thought about nothing. I wanted nothing more than to just remain there. It was warm outside, but there was a cool breeze that soothed my frazzled nerves. A few people passed by but it was like I was in my own little world. It was awesome and sort of depressing at the same time. I wonder what I must have looked like. 

The lonely girl sitting outside at night doing nothing. 

Hopefully, I was invisible. That’s what I was going for. 
It hit me earlier that day that I don’t have any peace. There’s always something. Mornings are hectic, afternoons are hectic, evenings are hectic. There’s never any solitude, not even when I’m sleeping because I sure as hell haven’t slept well for a long time now. Someone might call that ironic, but there’s a reason why I’m so tired all the time. I’ve grown tired of saying that I’m tired. It’s not even a physical tiredness but mental tiredness. I wake up each day and I just think, ‘here we fucking go again‘. 

The noise. Oh, the noise, and the fact that I feel like a slice of bread just before it pops out of the toaster. Hot and ready to explode. It’s the same shit every day and I am sick of it. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of saying that I’m going to do something and just failing miserably. I’m tired of failing but it’s all I seem to know how to do. There’s always an excuse, and that excuse is almost always tiredness. I’m to tired to go there. I’m too tired to do this. I don’t have the energy. I never have the energy. I’m tired of having to navigate around someone and micromanage every action just to avoid the complaints that will come anyway. I’m tired of wasting what little energy I have on other people who don’t appreciate it. 

I’m just fucking tired. 

That’s not normal, I don’t think. Not that I aspire to be normal but something is fundamentally wrong when I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t tired and I don’t know what it is. Everything is wrong and I have no idea how to get out of it. 

What I do know is that I need to find more moments of peace for myself. 



Grenfell Tower Fire

  • Heartbreaking
  • Frustrating
  • Residents complained for YEARS. 
  • £1m renovations were carried out. It’s believed that cheap materials used to clad the building contributed to the spread of the fire. 
  • This happened in the richest borough in London – shameful.
  • An investigation is under way but this wouldn’t have happened had they heeded the warnings given to them multiple times
  • Did I say heartbreaking? 😢

There are no words for this kind of incident. As of writing 17 people are dead but given that hundreds of people lived in the building and that it happened at around 1am onwards… there will most likely be more fatalities.

… It’s just extremely sad. 


Just a quick word

Yesterday evening an explosion rocked the Manchester Arena in Manchester, England. It was just after an Ariana Grande concert. As of writing, 19 people are dead and 50+ injured. It’s being treated as a terror attack. 

It’s absolutely awful. My heart goes out to the families of the victims and to anyone who was there. That shit is scary and not okay. Not even a little bit. 

Personally, when things like this happen I often have nothing to say. Not even a generic tweet. Not the hate mongering or the snap judgements. 

I wish more people were the same. 

Life, Random Thoughts

Honour Your Pace

Don’t compare yourself to others

I always tell people not to compare themselves to others. In fact, I tell people so many things that are reasonable and true but often, I forget to tell them to myself. 

For instance, I do this [indirectly compare myself to others] everyday. Part of it is someone else constantly comparing me to other people and the rest is myself. I wonder why this person’s writing has more comments than mine, I wonder what I’m doing wrong. I wonder why everyone always seems to have a lot to do when I have nothing to do. The thing is that I don’t care. I mean, I care about feedback but not enough for it to dictate how and when or if I write, and what people do has nothing to do with me. It’s their life. I can’t force people to like my work. I can’t force anything. 

However, we live in a world that’s competitive by nature. We fight for everything. Jobs, people, that last discounted bread roll (for real, one old dude almost sent me flying a few weeks back. Over bread!). 

Comparison is going to happen, it’s what you do with it that counts. 

You either realise that you’re not going to be that person and that you have no idea what they’ve done to get where they are or if what you see is real at all or you drive yourself mad trying to emulate an instance. We all provide everyone with a snapshot of our lives. 

Do you really want to compare yourself to one page of an entire book? Nope.

So, like I always say, fuck everyone else and focus on getting what you want in life. 

The irony of me writing this post is not lost on me but I’m hoping that I can come back and read this and enlighten myself. I’m much better at helping other people than I am at helping myself. Not sure why, but what can you do? 

You’ve just gotta honour your pace.