Bitchin'

One Liner Wednesday – an overwhelming urge to run away


This is my entry for One Liner Wednesday.

Someone posted a video of their pedicure (is this a thing that people do now? Why?) and their rampant need for attention aside, I DO NOT LIKE FEET. AT ALL. I don’t like open shoes. I don’t like sandals. I don’t even like peep toe shoes. Anything that shows any part of the foot (specifically the toes and heel) is off limits. I hate the sound of feet slapping in shoes. I just hate feet. So you can imagine what happened when I unknowingly clicked onto this video. I was not happy. I literally almost unfollowed them because I hate feet that much. I’m glad they’re getting their feet together because messed up gnarly feet are the worst but they need to do it far away from where I can see.
SHUDDER. 

Bitchin', Life

Hell hath no fury…

Story checks out. 

Apparently I get grumpy when I’m hungry. The real question is who are these people that don’t? There’s something wrong with y’all, and not me. I need to be sufficiently energised to deal with any bullshit that might come along the way. And this is Planet Earth. There’s always a 99.9% chance of that happening at any time. 

Life

Dear Self…

I can’t seem to shake my awful mood so I’m turning to snark. Self-snark. Random snark. Whatever works. 
First of all:

Fuck that, self, you need to calm down and read the letter below. 

Dear Self,

Today has been a shit week for various reasons, none of which you know. Monday was the beginning. Getting up was hard. Like, just stay in bed and never ever leave it again hard. You know from doing this that this is the best way to make things worse, so you got up. Went to work. Work was shit, but that’s a given anyway. 

Anyway, self, let’s try and focus on the positives. 

Which are…. well, I can’t think of any right now but they must exist. They must. 

Or maybe they don’t. 

Even so, nothing good comes out of feeling like crap, or feeling miserable and I know that people will say, feel how you feel, but we don’t want to do that self. We want to feel better. 

So, take whatever it is that makes you feel better for even a nanosecond and amplify that. Make that rainbow burst into a pot of gold, or something far more realistic like eating a carton of ice cream. Distract yourself, and don’t let this shitty mood get you too down. 

Draw cartoon characters, write. Write, write and write more because that’s what you’re kind of good at. The drawing is hit and miss. You’re too lazy to get better at it, so just stick to what you know. Or don’t. Who cares?

Stay away from social media because let’s be real, it causes enough issues for you without the depressed mood. Just one perfectly fine picture of pasta is enough to have you feeling like a failure for not being able to serve food prettily. 

Once again, fuck that. 

And while we’re at it, I know that you’re mostly joking about being hermit but can you not? We need people to buy us nice gifts and to talk to and stuff. Mostly gifts because buying stuff for yourself? Is only fun when you’ve got the money and we definitely don’t have the money, self. 

So yeah, self, get your shit together and feel shitty but also be thankful for where you are today. Even if people try to put you down, wait for them to turn around and then give them the finger. It’ll make you feel better and that’s what we need. 

Lots of love and teeny bit of irritation,

Your snarky self. 

Life, random

I literally just sat down

Lol, this is so me. I like to do all I need to before I sit down. Once I’m down, that’s it. It could take anything from two to twelve hours for me to save the damsels and dudes in distress. I’d turn on the news and be like, ‘well, if they’d set off the signal earlier…’

Some people may call it laziness and I call it…Yeah, it’s laziness. 

I’m sorry. I’ll turn in my cape. 

Life

It’s been one of those weeks…

I’m not in a complete state of apathy but I’m close. I just can’t be bothered anymore. I have no motivation, no drive, no energy, just a lingering sense of discomfort. 

I have emails to reply, but they lie in wait for months at a time. 

I have comments, but I can’t even bring myself to load the page. 

Text messages, I can just about stomach. 

I have writing to do, but that’s a whole other post. 

I have things that I need to do for myself, but what’s the point? 

Everything else? Fuck it. 

It is possible that I need to stop watching a TV show that is literally just about murder. There are too many fucked up people in the world damn. 

Trust no one. Become a hermit. Never leave your house. Quadruple lock the doors. That’s basically the message I get from True Crime shows. 

The news is another area that’s just utterly depressing. Sometimes it’s hard to get up and see any positives. I see people posting about enjoying life and I’m wondering how are you not shitting your pants right now? Every day, there’s something more messed up in the news. It’s crazy. 

Anyway, yeah, I’m in a weird mood and my dinner is about as appealing as sharing an elevator with a skunk. So, I wrote this instead. 

Life

The Lowest Form Of Wit

Guilty.

Sarcasm is something that can’t be helped. Like for instance, I saw a certain caption today and my reaction was something like, ‘yeah, I’m sure that’s genuine‘. It was automatic. Perhaps that person was being genuine, or maybe they’re full of shit, who knows. All I know is that sarcasm serves a purpose for me. 

It’s a form of communication. I don’t intend to pour scorn on everything, but it’s much better that praising sometimes enthusiastically because that makes me uncomfortable. All of that rabid excitement just makes me want to sit in a dark shed and cry. I can’t help it, I have a dry sense of humour that lends itself as sarcasm. If I won a million dollars, I’d probably make a remark along the lines of, ‘Yay, more money to carelessly blow on eBay’ as opposed to ‘WHEEEEEEE!’. 

Perhaps it’s cynicism, or maybe a fear of showing genuine emotion. Often, I hide what I’m really thinking by making a sarcastic comment, or I try to exercise it when I feel like someone is being stupid. In that sense, it isn’t nice but come on, we all need that sarcastic sassy voice of reason and I’m more than willing to be it. 

I just need to find my own. Lol. 

This post is brought to you by… Writer’s Block. My old frenemy. 

Bitchin', Life

How To Be A Bad Parent


The snark is strong with this one, but I’m irritated, so. 

The internet is awash with information about how to be a good parent, but let’s be clear, the bad ones aren’t reading it, are they? So for all shitty parent out there, this is for you*. 
1. Always Be Negative

You gotta always be negative. Forget about always be closing, you’ve got to always be negative. Seriously. I cannot stress this enough. Calling your child stupid, useless, worthless and other choice names will have you well on your way to being a bad parent. It will instil low confidence and low self-esteem. It’s easy. 

2. Always Pass Judgement

Judge. The. Heck. Outta. Your. Kids. Seriously, they will thank you for it. That one mistake they make will always remind them that they’re a fuck up, especially if you keep bringing it up. Offer bad advice and tell them that it’s their fault. Always say I told you so, because that’s helpful. Always remind them of the past, always compare them to other people’s kids.

3. Always Rewrite History

This is my favourite. This is the part where you state that you correctly predicted that something would go wrong. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t say anything of the kind, all it matters is that your child has to listen to you say all of this bullshit because you’re always right. You’re never wrong. 

4. Always Take Credit For The Good

Even though you’ve belittled your child, judged them, called them names, made them feel like shit for most of their lives, you can always count on there being some good times. And this is down to you. Yes, through the power of negative reinforcement, you’ve managed to shape your child into a reasonable human being. Give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it. 

5. Always Smother Them, Never Relinquish Control

Look, I’m not saying that you have to not give your child space, I’m just saying that you need to micromanage them. Tell them what to do, how to do it, when to do it, and always, always make sure they know that they will never do it as perfectly as you can. 

6. Always Wonder What Went Wrong

In the unlikely event that your child manages to escape from you**, you may find yourself wondering what went wrong. 

Keep wondering. Never acknowledge your own weaknesses. They don’t exist. 

*This is tongue in cheek. I’m not a parent. Parenting is hard. Kids are hard work. Bad parenting is even worse. Just saying. 

**I will write one about bratty children just to be fair.