Right now, I have the words but not in any any form of coherency, so I’m going to let the internet do it for me. To anyone else who feels like this, we’re all the the sort-of-not-the-same but equally as fucked up boat. It sucks.
So, I became acutely aware of how awkward I was a long time ago. It always seems to hit home when I’m out of my comfort zone. Like this week when I had to tell someone off at work. I don’t really speak to customers unless spoken to. Occasionally, if I’m feeling chatty (a rare occasion) I’ll have a few conversations, but apart from that I am quiet. This week however, I was tired and crabby and I had to finally speak up. And I felt so bad that I had to. I didn’t regret it but I’m not the kind of person that tells people off.
It kind of really hit me then that I am not the most confident person and that I’m just awkward.
The most telling indicator is always when I am recounting interactions. My dialogue always consists of uhms and ahhs because I am so quiet. Talking to me is probably really frustrating. I guess it’s like talking to a mime that occasionally breaks out of character. I just can’t help it, I guess. Sometimes when you over think each word that you say it’s just easier not to say anything.
I’m also extremely introverted, so it’s par for the course but sometimes I wish I was confident enough to just be myself without freaking out afterwards.
1. It saves me from having to say no
I hate saying no. Even when I really need to, I won’t say it. This is why I am already the resident pushover at my workplace. Anyway, digression aside, it is always awkward when people invite me places and I just don’t want to go. Usually I can justify my reasons but ultimately all that runs through my head is this is the last thing that I want to do.
2. It saves me money
I’m a cheapskate and I’m broke, so. I don’t have to pay for drinks or food or overpriced movie tickets. Instead I get to waste my little money on chocolate. What? I didn’t say I spend wisely.
3. I get to spend time on myself
I’m high maintenance. I need a LOT of time to be me. And jam to 90s pop music.
4. It allows me to be an introvert in peace
The worst thing for me is feeling awkward around people due to social anxiety. I feel like I look wrong and that everyone is looking at me. So I will probably switch off halfway through our shindig and I hate that. It is the worst feeling ever to not be able to communicate because your brain needs to recharge and on top of that, I’m worrying about what a bunch of strangers think of me.
I’m a party pooper, y’all.
5. I get to be weird without any judgements
Weird. Quirky. Whatever. I pride myself on being who I am. When I manage to get over my hang ups, I sing to myself and walk into things and also talk to myself. Doing all of that in private is probably better for everyone.
So, I’m happy for my invites to continue getting lost in the mail.
I came across this post on social anxiety and it is pretty accurate. All 15 things are relatable to me. Sigh.
Or rather, the lack of mystery because it’s cause is always the same thing. Some form of anxiety, or an esteem issue. You name it. Most of us have experienced it at least once.
In my case, I am pretty introverted and that makes for some awkward conversations. I think there are a lot of misconceptions about introverts. For instance, I don’t shield myself with a dark umbrella and live in a box. Nor do I consider myself to be shy. I just don’t like talking to people that I don’t know very well because it’s exhausting.
It’s not that there’s anything wrong with those people, it’s just that conversations require energy. Now if someone out there wanted to locate the introvert energy source (that isn’t caffeine because I’d rather not have to pee a million times) and come up with a way to recharge it, I’d be all ears.
Until then, I will have to go through the same phases of internal panic that I do any time I speak to someone that I don’t know. I should stress that for me, I can talk to people who say something to me, but initiating conversations is the hard part. I spend so long thinking about it that I exhaust myself before I can say a word. Continue reading “The mystery of internal panic during awkward conversations”
Alkwalking, otherwise known as walking while socially awkward.
I’m not great at eye contact, public speaking or interacting with people in general. I’m the Kanye West of awkwardness. Walking around town is often a painful experience. Not only do I have to focus on blending in so that nobody notices me, I have to keep myself upright. The latter is the most difficult. I don’t so much as stumble as announce my presence to every damn crack on the pavement. It’s like I’m being taunted with Survivor by Destiny’s Child. That’s supposed to my theme, but instead I’m more like, ‘my body is fall over-licious’. Will I make it unscathed or will get my Kanye on? I wish I knew. It’s like walking through an episode of Total Wipeout, except my obstacles are people who don’t appear to notice that I’m there.
Continue reading “Alkwalking”