Bitchin', Life

Give Me A Sign (#SOCS)

Forever – and ever
the scars will remain

I always like to think that I’m this closed book, but lately I’ve figured out that I’m not. I’m sort of the goofy, quirky, hapless girl who’s always laughing. However, I’m not always laughing on the inside. I’m barely laughing on the inside. In fact most of the time I’m in a constant state of despair on the inside.

Usually, when I’m in a downward spiral, I get the usual signs. Increased blogging. Check. Lack of constant writing. Check. Low motivation. Check. Low mood. Check. Fatigue. Check. Procrastination. Double check. Fixation (some of y’all can attest to this one). In some ways, the signs make it easy for to figure out why I feel the way I do, but in another sense, it’s bullshit.

By the time I’ve overcome that, I say to myself, let’s take time to just be. Less sad, of tired, whatever. By the time I’ve done that, the cycle starts all over again. 

Anyway, I think all of this kind of bleeds out in my personality. The snark, the cynicism, the sarcasm, dry wit, the fact that I turn everything into a joke. I am probably the epitome of old man yells at cloud, but it’s how I deal.

Anyway, if there was a sign I’d use to represent myself, it’s the caution sign.

For several reasons.

  1. Not everyone can handle my sense of humour. Often, I’m being facetious when I speak but maybe it’s too deadpan. People take offence and it doesn’t end well.
  2. I’m an idiot (no really I am) and thus makes me annoying at times.
  3. It’s unlikely that you’ll ever fully know the real me.

To expand on three, I’m at the point where I’m not going to tell certain people candid details about my life. If that makes me fake or whatever, so be it. Often people who seek this knowledge don’t have your best interests at heart. They store it and use it whenever they want to get one over you. Suddenly, that insecurity you shared is being used to make you feel even more insecure and it works. That kind of thing stays with you, or it’s stayed with me.

Like the lyrics at the start of the post state, forever and ever, the scars will remain, but, you know what? Fuck anyone who isn’t happy with the way I am.

Unfortunately for them, I’m non-refundable and I don’t do exchanges. 😎

~

This is my entry for this weeks #SOCS, details of which can be found here!

Lyrics are from Give Me A Sign by Breaking Benjamin. It’s worth a listen if you haven’t heard it already! 

Bitchin', Life

Weathering The Storm

Does the weather reflect our mood? Definitely. This week it’s been hot and muggy. It’s rained. There have been storms. There’s been sun. It’s like, a catalogue of weather conditions. 
Much like the weather this week, my mood has been all over the place. 

I had a completely alien thought a few days ago. I wished that I had a best friend. I don’t consider myself to have a best friend. There’s no BFF who I tell everything to. If anything I’m constantly keeping parts of myself away from people because I know (or believe) that they’re not interested.  In some cases, people have straight up told me in no certain circumstances that they’re not interested while also telling me that I can talk to them about anything. 

I seem to attract a certain calibre of people. Or, I did, when I was outgoing. These days, I keep to myself and only really talk to people who talk to me. 

As someone who tends to internalise everything, it’s hard enough to tell people things without being screwed around. I remember desperately needing help with a story and I begged my friend to look over it. I hate asking for help because people let you down. My motto is always never ask people to do anything that you can’t do yourself. Anyway, we had done this dance before and usually she said no and I left it. This time, I think I had just done her a favour, so she agreed. 

I sent it to her and silence. 

We spoke afterwards but she didn’t mention it until sometime later. She told me she felt bad for not looking through it. One thing I hate is bullshit and as I was reassuring her that it was okay, I realised that I was now comforting her over her letting me down. I stopped talking to her for a couple of days. 

We’re still good friends but I’ll never ask her for help again. At least nothing that really requires more than five minutes of her time. 

I do have friends that read my writing and I am immensely grateful. Especially because I write some ridiculous things. 

However, I need someone that likes boybands, someone who reads my blog and tells me to stop being so weird, gets my jokes and is willing to mock someone on Instagram with me. 

You remember Bob? (Bob was a guy I follow on Instagram just for the unintentional lulz.) Anyway, part of why I cancelled Bob was because the friend that I shared his posts with kind of wasn’t feeling it. It wasn’t serious, but she kept trying to say: he’s not that interesting (to which I was like – that was the point!) and I got the sense that I was annoying her so I have stopped bothering her about it. 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have decided to become my own best friend. 

As always, WikiHow has got me covered. 

I’m going to laugh at my own jokes, mock Bob by myself to myself if I want to. I’ll read my own writing, read and comment on my own blog. 

I’ll watch movies by myself, watch TV shows by myself. I’ll buy gifts for myself, I’ll defend myself if I need to. I’ll eat chocolate and cry by myself, dance to the Backstreet Boys by myself. 

Wait. I do all of that already. 

Anyway, humour aside, I guess the importance of having a best friend is that it’s someone to let loose with, someone I can be myself with. I guess in this day and age, many of us are too focused on ourselves to really care about others. I try to tell people things and it turns into one-upmanship. I’m sitting there thinking I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING, but to no avail. I’m sure that I’m guilty of the same thing. 

So, yeah.

Me and myself are now BFFs. 

Alternatively, the weather needs to calm down so that I can go back to being my usual abnormal self. 😂

This is a response to ‘weather’ prompt for #SoCS June 3/17. You can see the other responses here

Awkward Situations, Life

I’m a beacon of unwanted attention (#SoCS)

So, on Friday I got a call from this guy who I’ve only ever met once. He basically popped up next to me and started talking to me randomly. I was taken aback but it was after midnight and I was tired and just ready to get to the bus stop. We were walking through this shopping mall where I’d witnessed a serious incident a few days earlier so I was happy to have someone to walk with and I was talking to him. We are from the same place so he was asking me questions and so forth. 

And then he basically asked me out and I did everything but say no. I gave him my number but he was really weird about it. He didn’t take my name. He didn’t check to see if the call had come through on his phone. Only God knows what he saved me as. Random girl? Who knows. 

Anyway, he called me the next day while I was at work and one more time after that. This was before Christmas. 

Three months later, this dude has called me again. I didn’t pick up but…Uh, what the hell? I have this mental picture of him having contacts named ?, ?? and ???. Perhaps he just called all of them because he realised that he doesn’t have names. Or maybe I made a really strong impression, LOL. Either way it was rather random. 

It reminds of this one guy who would ALWAYS come up to me and ask my for my number. I’d give it to him and he’d be like, ‘Oh, I’ve seen you already’. I couldn’t work out if he was creepy, interested or just in search of anyone with an available house for parties (he was always really interested in my living situation, where I went to school. It was weird). It got the point that I had to change my route because he’d always come up to me. And that’s not even the worst part. He would call me constantly. Five, six times per day. It was basically harassment until he gave up. One time I accidentally answered and it was so bizarre. 

Another time I got a call from this guy who asked me how I was and then started laughing. I hung up. 

At this point, there are probably too many random dudes with my number. Before I was giving them an old number but one time the guy called me there and then and I had to answer questions about where my ‘other’ phone was. It was so mortifying that I just gave my real number. And so many of them call to make sure you have given them a legit number. It’s awful. Someone needs to teach me how to navigate through this shit. My game is all off. 

I seem to have a knack for attracting creepers and pervy, old men. Do I have some kind of Creeper Attractant ability or something? Ick. 

Men, please do better. Thank you.


Written for the SOCS prompt of ‘man‘. 

Life

I’ve got 99 bobby pins and I can’t find 1

This is a response to the prompt for #SoCS Feb. 4/17 found here


I have reasonably nice hair. At the moment it’s black and brown. Brown from when I dyed it last year. I hate that it hasn’t faded yet but I am too lazy to dye it black. I don’t want to end up with that artificial black colour that comes out of a box.

If I could name a list of things that drive me crazy, hair would be number 7 on the list. Some days, it goes into my tiny bun nicely (always a bun because I hate that it’s short). Most days, it’s a battle of getting it to stick down. I always use a million hair clips and headbands to cover up what I see as deficiencies. It looks weird at the front, it’s too short at the back, it’s too short. IT’S TOO SHORT. TOO DRY. TOO GREASY. TOO FLAKY. TOO FLAT.  Continue reading “I’ve got 99 bobby pins and I can’t find 1”